Back on my hooves, for now.

[TiredHorse]

I have now been active here on SSF almost two and a half months; a relatively short time, but time that has affected me profoundly. You, the community here —a most amazing, generous, honest, thoughtful, shockingly compassionate community— have seen me through five separate failed attempts, comforted me through the anguished aftermaths and exhaustion, and helped me refine my methods and my approach for my hoped-for success. Throughout it all, survival instinct was my nemesis —and it now appears to have prevailed, at least for the time being.

In short: I have reached a place where I no longer intend to kill myself in the immediate future. I will not rule it out for later, of course, but for now it is off the table. The pain I feel at my collapsed marriage and lost future is no less, the dread I feel at various impending events is every bit as awful as ever, but quite suddenly, this past Saturday night, I felt that something within myself has changed.

There is a huge part of me that resents this change. I am in agony. I don't want to be living this life. I see no way out of this reeking mess that is my existence. It would be so damned much easier to just die. But I must answer honestly to that change if I am to die, eventually, with a clear conscience.

So here I stand. A bit lost. Angry at the work I need to do to move forward. Exhausted. Both dreading and longing for the return of the clarity of suicidality.

I intend to remain un-banned for now, but to significantly reduce my time here, to focus on clearing space to breathe within the rubble that is my life. (Not difficult, since I've been spending most of every waking day here.) I'll almost certainly swing by every day to check my PMs, since I have become as close to a few of you —closer, in many ways— as to most of my IRL acquaintences, but I suspect I'll just skim the forum topics and refrain from weighing in too deeply unless I see that my knowledge might be especially relevant. I am delighted to see that the SuiWiki has been created, and since I agitated for it, I may feel obliged to do my part to contribute to it. I might keep playing in the "Have you ever…?" game.

If you need or want to contact me, for general chat or about a specific topic, of course please drop me a PM.

TiredHorse has lurched back to his feet and is staggering forward once more.

 

[Hopeless_soul]

I'm so glad you've gathered the strength to move forward and give life another chance. That's excellent news! Thank you again for all the help and the info you gave me about the inert gas method. You were the first person that replied the first day I joined this community, about a week ago. I will think about you and hope that everything goes well in your life. Good luck! Hugs.

 

[iHeartRockArt]

I have now been active here on SSF almost two and a half months; a relatively short time, but time that has affected me profoundly. You, the community here —a most amazing, generous, honest, thoughtful, shockingly compassionate community— have seen me through five separate failed attempts, comforted me through the anguished aftermaths and exhaustion, and helped me refine my methods and my approach for my hoped-for success. Throughout it all, survival instinct was my nemesis —and it now appears to have prevailed, at least for the time being.

In short: I have reached a place where I no longer intend to kill myself in the immediate future. I will not rule it out for later, of course, but for now it is off the table. The pain I feel at my collapsed marriage and lost future is no less, the dread I feel at various impending events is every bit as awful as ever, but quite suddenly, this past Saturday night, I felt that something within myself has changed.

There is a huge part of me that resents this change. I am in agony. I don't want to be living this life. I see no way out of this reeking mess that is my existence. It would be so damned much easier to just die. But I must answer honestly to that change if I am to die, eventually, with a clear conscience.

So here I stand. A bit lost. Angry at the work I need to do to move forward. Exhausted. Both dreading and longing for the return of the clarity of suicidality.

I intend to remain un-banned for now, but to significantly reduce my time here, to focus on clearing space to breathe within the rubble that is my life. (Not difficult, since I've been spending most of every waking day here.) I'll almost certainly swing by every day to check my PMs, since I have become as close to a few of you —closer, in many ways— as to most of my IRL acquaintences, but I suspect I'll just skim the forum topics and refrain from weighing in too deeply unless I see that my knowledge might be especially relevant. I am delighted to see that the SuiWiki has been created, and since I agitated for it, I may feel obliged to do my part to contribute to it. I might keep playing in the "Have you ever…?" game.

If you need or want to contact me, for general chat or about a specific topic, of course please drop me a PM.

