Been going off

[escapefromabuse]

The last few days I've been going off on the woman who left via text. Mostly I'm just reciting the facts to demonstrate the manipulative behaviors from her, and pointing out the shitty things she said and did to myself and my (other) kids. I have slipped and called her a name once or twice.

This part of me almost enjoys this. I used let her walk all over me and tell me how horrible I am. This other part of me feels a little bad because I'm not normally the type to do this. I've been pushed and poked in the chest until I've snapped.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Sounds like you're getting some of your power back. :)

That letter I wrote to my parents? When I explained that sometimes I stung back because my mom had overridden my boundaries and autonomy? She knew when I did that she had pushed too far, even sometimes conceded that she had in a roundabout way. It usually put her in check for a good while, at least for that particular boundary. Hope your actions garner some positive results for you, not just internally, but externally from the ex. A true and total narc will use it for tactical purposes, a human will have a better response. Hope you get the better response.

 

[escapefromabuse]

I hope I'm getting some power back. I've made a lot of connections about how toxic this relationship really was. I don't expect good results though. She's only responded twice when I scored a hit below the belt. I'm sure she'll go on to tell people how abusive I am. Ironically it's me that talks to a DV counselor about how she's treated me.

 

[escapefromabuse]

Update: got a text from her sister yesterday. We had a short chat. She says to stop "burning bridges" and something about time to heal feelings. That's almost as confusing as being ghosted after being told that we share the same feelings.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Update: got a text from her sister yesterday. We had a short chat. She says to stop "burning bridges" and something about time to heal feelings. That's almost as confusing as being ghosted after being told that we share the same feelings.

I'd say she's a flying monkey for your narc ex. She's either manipulated as well, or a conscious part of her army. The messages are part of your ex's narc strategy to confuse you and to hoover. You revealed that your ex has less of a hold on you and is playing her game to keep you attached to serve her whims.

This is just textbook stuff. She's revealing herself, that's to your advantage.

 

[escapefromabuse]

I'd say she's a flying monkey for your narc ex. She's either manipulated as well, or a conscious part of her army. The messages are part of your ex's narc strategy to confuse you and to hoover. You revealed that your ex has less of a hold on you and is playing her game to keep you attached to serve her whims.

This is just textbook stuff. She's revealing herself, that's to your advantage.

Good point. I'd forgotten about flying monkeys. I'd guess she's told her family/friends something different than she's told me. They think I knew this was coming and I doubt she tells them what she's told me. I used the opportunity to tell her sister how I've been treated (in general) and to say I have every right to be mad at what happened. At the least her sister knows a piece of my story.

I don't trust her at all anymore. She's definitely shown she's willing and able to manipulate me to get what she wants.

 

[escapefromabuse]

Another update: I was very close to ctb last night, but what her sister said was gnawing at me. I decided to reach out to her sister instead to see what she would say. I got a very long email in return that confirms what I've been thinking. It's complicated (isn't it always), but this is a mess that neither one of us wanted. Wow. Just...yeah wow.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Neither one of who? You and her sister? Or you and your ex?

 

[escapefromabuse]

My ex. It boils down to difficulties blending families. She'd said as much last year but she stopped talking and basically vanished and the lawsuits started flying.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Well, from an outside perspective, it sounds like the narc has manipulated everyone's perspective, hoovered, and drawn you back to the slot machine of hope. It's not a problem of blending families, it's a problem of her being a narc. Any normal, surmountable problem that aggravates her narcissistic injuries justifies, to herself, the acting out of her rages with revenge and punishment. The punishment triggers your despair and hopelessness to the point of considering ending your life. The hoovering gives you hope that she will come to see reason with time and breathing room, or to leave room for doubt that the situation was the trigger for her actions. Her narcissistic injury is the trigger for all of her actions.

I'm not trying to push you to ctb, just to illustrate this is an ugly cycle of manipulation that only serves her and always screws you. In her world, you exist to serve her ability to control. But she reveals herself and that gives you power. I still resonate with what that one member posted, that there are no more fucks given in his house. That means his ex narc no longer controls him, he lives in and defines his own world, and the narc is less than a mosquito to him, more like a very distant gnat. To me, that's real hope.

 

[escapefromabuse]

I'm definitely cautious. She's had plenty of opportunity to talk with me and put an end to hostilities. Where I'm torn is she's an incredibly stubborn woman (and I'm also stubborn). But her sister independently confirmed my suspicions. Literally everything I've been thinking. So I'll pursue this a little, but I've got my guard up for sure. In the meantime I'm still dis-engaging from all the court battles and we'll see what happens. This is worth sticking around for now.

 

[escapefromabuse]

Another update: woke up to a text message from her. It's nothing exciting. She just says she's going to send our kids to a different daycare and she's going to move. I responded asking about the move and kids...and silence from her

 

[escapefromabuse]

Latest: she acknowledged that she said she "didn't envision" this for her or the kids. Ok, me neither. She's also agreed we've always gotten along. Ok, me too. So what's the problem?

@GoodPersonEffed, it's because she's a narc. She
sees the relationship as a failure and nothing will change her mind. Oh and btw, it's my fault. She's seen to make that point to the world

 

[escapefromabuse]

[UPDATE] The day after my conversation with her sister, I get a text she's moving to a different house and is changing the kids' daycare. I asked for the new address and contact info for the new daycare. She responds by trying to deflect. I ignored the deflection amd I persisted. She then got rude. I still persisted and now have the info I asked for. What a bitch.