Venting being disabled is worse than death

[muu]

no one cares enough to help you, not family, not healthcare professionals. your government thinks you're better off dead, but won't provide the resources to kill you, because that's possibly considered eugenics. no one will understand you. you'll be in excruciating amounts of pain, but not enough pain to kill you, of course!

it's like i'm sisyphus pushing the boulder up the mountain.

i don't want to kill myself, but really, but there's no other option. i'm almost 19 and i already likely have an autoimmune disease, and POTS, and probably hEDS and MCAS as well. i have to use a wheelchair because walking is too tiring for me.
my heart and mind wants to live. i want to live to create things and do art but my body and God just hates me more than anything else in the world. i feel like i am cursed. why did this have to be my life? what did i do in my past life that made me deserve a fate like this?

i go to sleep tired, i wake up tired, i live in constant fear and paranoia that i might have ME/CFS. i have to constantly wish it out of my mind because the mere possibility is enough to make me panic.

i have to constantly grieve who i could've been and who i was. i'm never free from any sort of pain about my past or my present or my future. doctors appointments are bleak. they shrug their shoulders. on a daily basis i wish i had a terminal diagnosis. i can't do another 70 odd years of this fucking bullshit when every waking minute of every day is just pure torture. family tells me it might get better and there might be hope for me but i don't believe them, not when i'm in excruciating pain on a day to day basis.

i've become such a mean, nasty person over the progression of my illness. i feel awful for my family who is sometimes on the receiving end of my frustrated outbursts. i think once i am gone, it'll become easier for them.

God will have to apologize to me when i see him for cursing me. or maybe he just doesn't care.

 

[cakedog]

that sounds awful disabled people truly play on nightmare mode when it comes to ending their life (sorry if that was insensitive)
i hope you can find the peace you look out for some day
really wish those futurama-styled suicide booths existed it would make life easier for everyone

 

[muu]

that sounds awful disabled people truly play on nightmare mode when it comes to ending their life (sorry if that was insensitive)
i hope you can find the peace you look out for some day

tysm <3 its tru tho i do play on Ultra Hard Nightmare Evil mode every day unfortch

really wish those futurama-styled suicide booths existed it would make life easier for everyone

i think the closest thing we're ever gonna get are those pods that switzerland made lol

 

[breathingblues]

I

no one cares enough to help you, not family, not healthcare professionals. your government thinks you're better off dead, but won't provide the resources to kill you, because that's possibly considered eugenics. no one will understand you. you'll be in excruciating amounts of pain, but not enough pain to kill you, of course!

it's like i'm sisyphus pushing the boulder up the mountain.

i don't want to kill myself, but really, but there's no other option. i'm almost 19 and i already likely have an autoimmune disease, and POTS, and probably hEDS and MCAS as well. i have to use a wheelchair because walking is too tiring for me.
my heart and mind wants to live. i want to live to create things and do art but my body and God just hates me more than anything else in the world. i feel like i am cursed. why did this have to be my life? what did i do in my past life that made me deserve a fate like this?

i go to sleep tired, i wake up tired, i live in constant fear and paranoia that i might have ME/CFS. i have to constantly wish it out of my mind because the mere possibility is enough to make me panic.

i have to constantly grieve who i could've been and who i was. i'm never free from any sort of pain about my past or my present or my future. doctors appointments are bleak. they shrug their shoulders. on a daily basis i wish i had a terminal diagnosis. i can't do another 70 odd years of this fucking bullshit when every waking minute of every day is just pure torture. family tells me it might get better and there might be hope for me but i don't believe them, not when i'm in excruciating pain on a day to day basis.

i've become such a mean, nasty person over the progression of my illness. i feel awful for my family who is sometimes on the receiving end of my frustrated outbursts. i think once i am gone, it'll become easier for them.

God will have to apologize to me when i see him for cursing me. or maybe he just doesn't care.

I'll tell you why this happens and the answer is painful. The world runs in the most barely functioning state full of selfish and evil people who only see themselves above life, whilst being the prettiest faces possible.

"God/divinity" and with the love it brings only comes from people who love you and see things in you. Without that there is no God or anything of the sort. And the majority of the world has decided to make society somehow even worse than it was, but the point is this, you need love if you want to live, enough love brings god in your and the like, and people like you (only because they see value in you...) and even welcome you and the like. That's the reason. The world is a fucking market, where we barter parts of ourselves.

If you read my posts I've been isolated as a man with nervous psychosis all this year (from August fully), and I've seen the lowest of world where I once saw the higher tiers of respect in the world (I always loved working hard, helped everyone I could, had a huge heart for everyone, attached, overall a person loved by everyone actually - there are people who don't want me to die at all, and I know will sob their eyes out once I do, but I've always been cursed with that psychosis and really there is no point living a life so torturous, knowing that "god" or the government can simply push a button to end my life. Because in my case either I become a monster or die, and I can't become the filth i fought in my mind, and in family too.

But I'll say this too, and I've tried it but my therapists keep leaving me: if you can find ANY way to have your family love you - I have often fictionalized my demons (and you can and should lie for that too, normal people do it all the time) to some gain, then please do. I'm not going to say push yourself too hard, but I believe that something is better than nothing.

