This story is an intro , if u dont feel like it u can not read it but please give me advice on the problems below , ANYTHING is better than nothing cuz I really dont want to die.
Im 18, about. A year ago I sat next to a cute boy(At the time I was 17 and he was 16) and something in my brain changed , I was so overwhelmed by thoughts about him that I accepted my sexuality without a doubt , I tried so hard to get close to him or initiate coversations and everything, Then he ghosted me for a day and I couldn't sleep that night so I decided that I want clarity , (We live in a 3rd world country where being gay is horribly punished) , I said " what do u think about others making fun of us? At first he was okay but then he said well maybe I would spend more time with people my own grade(meaning not me) and then he brought up some BS excuse as to why our characteristics dont match (romance was never brought up and he was talking about personality traits as in friendships) , that day I cut both my arms ALOT. The next day I messaged him on insta as to how clueless I am for the things he said and do u really want us not to talk anymore?(I really couldn't accept it) , and he said something meaning that he doesnt want to explain anymore and "Its better if u dont say anything" , and I said okay , we havent talked since.I dont even know whether he is gay or not , he mainly hangs out with 3 other people and 2 of them are gay
That was for over a year ago and every 2 or 3 months my depression gets worse , I have a beautiful lovely older sister abroad who knows all these stories and i vented to her so many times , the only reason I have not done it yet is bcuz of her,
You could call me a social butterfly, at school , everybody likes me , cares for me and there is a very positive circle around me , mainly because I've helped everone with their problems , whether it be family , studies, their anxiety and even moving on from heartbreak , some of them say that If I wasnt there for them , they would have done it and are forever thankful .
:and here are the problems that I cant stand any longer
Many love me but I dont love myself , my brain is my own enemy , at first I thought it's bcuz im ugly or some problem related to my body , but people around me tell me that Im handsome so I believe them for it , everytime I see him at school these thoughts intensify , "you are not worth anything" , "you are not tall enough ,beautiful enough , or a good person , you will never find someone like him , If you do , he wont like u , cuz there is someone better than u , just like ur crush tried to approach someone better than u , EVEN IF they like u back , its bcuz u are lucky and a clown who is in a role not fit for him , you can never protect him in his life , bad people might do bad things to him cuz he is effeminate , and u arent there for him , and even if u migrate to a more accepting country guess what? U are not european so good luck"
I have no hope for the future , the gay culture really doesnt have any hope either thanks to grindr and simillar stuff. No one is looking for a deep relationship and many just start an OF once they are 18 , Im not homophobic and u can do whatever u want with ur life , im just saying that the majority of these people dont share the simillar intrests.
Im just tired of my mind , I wish he would shut up , instead of talking 24/7 and making me cry everynight , developing a new ocd everynow and then , making me anxious, depressed and unable to move on ,
Im sorry if this was a long post(and it had language mistakes) , I wish someone would relate and no matter how diffrent ur story is , I would like to hear it, I never get tired of listening to people , this was one of the first times I vented this much and I usually dont talk about my problems , this might very well be the last few days of some us here , so why not share some stuff before you go?
Im 18, about. A year ago I sat next to a cute boy(At the time I was 17 and he was 16) and something in my brain changed , I was so overwhelmed by thoughts about him that I accepted my sexuality without a doubt , I tried so hard to get close to him or initiate coversations and everything, Then he ghosted me for a day and I couldn't sleep that night so I decided that I want clarity , (We live in a 3rd world country where being gay is horribly punished) , I said " what do u think about others making fun of us? At first he was okay but then he said well maybe I would spend more time with people my own grade(meaning not me) and then he brought up some BS excuse as to why our characteristics dont match (romance was never brought up and he was talking about personality traits as in friendships) , that day I cut both my arms ALOT. The next day I messaged him on insta as to how clueless I am for the things he said and do u really want us not to talk anymore?(I really couldn't accept it) , and he said something meaning that he doesnt want to explain anymore and "Its better if u dont say anything" , and I said okay , we havent talked since.I dont even know whether he is gay or not , he mainly hangs out with 3 other people and 2 of them are gay
That was for over a year ago and every 2 or 3 months my depression gets worse , I have a beautiful lovely older sister abroad who knows all these stories and i vented to her so many times , the only reason I have not done it yet is bcuz of her,
You could call me a social butterfly, at school , everybody likes me , cares for me and there is a very positive circle around me , mainly because I've helped everone with their problems , whether it be family , studies, their anxiety and even moving on from heartbreak , some of them say that If I wasnt there for them , they would have done it and are forever thankful .
:and here are the problems that I cant stand any longer
Many love me but I dont love myself , my brain is my own enemy , at first I thought it's bcuz im ugly or some problem related to my body , but people around me tell me that Im handsome so I believe them for it , everytime I see him at school these thoughts intensify , "you are not worth anything" , "you are not tall enough ,beautiful enough , or a good person , you will never find someone like him , If you do , he wont like u , cuz there is someone better than u , just like ur crush tried to approach someone better than u , EVEN IF they like u back , its bcuz u are lucky and a clown who is in a role not fit for him , you can never protect him in his life , bad people might do bad things to him cuz he is effeminate , and u arent there for him , and even if u migrate to a more accepting country guess what? U are not european so good luck"
I have no hope for the future , the gay culture really doesnt have any hope either thanks to grindr and simillar stuff. No one is looking for a deep relationship and many just start an OF once they are 18 , Im not homophobic and u can do whatever u want with ur life , im just saying that the majority of these people dont share the simillar intrests.
Im just tired of my mind , I wish he would shut up , instead of talking 24/7 and making me cry everynight , developing a new ocd everynow and then , making me anxious, depressed and unable to move on ,
Im sorry if this was a long post(and it had language mistakes) , I wish someone would relate and no matter how diffrent ur story is , I would like to hear it, I never get tired of listening to people , this was one of the first times I vented this much and I usually dont talk about my problems , this might very well be the last few days of some us here , so why not share some stuff before you go?
