Backed out 1hr from my ctb time

[rozeske]

I almost made it yesterday. I was gonna go through partial last night and I was doing ok all day long no anxiety no panic I was actually looking forward to it. Had my last breakfast last lunch last dinner then Bam! when 1hr left it all just hit me at once! Nausea+panic+stomach ache...aaah! it's all just frustrating! If there was even an ounce of a chance my life could get better and I could be happy this was where I would back out for good. How nice would it have been if we had an off switch to just cease exiting!
I guess I will try again tomorrow hopefully it goes well this time once and for all
Any advice or words of wisdom is much appreciated

 

[oddetoad]

Kind of experiencing the same thing. I don't know if I really can do it tbh. The act of CTB feels so unnatural to me. It's like surrendering. Giving up.
But at the same time I feel I can look past that at this point cause it really has 0 weight nowadays ..

I feel like I'm programmed to live. Not just SI. Im talking about like .. I think I'm AI and that the ones behind all this madness have actually implanted a program in me that cant be overriden. So basically it feels like how much I even wanna do it I can't.. I don't know if im just making excuses for myself but it certainly feels that way and my beliefs about this place like people have Religions,I truly believe we are all ai at this point .. and its so sad

also.. Fasting is so extremely unpleasant and I know when I take that last sandwhich 1 hr before the act I know im gonna miss eating sandwiches..

 

[FuneralCry]

I also wish for the eternal offswitch, it'd be such a relief to have access to that. I hate how it's so unnecessarily difficult to die on our own terms, we shouldn't have to struggle so much to die so therefore I really envy those who manage to succeed in ctb. But anyway I wish you the best of luck in your plans.

 

[rozeske]

Kind of experiencing the same thing. I don't know if I really can do it tbh. The act of CTB feels so unnatural to me. It's like surrendering. Giving up.
But at the same time I feel I can look past that at this point cause it really has 0 weight nowadays ..

I feel like I'm programmed to live. Not just SI. Im talking about like .. I think I'm AI and that the ones behind all this madness have actually implanted a program in me that cant be overriden. So basically it feels like how much I even wanna do it I can't.. I don't know if im just making excuses for myself but it certainly feels that way and my beliefs about this place like people have Religions,I truly believe we are all ai at this point .. and its so sad

also.. Fasting is so extremely unpleasant and I know when I take that last sandwhich 1 hr before the act I know im gonna miss eating sandwiches..

I also don't romanticize death as well and believe ctb should be a last resort thing after exhausting all option. Which in my case I believe I have, just gotta take that last step.
Am a foodie too and wouldn't dream of fasting prior to ctb. I don't want to leave hungry :)

I also wish for the eternal offswitch, it'd be such a relief to have access to that. I hate how it's so unnecessarily difficult to die on our own terms, we shouldn't have to struggle so much to die so therefore I really envy those who manage to succeed in ctb. But anyway I wish you the best of luck in your plans.

Thanks a lot