Venting Because of CSAM, I cant take any pills. Because I can't take any pills, I can't get better

[huntrix#1fan]

Due to childhood sex abuse I have a severe aversion to ANYTHING entering my body. A tampon? Panic attack and I vomit. Getting my blood drawn? I instantly vomit. Gynecologist? I pass out. Pills? I can't do them. I feel them going down my throat and into my body. I freak. Instantly, my body wants to expel it. I panic. I need it out of me.

But I have ADHD and bipolar disorder. So I take three pills a day. Except I don't. I don't take my lithium and I just keep getting worse. I am getting worse and worse. I don't care. I tell myself I will just die soon and it will all be alright.

 

[unluckysadness]

My God it sounds awful I hope these persons are in jail. Nobody should harm children.
I wish you peace wathever you decide

 

[huntrix#1fan]

My God it sounds awful I hope these persons are in jail. Nobody should harm children.
I wish you peace wathever you decide

Thank you. They have died now, so I jus try not to think of them

 

[KissMeMidas]

I'm so sorry that happened. What an injustice. Long-distance spitting on their grave rn.

How about drinkable stuff? Are there any you can mix with water or tea? (just throwing things out there)

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Fellow CSAM/CSA survivor here. I assume you haven't discussed this with the people prescribing your medications?

I'm not knowledgeable on the options for all meds, but some offer a liquid version. Others have crush-able pills—if the pills aren't time/delayed-release. If they are, perhaps a different dosage could allow for non-time-release pills that still work for you.

An injection form of any meds wouldn't be viable even if it would be much less intensive than IV blood drawing? I guess because it would be so stressful, the aftercare after each appointment would be too much.

 

[yesi]

You may find it easier if you put the pills in food? I used to use fruit puree and swallow it without chewing.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Can you crush them and mix them in water or juice or something and then just drink them that way?

They definitely need to ask their prescriber first. This can actually be dangerous for some pills.

 

[huntrix#1fan]

I'm so sorry that happened. What an injustice. Long-distance spitting on their grave rn.

How about drinkable stuff? Are there any you can mix with water or tea? (just throwing things out there)

Thank you. Yes thankfully, I can mix my ADHD meds with food. Lithium unfortunately can only be taken in pill form

Fellow CSAM/CSA survivor here. I assume you haven't discussed this with the people prescribing your medications?

I'm not knowledgeable on the options for all meds, but some offer a liquid version. Others have crush-able pills—if the pills aren't time/delayed-release. If they are, perhaps a different dosage could allow for non-time-release pills that still work for you.

An injection form of any meds wouldn't be viable even if it would be much less intensive than IV blood drawing? I guess because it would be so stressful, the aftercare after each appointment would be too much.

I'm sorry to hear that <3. I've told them I have difficulty, but I didn't mention why. For one pill, I can open and sprinkle it on food. For the other two, they did give me an easier to swallow version. It just still triggers me.

 

[fadedghost]

Due to childhood sex abuse I have a severe aversion to ANYTHING entering my body. A tampon? Panic attack and I vomit. Getting my blood drawn? I instantly vomit. Gynecologist? I pass out. Pills? I can't do them. I feel them going down my throat and into my body. I freak. Instantly, my body wants to expel it. I panic. I need it out of me.

But I have ADHD and bipolar disorder. So I take three pills a day. Except I don't. I don't take my lithium and I just keep getting worse. I am getting worse and worse. I don't care. I tell myself I will just die soon and it will all be alright.

have you considered a long acting injectible so you don't have to take anything daily in quite the same way?

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

I'm sorry to hear that <3. I've told them I have difficulty, but I didn't mention why. For one pill, I can open and sprinkle it on food. For the other two, they did give me an easier to swallow version. It just still triggers me.

I understand the shame, but just keep in mind the fact that you might have a better chance if you tell them just HOW bad your triggers are. I've found that professionals tend to naturally provide me the bare minimum supports unless I "pull out the big guns" so to speak (give them a genuine explanation of why the trigger is so bad, no sugar coating).

It's very common for people to have biological or medical issues swallowing/keeping things down. You need to make sure that they know this is a bodily response that won't abate via the bare minimum, not just your average biological disability.

Until then, though, I recommend trying to keep a "list" of the times you were successful in keeping the pills down. Could be a diary, could be profile posts on here, a dedicated personal thread, notes app, anything. Even if you don't end up suceeding in swallowing the pills, often times having the list can give you a little push.

You're trying your best and that's all you can hope for. Perfection isn't the goal, survival is. I know I'm just a random SaSu stranger, but I'm personally proud of you.