T
TiredHorse
Enlightened
- Nov 1, 2018
- 1,819
I have now been active here on SSF almost two and a half months; a relatively short time, but time that has affected me profoundly. You, the community here —a most amazing, generous, honest, thoughtful, shockingly compassionate community— have seen me through five separate failed attempts, comforted me through the anguished aftermaths and exhaustion, and helped me refine my methods and my approach for my hoped-for success. Throughout it all, survival instinct was my nemesis —and it now appears to have prevailed, at least for the time being.
In short: I have reached a place where I no longer intend to kill myself in the immediate future. I will not rule it out for later, of course, but for now it is off the table. The pain I feel at my collapsed marriage and lost future is no less, the dread I feel at various impending events is every bit as awful as ever, but quite suddenly, this past Saturday night, I felt that something within myself has changed.
There is a huge part of me that resents this change. I am in agony. I don't want to be living this life. I see no way out of this reeking mess that is my existence. It would be so damned much easier to just die. But I must answer honestly to that change if I am to die, eventually, with a clear conscience.
So here I stand. A bit lost. Angry at the work I need to do to move forward. Exhausted. Both dreading and longing for the return of the clarity of suicidality.
I intend to remain un-banned for now, but to significantly reduce my time here, to focus on clearing space to breathe within the rubble that is my life. (Not difficult, since I've been spending most of every waking day here.) I'll almost certainly swing by every day to check my PMs, since I have become as close to a few of you —closer, in many ways— as to most of my IRL acquaintences, but I suspect I'll just skim the forum topics and refrain from weighing in too deeply unless I see that my knowledge might be especially relevant. I am delighted to see that the SuiWiki has been created, and since I agitated for it, I may feel obliged to do my part to contribute to it. I might keep playing in the "Have you ever…?" game.
If you need or want to contact me, for general chat or about a specific topic, of course please drop me a PM.
TiredHorse has lurched back to his feet and is staggering forward once more.
In short: I have reached a place where I no longer intend to kill myself in the immediate future. I will not rule it out for later, of course, but for now it is off the table. The pain I feel at my collapsed marriage and lost future is no less, the dread I feel at various impending events is every bit as awful as ever, but quite suddenly, this past Saturday night, I felt that something within myself has changed.
There is a huge part of me that resents this change. I am in agony. I don't want to be living this life. I see no way out of this reeking mess that is my existence. It would be so damned much easier to just die. But I must answer honestly to that change if I am to die, eventually, with a clear conscience.
So here I stand. A bit lost. Angry at the work I need to do to move forward. Exhausted. Both dreading and longing for the return of the clarity of suicidality.
I intend to remain un-banned for now, but to significantly reduce my time here, to focus on clearing space to breathe within the rubble that is my life. (Not difficult, since I've been spending most of every waking day here.) I'll almost certainly swing by every day to check my PMs, since I have become as close to a few of you —closer, in many ways— as to most of my IRL acquaintences, but I suspect I'll just skim the forum topics and refrain from weighing in too deeply unless I see that my knowledge might be especially relevant. I am delighted to see that the SuiWiki has been created, and since I agitated for it, I may feel obliged to do my part to contribute to it. I might keep playing in the "Have you ever…?" game.
If you need or want to contact me, for general chat or about a specific topic, of course please drop me a PM.
TiredHorse has lurched back to his feet and is staggering forward once more.