being suicidal while being in a relationship

[tiredcat]

my boyfriend made the effort and is coming to see me today. he knows i havent been feeling good but i told him i've been suicidal for the past 3-4 days last night. it was rough but we got through it. still dont feel amazing though

i honestly think it's cause i havent smoked cuz like im 10x happier with weed lmao

but im just afraid of him taking the words "i wanna die" more and more casually. like it's something normal. like "here we go again" because he knows and i know i cant act on it. it's just a feeling.

but the feeling is so overwhelming. when i cry my body feels like it's in pain from how many emotions it's trying to handle. not to mention i have to keep quiet when i cry because my mom sleeps in the room right next to me.

some nights i'd want to scream, bang my head against the door, scratch at my skin until it bleeds, but i cant.

i know i probably wont ever be able to ctb while he's still in my life, but i don't know for sure ofc.. family is conditioned to be in pain when u pass but i dont think i could die knowing i decided to be in a relationship with him, let him love me, loved him, just to leave him without ever doing the things we wanted to do with each other.

that alone it makes the feeling of wanting to die even more unbearable. i know i shouldnt be living for other people but i genuinely love him. so unless he leaves, i have to try my best to stay.

will end this on a slightly more light hearted note tho, at least im getting to see him today (also getting my vape (:<)

 

[Weltall]

my boyfriend made the effort and is coming to see me today. he knows i havent been feeling good but i told him i've been suicidal for the past 3-4 days last night. it was rough but we got through it. still dont feel amazing though

i honestly think it's cause i havent smoked cuz like im 10x happier with weed lmao

but im just afraid of him taking the words "i wanna die" more and more casually. like it's something normal. like "here we go again" because he knows and i know i cant act on it. it's just a feeling.

but the feeling is so overwhelming. when i cry my body feels like it's in pain from how many emotions it's trying to handle. not to mention i have to keep quiet when i cry because my mom sleeps in the room right next to me.

some nights i'd want to scream, bang my head against the door, scratch at my skin until it bleeds, but i cant.

i know i probably wont ever be able to ctb while he's still in my life, but i don't know for sure ofc.. family is conditioned to be in pain when u pass but i dont think i could die knowing i decided to be in a relationship with him, let him love me, loved him, just to leave him without ever doing the things we wanted to do with each other.

that alone it makes the feeling of wanting to die even more unbearable. i know i shouldnt be living for other people but i genuinely love him. so unless he leaves, i have to try my best to stay.

will end this on a slightly more light hearted note tho, at least im getting to see him today (also getting my vape (:<)

I think it's normal to feel desensitized after hearing from your loved one that they're suicidal on a constant basis.
Realistically, it's their unconscious coping method for handling stress.
In time, it will get harder to see/hear genuine reactions.
Try not to think of it as them losing interest.
If they're still around you and trying to help, then just remember that they still care.
You are in pain, but the people who still love you also experience sadness knowing you're suffering as well.