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Sunlight99

Member
Sep 20, 2018
52
more incredible than an attractive person CTB is someone who did not suffer trauma as a child suffering from suicidal depression. From my research, it's incredibly rare for someone with a trauma-free childhood, with stable, loving parents coming from a stable home to want to CTB. That's not to say if you grew up with trauma you necessarily want to CTB. Plenty of very successful people (e.g. Oprah Winfrey, Leon Black, etc.) grew up with terrible traumas as children but appear to have no desire to CTB and were able to channel that pain into productivity. I would venture to guess all of the SS members who say the world sucks, life sucks, they hate everyone, and so on had shitty childhoods and they can't disconnect their pain as adults from that trauma. Then when a loss happens like losing a spouse, gf, bf, etc. then the loss hits them 10x harder than for those who didn't have such trauma. Usually this is because they lost a parent as a child — either to death or abandonment. So it's basically incredible to me to learn of people who experienced horrible childhoods being stable adults. Inverse is also true — those with super stable childhoods wanting to CTB makes no sense to me and I would assume that in those cases for whatever reason the child was prescribed meds that messed his/her head up somehow.

Yes, there was much violence in my home as a kid. When a girl whom I had loved and been with for 3 years rejected me, it hurt so bad because I felt like I was incapable of being loved. I've struggled to find a relationship since. I don't know understand what's wrong with me other than being messed up from childhood. I want to be good, and I try to everyday. I like the idea of being good and winning against my childhood, by my depression is so bad and it's held me back.
I'm a female.
You say you have trouble forming meaningful relationships. Can you discuss this more? Are you married, single, frequently asked out?
 
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couragetodie

Student
Jan 2, 2019
154
@accidentaldeath that fascinates me as I just don't get it. Loving parents, stable household and still depressed. I don't me to pry but I am wondering what could have caused this. No medications? No medical history? No deaths or losses?
 
ScorpiusDragon

ScorpiusDragon

Mage
Mar 25, 2019
593
Yes, there was much violence in my home as a kid. When a girl whom I had loved and been with for 3 years rejected me, it hurt so bad because I felt like I was incapable of being loved. I've struggled to find a relationship since. I don't know understand what's wrong with me other than being messed up from childhood. I want to be good, and I try to everyday. I like the idea of being good and winning against my childhood, by my depression is so bad and it's held me back.

You say you have trouble forming meaningful relationships. Can you discuss this more? Are you married, single, frequently asked out?
I have a boyfriend. I met him online, and I've been with him for 2 years.
I don't have problems getting dates. All I have to do is create an online dating profile. With my photos, I know I will get messages.
I've also been asked out on dates by random strangers at coffee shops a number of times but I declined because I was in a relationship.
My problem is my extreme social anxiety. Because of the childhood abuse I experienced, I grew into an extremely timid and socially anxious adult. I have trouble talking to people IRL, and I don't have any close IRL friends (except for my boyfriend). My workplace supervisors have called me aside to ask me why I'm so anxious talking to people, and in the past, coworkers have excluded me from group get-togethers because of my social awkwardness.
Even in the realm of romantic relationships, all my relationships started on online dating sites. I have zero problems attracting people with my photos, but I am socially anxious as fuck IRL.
 
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accidentaldeath

accidentaldeath

Student
May 29, 2018
107
@accidentaldeath that fascinates me as I just don't get it. Loving parents, stable household and still depressed. I don't me to pry but I am wondering what could have caused this. No medications? No medical history? No deaths or losses?
A chronical disease of a loved one triggered everything, successfull job, sucessfull life, lots of friends, etc. The depression started at that point, got really sick for a week, then started taking medication I was like a fucking zombie all day, but at least my head was like in other place. Then stopped with medication and depression came back but stronger, started to fuck my life so bad I'm trying to "remake" it but is pretty difficult, still with depression and I have like stages (I get really bad, then it gets a little better but not like beign happy just not so depressed, then going back to really bad, it's cyclical)

Edit: Also I have to tell having a supportive family is not as good as it seems, at least in my case. I get really sick especially in one of those stages, and I must pretend like everything is ok and I'm happy, and is really hard to fake beign happy when deep inside you wanna die. I cannot tell about my depression or my will to die to mi family because everything would get worse, they would get really worried and I'm sure they would have depression too. Also I can't CTB like everyone, I bought SN although I know I won't ever be able to use it. If I die it must be an accident, It would be really difficult for my family but eventually they would overcome it, but if I just CTB i would completly destroy them.
 