TiredHorse has lurched back to his feet and is staggering forward once more.

I'm so glad to hear this, but of course it makes me sad that you're still struggling. Either way, we will always be here for you with open arms. Your genuine, heartfelt, and helpful contributions to this community do not go unnoticed. May you find peace in happiness in your life, whichever way it goes. You deserve every bit of it, and more. See ya 'round!

 

[Hunter]

It takes courage to keep going, especially when you know suffering will accompany that journey so hats off to you. Just know you're always welcome here for any decision you make, ctb or not. And yes, the level of compassion present in this space is shockingly high; most wouldn't expect that of a suicide space, eh? Topsy turvy world we live in. Much respect and well wishes, Mr. Horse.

 

[15dec]

That's really good to hear, best of luck friend! I hope you can find peace and can recover. I'm sorry to hear you're still struggling but I hope you find a way out. Hugs

 

[JustAboutDone]

Your title gave me a lovely mental picture of a tired horse, lying in a stable, looking round then putting out it's forelegs and, with a shuddering groan, managing to pull itself up.

Well done, Horse. I'm proud of you

The bridlepath ahead will, of course, be long and bumpy. But whenever you get stones in your hooves there will be someone here with a hoofpick to help you get them out and if your saddle and bridle become uncomfortable someone here will rush to adjust them for you.

 

[21Neberg]

I have now been active here on SSF almost two and a half months; a relatively short time, but time that has affected me profoundly. You, the community here —a most amazing, generous, honest, thoughtful, shockingly compassionate community— have seen me through five separate failed attempts, comforted me through the anguished aftermaths and exhaustion, and helped me refine my methods and my approach for my hoped-for success. Throughout it all, survival instinct was my nemesis —and it now appears to have prevailed, at least for the time being.

In short: I have reached a place where I no longer intend to kill myself in the immediate future. I will not rule it out for later, of course, but for now it is off the table. The pain I feel at my collapsed marriage and lost future is no less, the dread I feel at various impending events is every bit as awful as ever, but quite suddenly, this past Saturday night, I felt that something within myself has changed.

There is a huge part of me that resents this change. I am in agony. I don't want to be living this life. I see no way out of this reeking mess that is my existence. It would be so damned much easier to just die. But I must answer honestly to that change if I am to die, eventually, with a clear conscience.

So here I stand. A bit lost. Angry at the work I need to do to move forward. Exhausted. Both dreading and longing for the return of the clarity of suicidality.

I intend to remain un-banned for now, but to significantly reduce my time here, to focus on clearing space to breathe within the rubble that is my life. (Not difficult, since I've been spending most of every waking day here.) I'll almost certainly swing by every day to check my PMs, since I have become as close to a few of you —closer, in many ways— as to most of my IRL acquaintences, but I suspect I'll just skim the forum topics and refrain from weighing in too deeply unless I see that my knowledge might be especially relevant. I am delighted to see that the SuiWiki has been created, and since I agitated for it, I may feel obliged to do my part to contribute to it. I might keep playing in the "Have you ever…?" game.

If you need or want to contact me, for general chat or about a specific topic, of course please drop me a PM.

TiredHorse has lurched back to his feet and is staggering forward once more.

I'm so glad to read that you're not actively suicidal anymore. I truly hope everything picks up for you again, and you find a new joy in your life.

 

[Chinaski]

I am delighted to see that the SuiWiki has been created, and since I agitated for it, I may feel obliged to do my part to contribute to it.

Happy to read that you'd still be keen to contribute to this, the wiki is a great idea imo and l know weedoge was strongly agitating for it for a very long time but now he's banned he can't contribute to it, sadly.

Good luck with your recovery, I'm always much happier to read of even a vaguely successful recovery than l am of a very successful ctb. Go well.

 

[Buddyluv19]

Thank you, @TiredHorse, for your kindness. Peace to you. It sounds like you have some solid 'footing' to work with going forward. I hope you are greeted with the kindness and generosity I have witnessed from you here.

