Story Being permanently fucked and unable to do anything about it.

[StrawberryRed]

When I was about 12 or 13 I was really depressed (though I didnt know it at the time) . I took up puzzle solving as a hobby to cope over the summer, I kept the puzzle board on the floor in my room. One night a long argument with my brother lead to the eventual destruction of said puzzle. This was relatively normal (to the point where I would hide most of my belongings), but this time I freaked and started screaming my head off and throwing shit. My mom called us downstairs and in a fit I yelled " Im going to kill myself". My mother sent me outside for hours and called my dad to tell him what happened. Through the kitchen window I heard her say " I sent her outside so that If she does kill herself at least she wont get any blood on the carpet.". The point of the story is that now years later when I think of shooting myself ( preffered method) I always plan to lay trash bags on the floor/ walls so that I dont make a stain. Subconsciously internalizing what she had said. And I know it's related because those exact words play in my head every time. Constantly emphasizing not being a burden, making my suicide acceptable to my mother's years old standard. And theres little I can do about it. I know theres therapy and self reflection or whatever, but at the end of the its nearly impossibleto change who you are fundamentally, especially when factoring in mental illness. I didn't decide to be this way, I just have to be. Not that I'm solely blaming my mother or pardoning my own behavior. It's just an example of how, even now, I will never escape other people. The way I'm percieved, treated, the things said about or to me. It feels like a never ending battle of reflection, and trying to become better and contextualizing, and detaching and whatever new word therapists and social media come up with next. Im over it, at what stage of " healing my inner child " do I become a lost cause. Theres no amount of working on myself that I think will fix me. I think it's long been over. I dont mean to complain, I just feel so frustrated.

 

[ClippedWings]

What do you want out of life?

 

[StrawberryRed]

What do you want out of life?

Ummmm, hard question. I think it just to feel satisfied, not really happy. Just satisfied and content with my life, my friends, my future, myself etc. To not need anymore but just want. To have problems but manage and move on smoothly/ with as much ease as other people can. Why do u ask ?

 

[Alpenglow]

When I was about 12 or 13 I was really depressed (though I didnt know it at the time) . I took up puzzle solving as a hobby to cope over the summer, I kept the puzzle board on the floor in my room. One night a long argument with my brother lead to the eventual destruction of said puzzle. This was relatively normal (to the point where I would hide most of my belongings), but this time I freaked and started screaming my head off and throwing shit. My mom called us downstairs and in a fit I yelled " Im going to kill myself". My mother sent me outside for hours and called my dad to tell him what happened. Through the kitchen window I heard her say " I sent her outside so that If she does kill herself at least she wont get any blood on the carpet.". The point of the story is that now years later when I think of shooting myself ( preffered method) I always plan to lay trash bags on the floor/ walls so that I dont make a stain. Subconsciously internalizing what she had said. And I know it's related because those exact words play in my head every time. Constantly emphasizing not being a burden, making my suicide acceptable to my mother's years old standard. And theres little I can do about it. I know theres therapy and self reflection or whatever, but at the end of the its nearly impossibleto change who you are fundamentally, especially when factoring in mental illness. I didn't decide to be this way, I just have to be. Not that I'm solely blaming my mother or pardoning my own behavior. It's just an example of how, even now, I will never escape other people. The way I'm percieved, treated, the things said about or to me. It feels like a never ending battle of reflection, and trying to become better and contextualizing, and detaching and whatever new word therapists and social media come up with next. Im over it, at what stage of " healing my inner child " do I become a lost cause. Theres no amount of working on myself that I think will fix me. I think it's long been over. I dont mean to complain, I just feel so frustrated.

I'm sorry to hear that, it sounds like your mother wasn't as caring as she should have been (understatement of the century). Generally a parent shouldn't react nonchalantly to a child's suicidality. Perhaps it was disbelief and that was meant as a joke to your father. Regardless in each case she didn't know how to handle your crisis (whether on purpose or not isnt entirely relevant imo).

It is very difficult to get away from other people's expectations/judgements. And sometimes certain sentences get permanently engrained in your psyche, opening up to a friend about things I valued and my feeling and being met with "stop with your mental bullshit" is crazy lmao. We are social animals and built to be receptive to other people's judgements, it's why validation feels somewhat nice imo.

