Back after five years

[hadenough]

I'm back after a five year absence. I thought I would give things a try, try to be positive and see a bright future. I even went to therapy and stopped my suicidal thoughts. Now I am back and nothing has changed since the first time. All the positive thinking did not convert to a positive life, the therapy didn't really help, it felt like I was hearing recycled tropes that the therapist had used with all their other clients. Avoiding suicidal thoughts actually made me feel more depressed, I think the thought of ctb is comforting. Everything came to a head last Wednesday and the old suicidal thoughts re-emerged with a vengeance. The only difference this time is that I am more resolute in doing it. I have tried to be a "normal" functional being but it just isn't me. I wasn't really happy, I was just going through the motions. It seems that once the suicide seed has been planted it doesn't stop growing.

 

[Arahant]

If you had no sense of self, would you have any suffering or need for suicide?

 

[imnotsurewhy]

I'm back after a five year absence. I thought I would give things a try, try to be positive and see a bright future. I even went to therapy and stopped my suicidal thoughts. Now I am back and nothing has changed since the first time. All the positive thinking did not convert to a positive life, the therapy didn't really help, it felt like I was hearing recycled tropes that the therapist had used with all their other clients. Avoiding suicidal thoughts actually made me feel more depressed, I think the thought of ctb is comforting. Everything came to a head last Wednesday and the old suicidal thoughts re-emerged with a vengeance. The only difference this time is that I am more resolute in doing it. I have tried to be a "normal" functional being but it just isn't me. I wasn't really happy, I was just going through the motions. It seems that once the suicide seed has been planted it doesn't stop growing.

I dont know what to say other than i m sorry that your efforts didnt work

 

[hadenough]

If you had no sense of self, would you have any suffering or need for suicide?

It's the thought of having no sense of self after death that makes me want to ctb.

 

[Arahant]

It's the thought of having no sense of self after death that makes me want to ctb.

So if you were given ultimate proof and guarantee that you would have a sense of self after death, then ctb would lose it's appeal?

(I promise this conversation has aim and value if you care to continue it)

 

[Beyond_Repair]

To be honest, as nihilistic as it sounds I think most people are just going through the motions. Most people keep themselves busy enough for dark thoughts not to surface and they don't have time to reflect or really think about things too much. And that works for them

I feel for you though, I also went several years where on the outside I had would seem to be a good, normal life, but it never changed the suicidal feelings

 

[hadenough]

So if you were given ultimate proof and guarantee that you would have a sense of self after death, then ctb would lose it's appeal?

(I promise this conversation has aim and value if you care to continue it)

Good question. It would certainly make me think twice. I am not religious and have never believed in an afterlife but thinking of death I do have some fear that if there is life after death it could be a whole lot worse.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

So if you were given ultimate proof and guarantee that you would have a sense of self after death, then ctb would lose it's appeal?

(I promise this conversation has aim and value if you care to continue it)

There is no way i'll ever believe in any god, computer simulation, afterlife, soul , reincarnation, magic , anything supernatural .

i believe me a human is just a machine an animal a bug, that first cell all life descended from.

All Life on Earth Comes From One Single Ancestor. And It's So Much Older Than We Thought.

Scientists have pushed back LUCA’s origin by hundreds of millions of years.

www.popularmechanics.com

why would a god care what an animal like me does from moment to moment?

Why is that an ant crawling to the left instead of the right important or that "i" wash clothes or take out the trash ? I think evolution and the culture / society programed our brain to think any of this , the world , or the universe or that i or we are anything or important valuable . what objective meaning could any action i take have . what objective meaning could life have ? life is meaningless suffering.

The only real thing to me is extreme pain and avoiding extreme pain through suicide

 

[Arahant]

Good question. It would certainly make me think twice. I am not religious and have never believed in an afterlife but thinking of death I do have some fear that if there is life after death it could be a whole lot worse.

The reason I chunk it out into several questions was to hopefully help you sense a bit instead of simply think and understand.

Thing is, buddhists have for about 2600 years thought that life sucked with all it's meaningless suffering, and to end that suffering they do an empirical experiment called insight meditation to vanquish the illusion of self (attain enlightenment).
Various schools have various ways and methods to achieve this end (enlightenment), but to say it simply by quoting a zen monk:
"No self = No problems".

This is not some hokey woo woo spiritual alternative to suicide.
This is premium, top-shelf, luxurious and very thorough suicide.

To really determine if ctb is the best course of action we would need perfect certainty of the death and potential afterlife etc.
Without that, enlightenment is the best way to hedge bets.
Less suffering right now, later in life and after death (if you believe the magical thinking of buddhism).

Take it for a spin: Find where your sense of self is located.
Most people feel it as inside their skin, behind and between their eyes; the brain as a knot of tension.
OK, relax that knot of tension. Take your time, let it soften, expand, dilute, vanish.
It may happen in a second or a minute. If you fully relax that knot of "self", your suffering changes along with it. Maybe even stops temporarily.

There is no way i'll ever believe in any god, computer simulation, afterlife, soul , reincarnation, magic , anything supernatural .

i believe me a human is just a machine an animal a bug, that first cell all life descended from.

All Life on Earth Comes From One Single Ancestor. And It's So Much Older Than We Thought.

Scientists have pushed back LUCA’s origin by hundreds of millions of years.

www.popularmechanics.com

why would a god care what an animal like me does from moment to moment?

Why is that an ant crawling to the left instead of the right important or that "i" wash clothes or take out the trash ? I think evolution and the culture / society programed our brain to think any of this , the world , or the universe or that i or we are anything or important valuable . what objective meaning could any action i take have . what objective meaning could life have ? life is meaningless suffering.

The only real thing to me is extreme pain and avoiding extreme pain through suicide

I agree completely, life is suffering, god is a complete prick (if real, which I as an ex christian hope not), and meaning exists nowhere outside the minds of people and is thus relative and arbitrary.
Buddhists generally agree.

I am sorry that you are in extreme pain, and wish for it to be over forever for you.
Are we talking physical or emotional pain?
Have had a fair amount of both and it's brutal.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

For what it's worth, what's been done once is becomes easier to do again and that includes former modes of thinking. I remember when I first had ideation, I was mad at myself as it felt alien to me. But the grooves in the psyche have been cut and it's easier to fall back into the old ways of thinking just like a former addict has to be vigilant against relapse.

While this site can be used o accelerate ctb, for me it also serves as a stop gap to be able to know I'm not alone in the struggle and refine my personal ethical, moral and spiritual thoughts on suicide. Sorry you to hear your last round of recovery methods didn't bear fruit. If anything maybe they bought you some time but for what in the existential sense, that's for you to decide.

 

[null_blank]

Welcome back.

Sorry you're here again.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome back! I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.

It seems that once the suicide seed has been planted it doesn't stop growing.

Yeah, that's true. Once suicidal thoughts are manifested in our brain and our life doesn't get better despite effort they're growing and growing.

 

[VeryShy]

Welcome back. I hope you will find some benefit from this forum.

 

[CatLvr]

I am both happy and sad you are back. Happy you feel comfortable here, and sad that you are once again having to seek relief.