Venting bad brain

[thegreatminderaser]

i hate that when i know a coworker hates somebody but they remain civil and polite to to them - just like they are with me. do they hate me? i think everyone hates me. i always assume somebody dislikes me, or merely tolerates me. any kindness i encounter is an act of pity. i have one person in the whole world that i believe loves me, and it's not my partner. and even some days, i feel like they don't care, or that they'd be better without me.

whats worse, and makes me feel such immense guilt, is that the kindness one of my coworkers shows me has made some romantic feelings manifest. it's not solely the kindness, he's a sweet and handsome guy, talked me through my meltdown on monday, has similar interests, great taste in music- it's just made worse by the fact that he's just genuinely kind. i'm not special in that way. he's just nice. most people are like that. nice for no reason. it's a good thing but i just don't know what they think of me. i can't take anyone's word for it.

i feel so incredibly small and insignificant. whenever i imagine how things will be when i'm gone, everything is as it was, like i was never here at all.

sorry that this is rambling and all over the place, i'm tired from work and i can't focus with how loud my roommate's tv is. i just needed to get this out.

 

[R. A.]

Your photo made me weepy as a sappy person. I want to clean off the tomatoes.

You post/view is funny - you feel like other people are nice for no reason...but they're also fake and pretend to like people they don't. In reality most people are trying to get by and most of us are in relationship of whatever kind with people without a choice. If my coworker is kind of an ass to me; sure, I could be more of an ass back and make things probably worse for everyone in the environment...but it's just easier to be civil and deal. If it's too much I would probably talk to them and/or management.
But most people are also actually immature as fuck and don't know how to give or receive criticism in a constructive way. The older I get, the more I realise no one else is getting older but in fact is still mentally 13 years old. I see it in my personal life and in the world at large. Just look at most politicians for shit's sake.

Anyway, I hope the TV is quieter and you got some rest. Don't take other people too personally

 

[thegreatminderaser]

Your photo made me weepy as a sappy person. I want to clean off the tomatoes.

You post/view is funny - you feel like other people are nice for no reason...but they're also fake and pretend to like people they don't. In reality most people are trying to get by and most of us are in relationship of whatever kind with people without a choice. If my coworker is kind of an ass to me; sure, I could be more of an ass back and make things probably worse for everyone in the environment...but it's just easier to be civil and deal. If it's too much I would probably talk to them and/or management.
But most people are also actually immature as fuck and don't know how to give or receive criticism in a constructive way. The older I get, the more I realise no one else is getting older but in fact is still mentally 13 years old. I see it in my personal life and in the world at large. Just look at most politicians for shit's sake.

Anyway, I hope the TV is quieter and you got some rest. Don't take other people too personally

i appreciate you taking the time to reply. its funny, my photo actually tickles me, its very silly but you're right, the poor lil guy doesn't deserve it. such a cute creature. i just relate to it, & my previous icon connected me too easily if a friend were to stumble across this.

re: coworkers; it's not so much that i feel like people are fake or that its specifically coworkers - it's more an example of a larger issue of feeling hated by everybody without evidence and not being able to trust anybody who is nice to me. it's definitely the right move to be polite & civil, it's a good feature to have, it just further fuels the anxiety that they don't like me and are just being polite. i hold no ire against them for being good folks. i'd just rather know if someone was not a fan of me so i can either improve if i'm doing something Bad, or at least respect their space if it's a matter of personality.

i try not to obsess over other's peoples view of me, but i feel incredibly lonely and have abandonment issues, so it's something i ruminate on. again, thank you for taking the time to read & reply, it really means a lot

edit: sentence structure fixes

 

[R. A.]

this other reply i wrote in a much more lucid mental state, around the same time as the above, mostly addresses your reply to mine. probably a mental component difference but for me, even people i've been 'sure' of wrt what kind of person they were - people very close to me - i've ended up wrong as fuck about. it's like how marriages can suddenly end after decades and one person be totally shocked. we can only trust so far as people are truthful