yawdrareg
Let's meet up inside the pain, a place just for me
- Jul 27, 2025
- 40
no one cares enough to help you, not family, not healthcare professionals. your government thinks you're better off dead, but won't provide the resources to kill you, because that's possibly considered eugenics. no one will understand you. you'll be in excruciating amounts of pain, but not enough pain to kill you, of course!
it's like i'm sisyphus pushing the boulder up the mountain.
i don't want to kill myself, but really, but there's no other option. i'm almost 19 and i already likely have an autoimmune disease, and POTS, and probably hEDS and MCAS as well. i have to use a wheelchair because walking is too tiring for me.
my heart and mind wants to live. i want to live to create things and do art but my body and God just hates me more than anything else in the world. i feel like i am cursed. why did this have to be my life? what did i do in my past life that made me deserve a fate like this?
i go to sleep tired, i wake up tired, i live in constant fear and paranoia that i might have ME/CFS. i have to constantly wish it out of my mind because the mere possibility is enough to make me panic.
i have to constantly grieve who i could've been and who i was. i'm never free from any sort of pain about my past or my present or my future. doctors appointments are bleak. they shrug their shoulders. on a daily basis i wish i had a terminal diagnosis. i can't do another 70 odd years of this fucking bullshit when every waking minute of every day is just pure torture. family tells me it might get better and there might be hope for me but i don't believe them, not when i'm in excruciating pain on a day to day basis.
i've become such a mean, nasty person over the progression of my illness. i feel awful for my family who is sometimes on the receiving end of my frustrated outbursts. i think once i am gone, it'll become easier for them.
God will have to apologize to me when i see him for cursing me. or maybe he just doesn't care.
it's like i'm sisyphus pushing the boulder up the mountain.
i don't want to kill myself, but really, but there's no other option. i'm almost 19 and i already likely have an autoimmune disease, and POTS, and probably hEDS and MCAS as well. i have to use a wheelchair because walking is too tiring for me.
my heart and mind wants to live. i want to live to create things and do art but my body and God just hates me more than anything else in the world. i feel like i am cursed. why did this have to be my life? what did i do in my past life that made me deserve a fate like this?
i go to sleep tired, i wake up tired, i live in constant fear and paranoia that i might have ME/CFS. i have to constantly wish it out of my mind because the mere possibility is enough to make me panic.
i have to constantly grieve who i could've been and who i was. i'm never free from any sort of pain about my past or my present or my future. doctors appointments are bleak. they shrug their shoulders. on a daily basis i wish i had a terminal diagnosis. i can't do another 70 odd years of this fucking bullshit when every waking minute of every day is just pure torture. family tells me it might get better and there might be hope for me but i don't believe them, not when i'm in excruciating pain on a day to day basis.
i've become such a mean, nasty person over the progression of my illness. i feel awful for my family who is sometimes on the receiving end of my frustrated outbursts. i think once i am gone, it'll become easier for them.
God will have to apologize to me when i see him for cursing me. or maybe he just doesn't care.