The bridlepath ahead will, of course, be long and bumpy. But whenever you get stones in your hooves there will be someone here with a hoofpick to help you get them out and if your saddle and bridle become uncomfortable someone here will rush to adjust them for you.

@TiredHorse - Thank you for all that you've contributed here. I will miss your posts. After sharing our experiences with our horses, I thought, "he should publish a book of his experiences." (Sorry if you've already heard that enough!)

To add to the sentiments of @JustAboutDone, I wish you an excellent Farrier and Vet. Somehow I trust you've got that covered.

Peace

 

[Johnnythefox]

All the best to you mate and look after yourself.

 

[Lara Francis]

Thats great news tiredhorse.
I wish you well and please know that you are a much loved and valued soul and that we will always be here for you as you have been for us.
Hugs x

 

[Moony21]

I am happy for you. I wish you the best. good luck.

 

[Jen Erik]

I wish you the best, TiredHorse. Your expressions of empathy were so kind and eloquent. Sharing your detailed knowledge of and experience with the exit bag/inert gasses was enormously helpful to me. Thank you so much.

 

[Redt2go]

Hey @TiredHorse . I was committed to recovery last night and was feeling pretty okay and hopeful to try living. I woke up feeling pretty sad this morning about the outlook of my future. It's like both my desire to ctb and my desire to live are fleeting. Does this happen to you in your commitment to live? Sorry if this question is too personal.

 

[TiredHorse]

Hey @TiredHorse . I was committed to recovery last night and was feeling pretty okay and hopeful to try living. I woke up feeling pretty sad this morning about the outlook of my future. It's like both my desire to ctb and my desire to live are fleeting. Does this happen to you in your commitment to live? Sorry if this question is too personal.

That's not at all too personal; I'm fine with that.

Short answer: I think I experience the same thing several times each day.

Mornings are currently the worst. I've been having dreams about my ex --nightmares in the emotional sense-- where the overwhelming sense is how our marriage has all collapsed and I'll never see her or be with her again. I wake into a fog of futility and despair, terribly alone, with no real hope for a happy future, longing for the clarity of knowing I could ctb that day. At those times, hiding under the covers, my awareness that it isn't time to die feels very tenuous --but I can't quite gather together all the feelings I need to ctb, either. Does that make any sense? I feel more stuck in limbo than moving forward in either direction.

Once I'm up and moving, I'm able to distract myself a bit, and that helps, but it isn't as though I'm especially happy. I'm just trudging, and the current path isn't toward ctb. But there are a lot of times during the day where the loneliness and despair fill in around me and I find myself thinking, "Why am I bothering?"

Maybe the current path will loop around and reconnect with the ctb path, or maybe I'll come around a corner and find myself in Shangri La. I can't tell yet.

 

[Redt2go]

That's not at all too personal; I'm fine with that.

Short answer: I think I experience the same thing several times each day.

Mornings are currently the worst. I've been having dreams about my ex --nightmares in the emotional sense-- where the overwhelming sense is how our marriage has all collapsed and I'll never see her or be with her again. I wake into a fog of futility and despair, terribly alone, with no real hope for a happy future, longing for the clarity of knowing I could ctb that day. At those times, hiding under the covers, my awareness that it isn't time to die feels very tenuous --but I can't quite gather together all the feelings I need to ctb, either. Does that make any sense? I feel more stuck in limbo than moving forward in either direction.

Once I'm up and moving, I'm able to distract myself a bit, and that helps, but it isn't as though I'm especially happy. I'm just trudging, and the current path isn't toward ctb. But there are a lot of times during the day where the loneliness and despair fill in around me and I find myself thinking, "Why am I bothering?"

Maybe the current path will loop around and reconnect with the ctb path, or maybe I'll come around a corner and find myself in Shangri La. I can't tell yet.

Yes, this makes perfect sense to me. Stuck in limbo. :( It's also like what's the point in trying if I won't be happy. I completely relate with everything you said even the ex part. Thanks so much for sharing this. Keep trudging. I'm going to keep trying too at least for a bit.