Whether you want to try or not to get better is up to you, I don't know how tired you are. But if you do ctb I'd hope your chief concern is yourself, it should be as painless as possible for you and thats the most important part.

Regardless you seem like a pretty nice person and I hope you find peace no matter what you choose to do ^^

(also the pfp is adorable <3)

 

[ClippedWings]

It sounds like you want what you were born in expectation of. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. I recognize your desires. Like you, I hold similar expectations, but am not willing to negotiate with life. What we want is worth fighting for, but I no longer believe, given my condition, that I can achieve my desires. Hope, cope, now rope.

What makes you think your expectations cannot be met?

 

[StrawberryRed]

It sounds like you want what you were born in expectation of. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. I recognize your desires. Like you, I hold similar expectations, but am not willing to negotiate with life. What we want is worth fighting for, but I no longer believe, given my condition, that I can achieve my desires. Hope, cope, now rope.

Just a lot of trial and error, millions of different hobbies, situations, people, new approaches. Meditation, hiking, isolation, constantly socializing. It all always comes back to like the same core like 3 problems. Whether I'm depressed or not, it's all the same. It feels like just who I am or have to be. I believe in reincarnation, so might as well just try again yk. Thought I will admit I have never been on medication, which is a huge blindspot. Do u have any reasons?

 

[ClippedWings]

I believe in reincarnation, so might as well just try again yk.

Oh, I know. Truth is, my spirit is too strong for my body. It is too broken to support the complete expression of my spirit. I get the sense that even if I was healed to completion, my spirit would break my body again. It's too unbridled, passionate, and strong for the human construct. It wants so much more than the human vessel can yield.

I want to find, she whom I was born in expectation of, in the midst of a moonlight rave. There I will sweat myself dry and expose my soul to her, as she will to me. And we'd fall into an unrecoverable romance. I look forward to an afterlife of fighting, raving, and fucking.

So, I've changed my attitude from apprehension to anticipation. Rather, I seek the rave songs I will listen to as I go, with I mind of excitement for what I will not negotiate, and if there is nothing for me, than nothing is perfect.

millions of different hobbies, situations, people, new approaches. Meditation, hiking, isolation, constantly socializing.

Are you saying you've done all this? If so, are you being honest with yourself about what you're missing? Maybe you've told yourself what you really want somewhere along the way? Do you want more power? Perhaps you need some time alone with no distractions, out on the top of a mountain, camping somewhere, just to let it come back to you. You may even be afraid of what you want, because what that could mean for your future.

Do u have any reasons?

Reasons for what exactly?

 

[StrawberryRed]

Reasons for what exactly?

Why you think your expectations cant be met? But you already answered that.

Oh, I know. Truth is, my spirit is too strong for my body. It is too broken to support the complete expression of my spirit. I get the sense that even if I was healed to completion, my spirit would break my body again. It's too unbridled, passionate, and strong for the human construct. It wants so much more than the human vessel can yield.

I want to find, she whom I was born in expectation of, in the midst of a moonlight rave. There I will sweat myself dry and expose my soul to her, as she will to me. And we'd fall into an unrecoverable romance.

I think of my soul separately too all the time. I think of it in the opposite way though. Being alive is too much for me, being a person too complicated, animalistic, dirty. I try my best but I am just missing parts everyone else was born with. I think what would fully heal me is too not just be alone but to be able to detach fully from physical self and become a shadow or a breeze or an ocean wave, just completely forget the thing I was. Do that for a good couple of months at least. I dont crave more but like simplification yk? Let go of everything carnal or touchable. Death is really the closest I can get it seems.

That so interesting, the way you talk about the afterlife. Does that stem from any religion or completely from you? Is this girl supposed to be like a version of yourself , or like a soulmate?

On the second part, I have gone through my phases yes. I have been looking for a solution for a long time, it's been an issue since I was 11.I do want more power, control over my life and complete freedom from other people. That's part of the reason suicide appeals to me, it feels like the perfect way to exercise complete control over myself. The best way to show the world that I'm free of it, have done exactly what I wanted. Unless you mean power in a different way. I would appreciate more time to myself, less responsiblity, and I love camping. So your probably right about that. I have plenty time to reflect though, its going to be at least a year before I kill myself.

 

[sorrynormal]

I would appreciate more time to myself, less responsiblity, and I love camping.

You should live in a van and become a youtube'er. A minivan is cheap and easy to buy.