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bluesleep

Member
Apr 1, 2019
43
You can be beautiful and still suffer, that has nothing to do with it. Suicide doesn't discriminate.
 
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couragetodie

Student
Jan 2, 2019
154
@accidentaldeath that sounds hard — you love your family and don't want to scare them but you need their support. If you are on good terms with your family, doesn't it make you feel better when you talk with them about your problems?
also a ton of "beautiful people" on the outside are attractive because they spend a lot of time trying to attract others. They do this because they are insecure. Often that insecurity comes from problems in childhood. Like a lot of models, actresses, actors, etc. they are attractive because they put in the time and they put in the time because they are insecure as hell. Plenty of attractive people are suicidal — this whole thing of suidicidality is bizarre. There are wheelchair bound homeless people who want to live. There are multi-millionaire model types who off themselves.
 
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hegesias

Member
Apr 4, 2019
44
Have you tried "looks maxing?" It's where you change what you can, like losing weight if you are overweight, gaining muscle, getting a better haircut, dressing better. It doesn't solve all your problems, but it can give you more confidence. Lifting weights especially for men helps.
I haven't. I'm pessimist and lazy. Maybe I'll try.
 
silentsinger

silentsinger

Experienced
Mar 1, 2019
261
Sometimes i'm not exactly 100 percent on what constitutes as suicide. When I very first joined here, I mentioned in my first post about someone who was close to me passing away after battling anorexia.

She was my girlfiend in my late teens/early twenties and we remained really close after we split. I had an eating disorder when we were together and the way that she died prays on my mind every day because her organs failed eventually due to lack of nourishment. She was really healthy when we were together. I always blame myself and it is the reason that I spend every day blaming myself because I feel like I am very toxic and I can't ever make up for being so awful. She was so beautiful and although it might not have been suicide in an instant sense, she really didn't realise just how beautiful she was.
 
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Pulpit2018

Pulpit2018

Experienced
Oct 8, 2018
287
From my research, it's incredibly rare for someone with a trauma-free childhood, with stable, loving parents coming from a stable home to want to CTB.

I think you are giving too much attention to childhood.What happens in adult life matters too!
Its not like when you are adult suddenly your invincible, is it?
Plenty of people who were really happy with themselves,had a good history and looked forward,had something significant happen to them,that made them change their minds and consider suicide.

Also this whole beautiful/successful thing is silly too.Not everyone cares about status or what society thinks.People have their own metrics of judging themselves.And i dare say that is a good thing.
I like a society that opportunity for suicide is always open,and noone is safe enough to say "it will never happen to me".
 
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HelpPlease

Psych ward
Sep 9, 2018
188
You reach a point where looks matter none. Life on this planet is horrific
 
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Bloodtearsdust

Member
Mar 16, 2019
37
being "noticed" is definitely not easy, especially as a woman. I suppose I've been genetically lucky when it comes to my appearance.. but I seem to win an award when it comes to attracting A-holes. I had a boss when I was 15 who used to take me for dinner (as a thank-you for being a hard working employee). His award dinners turned out to be exactly what you think. He tried to force me into making out with him against my car. Luckily I was able to get away. A year later I somehow ended up being the center of some messed up competition between some boys... to see who could become my friend and get laid... (a notch if you will). I wasn't prudish but I wasn't promiscuous either. I was sick of being lied to. Sick of being treated like a piece of meat. Sick of men in general. I took a large amount of gravol hoping to end it.
This was spontaneous and not planned so it didn't work.. I basically became jaded and apathetic.
 
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Suicidal4Ever

Suicidal4Ever

Specialist
Sep 22, 2018
330
Yeah it allways blows my mind to see a really attractive person kill themselves. Then it makes me feel worst because of how ugly i am.
 
Daniel123

Daniel123

Member
Apr 3, 2019
27
Well I am pretty but still want to kill myself. It's not all about the looks it is how you feel inside your head. I have been through too much trauma which ruined the way I look at the world and everything seems pointless to me plus I have bpd. So I will ctb in 2020 I think, that is my plan.
 