 

[TiredHorse]

Yes, this makes perfect sense to me. Stuck in limbo. :( It's also like what's the point in trying if I won't be happy. I completely relate with everything you said even the ex part. Thanks so much for sharing this. Keep trudging. I'm going to keep trying too at least for a bit.

That's the big question, isn't it? What's the point in trying if I won't be happy? I can't answer it, either. I'm just in a place where trudging is what I need to do. Maybe the scenery will change and... Shangri La. Or at least something other than dust and brambles. But until I stumble across it, I have no idea whether there's anything ahead worth finding.

I hope your trudging goes well. If you like, keep hollering across at me every now and then, from your path, and I'll holler back. Maybe we can keep each other amused as we trudge.

 

[color_me_gone]

This is what I love about this forum, all these answers. Thank you everyone!
Loving support, regardless of your choice.
In the short time I have been here, I see TiredHorse as a rock on SS. A foundation.
I will miss (seeing less of) you, but I am also so happy that you found the strength to pull yourself out of the pit.
Yes, it will still be hard to rebuild your life. You face many challenges ahead of you.
I wish you all the strength and fortitude you will need to do so.
I hope you can achieve your Shangri La.

 

[JustAboutDone]

This is what I love about this forum, all these answers. Thank you everyone!
Loving support, regardless of your choice.
In the short time I have been here, I see TiredHorse as a rock on SS. A foundation.
I will miss seeing less of you, but I am also so happy that you found the strength to pull yourself out of the pit.
Yes, it will still be hard to rebuild your life. You face many challenges ahead of you.
I wish you all the strength and fortitude you will need to do so.
I hope you can achieve your Shangri La.

@color_me_gone This is so nice :-) really touched me. I love how supportive everyone is. @TiredHorse i wish you a full hay net and a comfortable stable of fresh, clean straw while you wait for sunnier days x

 

[color_me_gone]

This is so nice :-) really touched me.

Thank you dear. It really WAS from my heart

 

[TiredHorse]

@color_me_gone, I am flattered that you think so highly of me. And to all of you, thank you for your kind thoughts and good wishes. I seem to still be spending a fair bit of time here at SSF, since you all have become my "herd," though I have no idea how that will change in the coming... weeks? Months? Years? If I find any sign of Shangri La, you all will be among the first to hear of it.

 

[Thewhowithin69]

Oh my. I stayed away today, tried to. I'm so ambivalent and even angry that I'm back in the spot that ctb seems my best option!
I know we all have our unique journeys and reasons for being here but I had to share that your post genuinely touched me, and I haven't felt that spark of connection with many others for such a terribly long time. Thank you. I know you don't know me and I haven't been here long enough to know many of you all that well yet but you are one of the few I took note of...
I hear your pain over your recent relationship "issues" and I know that the beauty I have experienced with my SO is one of the reasons I clung TO life, that knowing and being known, the acceptance and love and fun and all those positive mushy feelings many of us seem to earn for....i wonder if the hope for more of that isn't what keeps us fighting for one more damn breath? Guess I know how when it ends (or changes for the negative) it can take years to sort that all out. It's been almost 3 years since I said goodbye to my SO of 19 years. And it often feels as sharp a pain today as original but it definitely doesn't consume me like it did. And before my health took a dump I was finally thinking that maybe I could see hoping I might one day find someone to connect with in a similar fashion. Course that isn't a possibility for me now but I'm just hoping you might be able to find something to hope for yourself. Part of my recovery was what I worked towards, desires, goals, dreams, wishes whatever you wanna call them. Not necessarily relationship but whatever may cause you happiness. Gave me something to believe in if that makes sense.

