Help Being pushed to suicide

[ForgottenAgain]

It's been 17 years since I became severely mentally unwell. Throughout all this time I did everything in my power to recover:
- Have been in therapy for all this time
- Took meds for a total of 6 years
- Did group therapy
- Tried to make friends for 5 years
- Got my dream job, moved out to a nice house, got pets
- Called Samaritans
- Spent 6 weeks with the Crisis Team
- Referred myself to the Community Mental Health team
- Changed psychologist
- Tried to get another psychiatrist after the 2 previous ones from NHS had scarred me
- Did exercise, improved my diet, tried to get better sleep
- Tried supplements that were linked to help with low mood
- Searched for self help groups

I am fucking miserable every day.
I got a sick day from work today because I just couldn't face it. Called a grief hotline, they were busy and told me to call Samaritans and so I did, like I've done years ago.

I talked about my miserable life and asked what else I could try, she didn't have an answer. Kept telling me how sorry she was that my life was hard and that I tried so hard but didn't see results.

My boyfriend is suicidal and hearing him say how he wishes a car would just kill him breaks me. We have both been trying so hard to recover but nothing helps.

I asked the woman from Samaritans what other support they gave and she said that it was just talking. Talking doesn't change shit about my life! I don't get it how they are a crisis hotline but have no tools to help people. I'm so lost, I'm so deeply broken...

I can't kill myself as I know that, if I do, it will be my boyfriend next. I would be basically murdering him indirectly. I also can't deal with if he kills himself, I can't deal with more death, I can't, I can't, I can't.

 

[Gangrel]

Have you tried focusing on your boyfriend and hobbies? maybe that can help you find meaning in life.

Espero que sua vida melhore

 

[derpyderpins]

It's so demoralizing that words and platitudes are really all we have. I wish there was some other tool, but, you know, wish in one hand shit in the other.

May I ask, do you have the ability to take some time off work? (More than a day?) If I had to boil down why I've been feeling better lately, it was an almost spiritual shift in perspective. I don't have instructions to give you, I just got numbed to the point where I started viewing the world outwardly rather than the focus being on myself, if that makes sense. I don't even know that I'm suggesting anything, just trying to talk for brainstorming.

 

[Manfrotto99]

May I ask why you feel so miserable? Do you know why ? Is it just an unshakable feeling for no reason. Sorry, I am just trying to understand. Interesting what the post said above, as I was thinking similar. It sounds like you have it all but there appears to be a spiritual component missing from your list that you haven't discovered or found in yourself maybe.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Have you tried focusing on your boyfriend and hobbies? maybe that can help you find meaning in life.

Espero que sua vida melhore

Yes I've tried, it's just that nothing gives me happiness or pleasure. Same for my boyfriend. Just one person is not enough to fill the void.

Obrigada

 

[ForgottenAgain]

It's so demoralizing that words and platitudes are really all we have. I wish there was some other tool, but, you know, wish in one hand shit in the other.

May I ask, do you have the ability to take some time off work? (More than a day?) If I had to boil down why I've been feeling better lately, it was an almost spiritual shift in perspective. I don't have instructions to give you, I just got numbed to the point where I started viewing the world outwardly rather than the focus being on myself, if that makes sense. I don't even know that I'm suggesting anything, just trying to talk for brainstorming.

It does make sense. Your phrase of "I started viewing the world outwardly rather the focus being on myself" makes a lot of sense. I feel like maybe I need to do something along those lines but I don't know how to achieve that. Like that feeling of being stuck before getting a revelation.

May I ask why you feel so miserable? Do you know why ? Is it just an unshakable feeling for no reason. Sorry, I am just trying to understand. Interesting what the post said above, as I was thinking similar. It sounds like you have it all but there appears to be a spiritual component missing from your list that you haven't discovered or found in yourself maybe.

I do know why. I have dealt with a lot of death and loss in my life from an early age, all the ones that I loved died suddenly and several people that I cared for I had to watch them deteriorate and die, either suddenly or after a long time of them suffering. I've always been on my own since my mother died. There's a lot of loneliness and depression in my life and then psychosis symptoms came which made it all worse. I improved my life a lot through the years due to my own hard work, achieved the things I wanted but those things don't fulfil me or bring me joy. I've seen and lived through a lot of suffering to have a positive outlook on life.

I think my life lacks purpose and I don't know how to find it.

 

[sneab]

I get that. It's that void. Ever hungry and always there. Sometimes we stuff it so full we don't notice it for a while. But it'll be there. It'll come back.

You know the 21P song that goes "the skin that wraps this frame wasn't made to play this game". I got back to those lines all the time.