Venting Being depressed in Germany lmao

[kyukyu]

I have been on and off fighting with the urge to end it all, I had 1 failed attempt in 2023 and 2 times I almost did it. My family is extremely religious (like insane) and I am not, i have been previously diagnosed with adhd and cptsd due to religious and childhood trauma. I used to ask my mother why she let my father treat me this way and physically hurt me as a child but god knows why she would never leave him or stand up for me.

So due to that, I have been trying to move out, but rent prices man... Its genuinely insane in germany. And no, I cant qualify for a loan because my family "makes too much money". I dont even get a single cent ????? The amount of paperwork i had to send in to prove that I am (besides a room) not being supported was unreal, but they need to know how much my parents make and they wont give me that information. Whatever I have a fucking stupid job that pays pennies, i would barely be able to afford student housing, but i have been on that list for far too long and nothing is happening. But hey 600€ for a room in an apartment with 3 other people is totally fine option.

This sucks so fucking much, I truly dont want to leave my boyfriend behind, he is so lovely and funny but no matter how much I try to see a future where I am actually happy, i cant envison it. He deserves someone who can be a proper partner and not this shit ass thing sneaking around that I am forced to do. And I have thought about moving in with him, if i decide to end it all he will he fucked with rent and I dont want to do that to him, and if i dont die, my family would find out and cut me off, meaning i wont even get to see my sisters.

Even therapy, since august i have been on a list and whenever i ask its always the "we have no space you need to wait". Fuck Public Healthcare when it comes to therapy. It does suck, I really am trying to improve my life and nothing is working. At least i passed my exams this semester and now I can look forward to 2 months of full time underpaid work. Last time i posted was 2023, only thing that changed is that I did finally break up with my ex, so at least one part of my life has gotten better lmao. ugh i want to get drunk so badly but if i show up hungover at work my life will fully go down the drain man i feel like i am genuinely going insane this cant be real why cant things just be somewhat easy for once.

 

[Fadenself00]

hi! i have quite a bit of knowledge in regards to paperwork related stuff in Germany, so I've sent you a DM with what I see possible to try in your current situation. (there are also quite recent laws allowing for financial compensation for resulting mental damage/distress from SA/and similar forms of abuse in childhood) I'll be sending you the links you might find helpful.. Please get in touch with the local social workers of your city and explain your situation in detail.. also do your own research, unfortunately many social worker-related professions suffer from not being quite up-to-date with all that would be possible in a given situation. additionally you would have the ability to apply for getting a legal guardian who could help with legal stuff like this. (warning- be very careful with this, because they also have more leverage for involuntary hospitalization and generally tend to be less competent with anything mental health/ethic-related)


as my thoughts regarding your parents, I can just advise, based on my personal experience, to GTFO of that situation with your parents.. what you described sounds severely dysfunctional and the reality is that these people most likely wont care/be sensitive enough, to see/care for your mental health/if it gets worse... the only person you can 100% trust is yourself. Trust your gut and try to surround yourself with people on your wavelength. always remember that everyone has the same access to information regarding existential questions, that you yourself have access to. dont be gaslit and trust yourself.. i had to learn all of this the hard way and unfortunately too late to prevent the devastating, life-ended state i find myself in now.

[See this advice as more of my personal opinion, because all the choices you make are your own, and ethically/website-tos-speaking i cant tell you what to do, obviously]


ALSO: i cannot stress enough to watch out for the death spiral that Psychiatry/psychiatric medications can be.. PLEASE BE EXTREMELY CAREFUL!!

 

[metfan647]

hi! i have quite a bit of knowledge in regards to paperwork related stuff in Germany, so I've sent you a DM with what I see possible to try in your current situation. (there are also quite recent laws allowing for financial compensation for resulting mental damage/distress from SA in childhood) I'll be sending you the links you might find helpful.. Please get in touch with the local social workers of your city and explain your situation in detail.. also do your own research, unfortunately many social worker-related professions suffer from not being quite up-to-date with all that would be possible in a given situation. additionally you would have the ability to apply for getting a legal guardian who could help with legal stuff like this. (warning- be very careful with this, because they also have more leverage for involuntary hospitalization and generally tend to be less competent with anything mental health/ethic-related)


as my thoughts regarding your parents, I can just advise, based on my personal experience, to GTFO of that situation with your parents.. what you described sounds severely dysfunctional and the reality is that these people most likely wont care/be sensitive enough, to see/care for your mental health/if it gets worse... the only person you can 100% trust is yourself. Trust your gut and try to surround yourself with people on your wavelength. always remember that everyone has the same access to information regarding existential questions, that you yourself have access to. dont be gaslit and trust yourself.. i had to learn all of this the hard way and unfortunately too late to prevent the devastating, life-ended state i find myself in now.

[See this advice as more of my personal opinion, because all the choices you make are your own, and ethically/website-tos-speaking i cant tell you what to do, obviously]


ALSO: i cannot stress enough to watch out for the death spiral that Psychiatry/psychiatric medications can be.. PLEASE BE EXTREMELY CAREFUL!!

Not to derail the thread, but would you advocate at all for someone to try anti-depressants as a first time user? Late thirties and never really given them a shot until now. 20mg Prozac. Not doing much for me atm so suspect doctor to increase at next review.

 

[Fadenself00]

Edit - reply directed to @metfan647
with the risks that exist, this is a for sure and very strong no! mostly also because severe side effects can be slow-onset and resemble mental illness symptoms. the death spiral this can lead to is horrendous and absolutely perfect. i would try absolutely everything else first..

from my experience, the med's effects will also increase linearly with dose, and have time-related components as well (sometimes months until a "steady-state" is reached, and similar behaviour with withdrawl - which should be a slow taper ofc.). youre probably less at direct risk, if something like an ssri is the only thing youre taking. anything dampening/inhibitory, like antipsychtics (risperidal for example), seems to have the possibility of causing long term functional reduction, also increasing risk of side effect strongness for other meds.
the biggest risk is the misinterpretation of side effects tho. with ssris this seems to be commonly bipolar/psychosis-like symptoms. most of them would have a good chance of fading after reducing dose/stopping the med outright, but are most of the time seen as "original illness getting worse", which leads to layering and layering of antipsychotics/mood stabilizers, etc. until your brain is thoroughly drugged to crap (most likely against your will and with the bastard smile those shrinks have while doing it. you will experience them having a nazi-like power differential over you. its breathtakenly gruesome...)

i would assume that statistically speaking, if you are voluntarily asking to try a med, and you dont already outright have a gut feeling telling you its not gonna help you, there might be a lower chance of disastrous side effects/death spiral, but there are certainly still reports of this happening regardless... be very careful and dont let anyone gaslight is my main advice

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

I was a student once too, had very little money, and lived in a tiny apartment with a wood-burning stove and an outhouse. But that didn't bother me because I knew things would get better eventually.

When you finish your studies, you'll eventually own your own house and be among the wealthiest people.