 

[calebzz1]

no one cares enough to help you, not family, not healthcare professionals. your government thinks you're better off dead, but won't provide the resources to kill you, because that's possibly considered eugenics. no one will understand you. you'll be in excruciating amounts of pain, but not enough pain to kill you, of course!

it's like i'm sisyphus pushing the boulder up the mountain.

i don't want to kill myself, but really, but there's no other option. i'm almost 19 and i already likely have an autoimmune disease, and POTS, and probably hEDS and MCAS as well. i have to use a wheelchair because walking is too tiring for me.
my heart and mind wants to live. i want to live to create things and do art but my body and God just hates me more than anything else in the world. i feel like i am cursed. why did this have to be my life? what did i do in my past life that made me deserve a fate like this?

i go to sleep tired, i wake up tired, i live in constant fear and paranoia that i might have ME/CFS. i have to constantly wish it out of my mind because the mere possibility is enough to make me panic.

i have to constantly grieve who i could've been and who i was. i'm never free from any sort of pain about my past or my present or my future. doctors appointments are bleak. they shrug their shoulders. on a daily basis i wish i had a terminal diagnosis. i can't do another 70 odd years of this fucking bullshit when every waking minute of every day is just pure torture. family tells me it might get better and there might be hope for me but i don't believe them, not when i'm in excruciating pain on a day to day basis.

i've become such a mean, nasty person over the progression of my illness. i feel awful for my family who is sometimes on the receiving end of my frustrated outbursts. i think once i am gone, it'll become easier for them.

God will have to apologize to me when i see him for cursing me. or maybe he just doesn't care.

Hello, did you change your username?

I thought it was "yawdadreg" or something like that, just wanted to make sure I was replying to the right person.

I remember you being really empathetic towards my situation and I liked chatting with you!

Anyways, this post is really relatable.

The first sentence is raw, real and exactly how I feel.

Hey, that rhymes!

I don't have pain which is a blessing but moment-to-moment blur mixed with horizontal diplopia that comes and goes.

I forgot how visually impaired I am off of my Atropine 1% sulfate drops and decided to buy a white cane which has helped out greatly while in public.

I also feel like Sisyphus as well, barely functional trying to wait for disability benefits and hopefully treatment that will help.

My condition is curable but I get the vibe that no one knows what they are doing, exactly how you feel going into yet another doctor's appointment.

I definitely agree about the grief part.

I remember looking at my controller wistfully remembering how easy my life used to be a while back.

I could play any videogame I wanted with no issues.

I miss being able to enjoy my old hobbies without struggling moment to moment and being able to relax like normal people.

I'm not envious at all but a recent example was my cousin posting on her Facebook story about it being a "tragedy" that she didn't get the right concert tickets.

I wish my life was that simple where I could enjoy a concert let alone see what's going on.

My attitude has changed greatly and not for the better, I'm very cold and practical as an adult due to how limited visually everything feels.

I also feel cursed and I question why I have to go through this impairment daily with no end in sight.

I want a cure or some type of improvement at this point given the severity of what I actually go through.

I remember saying, "Devil, make me blind!" in the living room months ago but I didn't really mean it but said this out of frustration.

My mom is a very nonchalant person and doesn't react much which is the main reason why I chat on SaSu although I have dialed it down a bit.

I hope your situation gets better.

 

[muu]

Hello, did you change your username?

I thought it was "yawdadreg" or something like that, just wanted to make sure I was replying to the right person.

I remember you being really empathetic towards my situation and I liked chatting with you!

hi caleb! yah i did, that was me :-) glad you remember me! you're one of the coolest people on here! ^_^

My condition is curable but I get the vibe that no one knows what they are doing, exactly how you feel going into yet another doctor's appointment.

I definitely agree about the grief part.

I remember looking at my controller wistfully remembering how easy my life used to be a while back.

I could play any videogame I wanted with no issues.

I miss being able to enjoy my old hobbies without struggling moment to moment and being able to relax like normal people.

grief is one of the hardest parts about disability in my opinion because you have to understand and accept that it'll never ever be how it was in the past. hell, even tomorrow won't be the same as yesterday. it's awful and i hate it. i wish i could just go back ten years and live that year of my life over and over again.

since yours is curable, i'm hopeful that you'll be able to recover to a pretty good extent. if doctors say it's curable, that's a blessing. exhaust all your options if you must, be adamant and stand up for yourself in appointments... get them to listen!!!

I forgot how visually impaired I am off of my Atropine 1% sulfate drops and decided to buy a white cane which has helped out greatly while in public.

i think a while back i mentioned how helpful mobility aids and i'm glad you got one and that it's helping. as long as the drops help, you should stay on them as long as you can. if it helps, cling onto it for dear life!

since i was last on SaSu my vision has slowly gotten worse and worse, i think it's because the autoimmune disease im suspected of having attacks my tear ducts or something like that... but it made me think of you and your situation. the blurriness, even to the minor degree i have it at, is so, so uncomfortable and frustrating. i can only imagine how bad it is paired with double vision.

I hope your situation gets better.

i don't have the full energy to reply to everything u said but just know it's all appreciated. talking to you is always fun. no matter how hard things get, please don't let the harsh nature disability take away the person you are. through the discomfort all you really have is who you are inside.

much love caleb, i wholeheartedly hope your situation improves as well. <3