LastFlowers

LastFlowers

the haru that can read
Apr 27, 2019
2,170
This should be enlightening for all the people who want to commit suicide because they think they're ugly. If it's not your looks, then what is it? Why do people commit suicide? That's rhetorical because I ask myself similar questions.
It's really not enlightening to me.
I know there's plenty of other reasons to commit suicide, no matter what you look like. Just because beautiful people commit suicide, doesn't mean being ugly or simply "NOT beautiful" isn't a valid reason.
I just know for myself, if my looks were what I wanted them to be, if things hadn't happened to make me look even worse permanently, my situation would no longer be life or death and so miserable that I felt I only had one last option that was slightly more appealing than existing, always feeling trapped by my own face and body.
Everyone has their own limits to what they can handle.
 
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Apostle

Apostle

Student
Apr 17, 2019
129
I'm overweight and unkempt, so I'm not so good-looking, but fortunately it has never really been the direct cause of any suffering, and surprisingly a lot of girls have found me to be cute for some reason. Either way, my looks don't really seem to affect my life very much, though if I was looking for employment instead of suicide advice, they certainly would and I'd be changing things about myself.
 
JadedGray

JadedGray

Life Eternal
Jul 24, 2018
991
Looks don't matter as much as people think. I know of ugly people that have respect because their personality is just so outgoing. But to be honest it does take more effort for ugly people but not impossible.

Top 10 fashion models who committed suicide
One of the models on there (Tom Nicon) died jumping from the 4th floor. I have access to a 4th floor apartment, but I would never take the chance...

I don't believe that just because someone is attractive they won't be suicidal because of other factors, but it certainly is one less thing to worry about and it definitely plays a big role in how others will treat you. Even if I was attractive, I'm sure I would still be suicidal because of other factors in my life that looks wouldn't change, but I feel I would have had more opportunities in life and would have been treated better by others, which would have made a difference when it came to things like loneliness. I don't necessarily think that if I was good-looking I would have good self-esteem, since it's all about your perception and whether you think you're attractive and not just what others think. Growing up in an abusive household would make it difficult to have good self-esteem no matter how good-looking you are, at least it would have for me.
 
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ManWithNoName

ManWithNoName

Enlightened
Feb 2, 2019
1,224
One of the models on there (Tom Nicon) died jumping from the 4th floor. I have access to a 4th floor apartment, but I would never take the chance...

I don't believe that just because someone is attractive they won't be suicidal because of other factors, but it certainly is one less thing to worry about and it definitely plays a big role in how others will treat you. Even if I was attractive, I'm sure I would still be suicidal because of other factors in my life that looks wouldn't change, but I feel I would have had more opportunities in life and would have been treated better by others, which would have made a difference when it came to things like loneliness. I don't necessarily think that if I was good-looking I would have good self-esteem, since it's all about your perception and whether you think you're attractive and not just what others think. Growing up in an abusive household would make it difficult to have good self-esteem no matter how good-looking you are, at least it would have for me.
Indeed.

There are plenty of cases of models, probably more so female models who off themselves. It's a very superficial World we live in, and any young hot chick with any ounce of common sense knows that the day her looks fade is the day people stop giving a fuck about her.

I would say with regards to men is more connected to his success in life.

As I mentioned, it's a very superficial World - women are judged on their youth and beauty, and men are judged on their success and the resources they commandeer. I think this is why very successful businessmen who lose everything call it quits.
 
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Mircea

Mircea

Member
Apr 15, 2019
83
Funny how as I read the title, the first two words that popped to mind were Aaron Schwartz. There is a beautiful person in my life that ended their life 3 years ago... this year it's finally my turn to follow them.
 
ManWithNoName

ManWithNoName

Enlightened
Feb 2, 2019
1,224
I can't imagine how someone can have so much competence to succeed in a competitive field while having suicidal depression. I can barely do anything. A good example is Ned Vizzini
Success is a good deterrent to ctb, as success gives one both a sense of accomplishment as well as acceptance from the outside World.

One of my main factors in considering ctb is the acceptance of the inevitability of aging. No amount of success can reverse this, and I consider aging to be a disfiguring, crippling and fatal disease - so I'd rather go out on my own terms.
 
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pole

Global Mod
Sep 18, 2018
1,385
I mean were all different and i guess its different for everyone. Some let their physical image bother them, some have experiences and go through experencies that negatively affect them, etc. I just see someones physical image as one of MANY reasons for someone wanting to die.
 
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