I'm sad to read that I won't have the chance to know you better but I am sure not spending so much time here could be a step towards focusing on living rather then dying. I had to do that myself many years ago, when I so badly wanted to be out of my pain and suffering but life would not let me go yet. And turning towards living even when there aren't messes to deal with, takes a fair amount of energy these days!! When you add stress it can be overwhelming....so i hope you can come and touch bases if you need to. Or find some good solid self care tools...but I also send warm positive and healing energies to you! I DO know that things tend to cycle so if your luck's been shit then your up for a less shit spell. Ok I don't know that for sure but part of my own dance with recovery has been plain old positive thinking ;) or maybe I was born an idealist who got it beaten out of her too early in life?? And then there is the continual urge for denial, never as bad as it actually is, trying to make life more "palatable" or pretty....for fucks sake!
Lol ok sorry its late for me and today was a horrific pain day so thinking is so hard....just wanted to try and say thank you and good luck with your own recovery, so wish I could join ya.

 

[TiredHorse]

Lol --I love you too, Smilla! But don't worry: I'll probably crash and burn. It isn't like this trudging is any damned fun, and I haven't yet taken my tank of N2 back up to the shop.

That's the problem with a pro-choice site: you get both sides.

 

[Smilla]

Lol --I love you too, Smilla! But don't worry: I'll probably crash and burn. It isn't like this trudging is any damned fun, and I haven't yet taken my tank of N2 back up to the shop.

That's the problem with a pro-choice site: you get both sides.

I don't have a problem with both sides, that's how it should be. Edit: your attempt at snarky sarcasm with I love you too Smilla didn't go unnoticed.

I do, however, have a problem with the tone of posts (like yours) that assume people who live are better than people who choose to die—those "few of us" who "go on" to "greener pastures".

It reeks of smugness, sorry if it hurts your feelings.

 

[TiredHorse]

I'm sorry you took offense at my post, and that you took my comment as snarky sarcasm (it was not meant as such; I do enjoy your more hard-boiled view of things), and that you somehow read in my words a sense of superiority --which I assure I do not feel. A few of us here have found ourselves currently trudging away from the bus stop. Whether we make it or not... No telling. It isn't like it's a harder, easier, better, worse, superior, or inferior path --it's just different.

There is no smugness, and so I am not upset by your assumption of such. Again, I'm sorry for giving you reason to take offense.

 

[Thewhowithin69]

I don't have a problem with both sides, that's how it should be. Edit: your attempt at snarky sarcasm with I love you too Smilla didn't go unnoticed.

I do, however, have a problem with the tone of posts (like yours) that assume people who live are better than people who choose to die—those "few of us" who "go on" to "greener pastures".

It reeks of smugness, sorry if it hurts your feelings.

Interesting. I had not considered how SI could be seen as smugness. It is also interesting that you heard tiredhorse's choice as 'better than'...I actually heard his fear and even frustration that he cannot get past his SI. I know I would prefer your absoluteness. I am very ambivalent and that makes shit harder not easier. I think when we at this place in our lives that everything we read is filtered through our own pain, as pain in it's design is self-absorbing.
I am sorry that you felt judged somehow....I really hate those feelings because noone is "right" or "wrong"....we are all unique and coming at this from different places.
But I also won't apologise if I'm seen as prolife because sometimes I am. I am MORE prochoice but isn't it a bit of instinct that says IF life can be bearable isn't it ok to shoot for that?? And isn't this forum for working all those sticky parts out??
Even with that I would never think that it means that my view is better than anyone else's....in fact I probably lean towards it's usually off or missing something!!
And ironically maybe just because you hate posts like these just means you hate them, not that your saying they shouldn't be allowed (which was where I went! Lol).
Thanks for making me think more about how I come across, and how much I read into what others post!! I know I jumped in but I am trying to learn forum ettiquette since I'm new....I'm sure I'll be schooled if I'm not doing it well!!
Carry on...

 

[TiredHorse]

Easy on, everyone. Please?

 

[iHeartRockArt]

Wow, everyone, please..let's simmer down. We are not here to disrespect others. OP is genuinely sharing something that's a little more positive happening in his life and that he is trying to find his way in the world. Why all the negativity? This is not the support this community is known for. Please do not disrespect each other.

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

Aw I like this title, welcome back Mr. Horse *hugs you warmly* <3

 

[color_me_gone]

let's simmer down

Wish I could give you a lot more than the single "like" permitted. :-)