Autism is why I’m alone

[lex4449]

Hey man, sorry you're going through this, I'm also autistic and in a similar spot.


I guess and hope you're not serious here, but if you are I just want to say that's false.

Not having a girlfriend has been my main source of pain, although more recently along with OCD-type fears and regret over past immoral actions. I still struggle with this, but I'm certain I've made good progress on the path. I hope these thoughts can be of some sort of help or inspiration; otherwise, feel free to ignore them, of course:

1. Breaking a relationship up into parts (sex/romance/companionship/daily life/marriage/etc). Which ones, if any, are just not appealing? Which ones, if any, can be substituted? Example: I don't actually want to have casual sex at all (very temporary, probably severely overrated, STD risk, etc), and just having someone around in daily life stuff doesn't seem necessary. But, I feel a desire for romantic companionship type stuff (like getting a thoughtful present from a gf or some cute romantic moments type thing). Breaking it up further, what is the romantic moments' components, and are they unappealing or outsourceable? Her attention, being seen, someone thinks about me and picks out a gift they know I'd like, they want me to be happy and is putting in effort on their own to achieve this. (I'm actually almost tearing up writing this, lol). Other romantic moments involve hugging/touch/etc, this can, more or less, be broken down into a plethora of warm touch sensations and psycho-social emotional sensations (acceptance, mating-type oxytocin or whatever, relaxation, positive emotions, etc). The purely touch type sensations part can be replaced, although maybe not fully replicated, with things like exercising, hot tubs, or whatever, I assume. The psycho-social emotional part I believe could be handled to at least a fair degree by something like a friend group/getting social status from work, or maybe a hobby or something.

2. I didn't even mention the greatest weapon we have at our disposal in (1), meditation (I have a megathread about it in my signature). The ways meditation can help in this situation are numerous. Reducing suffering from emotional pain of loneliness, increasing ability to focus on something else (maybe something like music or work/school), and many other things mentioned elsewhere. The effects also cross over and help each other (the less we suffer, the easier to focus on something else, which makes us suffer less, for an example).

3. I'm hesitant about writing this last one, since it could be offensive (edit: think I managed to make it less offensive just now before posting, nice), but I'll want to put this out there since I think it may help someone take the edge off until other strategies start working. Look, isn't it common practice nowadays for people to have sex early? Open relationship, group sex, casual sex, etc. I personally feel highly iffy about marrying a person who's been "left testicle licker" in a foursome. Purely emotionally speaking, I'd rather find out they'd been robbing old people (years ago, and then changed her ways and now regret her actions). Just something to think about, your own preferences in a partner, even if it seems like there aren't any suitors. I'm not sad about not being able to purchase a machine gun, I don't want a machine gun. For self defense I want to attempt to use non-lethal ways like grappling or a stick or something, you know? Maybe for you/the reader there are other thing that turn you off from romantic prospects. Feces? Makeup? Dress styles? Aging and death?

Anyway, I hope this can be of some help, I'm also trying to figure out how to deal with this.
Best wishes and take care.


Edit: Forgot to say something I thought about mid-post. Maybe important. There may also still be opportunities for companionship later on. Even for myself, I don't put the probability of gf at 0%. Especially considering I haven't had tens of female friends (or even one) throughout my life. I suppose for a fair assessment we'd have to have, just to pull a number out of thin air, at least 20 close female friends before thinking about stating that it's over. Even then, we'd probably need more like hundreds, of various backgrounds/groups/ages/etc. Just concerned that the conclusion seemed drawn from online writings rather than repeated personal contact with real women (not that I have had such contact myself outside of immediate family).

Anyway, hit me up if you want to hear more from me bro.

the fact that you assumed I'm like this is only because of shit I saw online is utterly ridiculous. All of that is waaaaaay to fucking complicated. I'm sticking with suicide.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I hate autism. Suffering so much including the isolation and solitude described above just because of a condition that was imposed on you in an existence you never asked and would have rejected (at least me) is so horrible.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

the fact that you assumed I'm like this is only because of shit I saw online is utterly ridiculous.

Sorry, when I wrote the last part I forgot to add your experience along with the online writings. Still, the main point was just to question if we can really claim that it's over without having had many female friends.

All of that is waaaaaay to fucking complicated.

Gotcha, the most important part imo was what I said about meditation and the megathread (point #2). Tbh, that complicated stuff I'm struggling to use, myself.

 

[L'absent]

I completely understand your feelings and the frustration of believing you're undesirable because of your traits. But I'd like to share my experience: I was in a relationship with someone who had some of the characteristics you describe, such as repetitiveness, strict adherence to routines, and a strong inclination toward solitude. And yet, I never saw these things as a burden or a limitation because our bond was sincere, intense, and, most importantly, suited to both of us.
I think that's the key point: it's not about forcing yourself to adapt to someone or changing to become more "desirable," but rather about finding a person with whom there's a natural compatibility—someone for whom who you are isn't an obstacle but simply a part of the relationship.
The truth is that in any relationship, both people adapt to each other, make compromises, and build a unique balance together. If someone truly loves you, they don't focus on the difficulties or rigid expectations of what a relationship "should" be; instead, they find joy and meaning in what the two of you share.
I understand the disappointment and the temptation to shut down to avoid further hurt, but the world is full of people who love and relate in different ways. There will always be someone for whom you are not just acceptable but truly special.
I'm not saying you should blindly throw yourself into things or ignore the challenges, but don't assume that your uniqueness is a sentence to isolation. Because when you find the right person, the way you are isn't a problem—it's one of the things that makes that relationship real.

 

[littlebunny]

Same, I'm sick of living with autism. I am a girl although I think most people who decide to not like me or ignore me are other women. It's like I fail to connect with them drastically every time and I wish it wasn't true. It hurts to be not liked because you get left out or just feel less than, especially when it's something you can't change easily. Sometimes I wake up tired of it all, of failing to connect with others all the time and being not liked.

 

[lex4449]

I understand the disappointment and the temptation to shut down to avoid further hurt, but the world is full of people who love and relate in different ways. There will always be someone for whom you are not just acceptable but truly special.

Well, they had their fucking chance. They should've just come to me when they got the chance. I'm going to die. And no one can stop me

 

[rehm2k3]

HI! I am an autistic and ADHD woman. I understand you and your experience. It's true, being autistic is a disability that is invisible to many but for us who live it it is very visible. We know our experiences perfectly (often bullying, even serious trauma, exclusion, lack of support and often school difficulties). In my experience, beyond school/university which are battlegrounds that can undermine our self-esteem, the deficits destroy us in executive functions that are often lacking and in the social ones (our absorbing interests, the difficulty in recognizing non-verbal or symbolic language). We often end up alone and isolated. It can be worked on with psychological therapy, especially cognitive behavioral therapy, and with pharmacological therapy given that there are often comorbidities but at my age I think it is useless. Whatever your decision for the future, I give you a virtual hug from a distance, for reasons similar to yours I am seriously thinking about suicide.

you could literally find a boyfriend within hours if you wanted to

Hugs man, I am in a similar situation too due to my autism and below average face. I feel like there isn't a real solution to my problems, I just got dealt a very bad hand.

same man, my life is fucking over. It took a bad LSD trip for me to realise the problems I had in my life. Being ugly and autistic is why I struggled to make friends and its also why no woman has ever shown the slightest bit of interest in me. Being told its my fault is like rubbing salt on the wound.