Attempt survivors - what was going through your head when you first realized you survived?

[Passenger4224]

Random question that appeared in my head. Curious about hearing others' experiences!

 

[Good night]

After an OD of 140 mg lorazepam and 37 pills of Sertraline, I did not know where I was... In one or two weeks I was able to recover myself in... the psych ward! Yay! /s

I realized I survived and my memory was broken af.

 

[Kayla]

When I finally got my consciousness back after an SN attempt, it was a "ah shit here we go again" moment

 

[apassingmoment]

the last actual attempt i made that could've killed me was when i took half a bottle of some random meds i found lying around, can't remember what it was called because about 15 minutes after i took it i passed out and apparently started throwing up violently. as luck (or unluck) would have it, i landed on my side and i didnt choke on my own vomit.

as i woke up, i mostly felt disgusted with myself. like i couldn't do anything right. i still feel that way, honestly.

 

[wine is fine but]

with my last one which was around 35 years ago, i took a whole lot of prescription medication that was way more than the maximum daily amount that should be taken
then wrapped a t-shirt around my neck. the head started throbbing straight away . . . it felt good
i turned blue almost instantly and i waited, and waited, and waited, and waited. obviously i could still draw a little air in. enough to stay alive, but not enough to be risk free. i kept getting up to see the condition of my face in the mirror, and it looked in a way that most people would think was horrific. i thought i was so close to achieving my wish
after around 90 minutes, i was bored crapless. i removed the t-shirt and it was the most beautiful, cooling and refreshing feeling ever. it didn't last, but aside from having multiple broken capillaries all over my face, and particularly my eyelids and around my eyes, and a stomach that wasn't too bad, but wasn't perfect either, i seemingly got away with it

 

[knowledgeseeking]

During my attempt I never once had second thoughts and even felt optimism and peace. Waking up after was devastating, pure depression. Upset that I'm still here and like I am a failure for not succeeding.

 

[nonliv]

For me it was just numbness for a bit, memory loss, and then being thankful I survived. The feeling has passed now but I wish it didn't

 

[fightclub17]

'Fuck I can't move'

 

[Forveleth]

Anger. Just anger. I did not want to survive.

 

[quietwater]

Random question that appeared in my head. Curious about hearing others' experiences!

Nothing. I tried to kill myself three times and all three failed, but everytime I regain conciousness I am just confused and mostly tired, I think I dissociate a bit. I feel this tiredness washing over me. The regret and hate about not succeding comes later, when my mind is clear.

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

My first real serious attempt was in 2009. I OD'd on all my Zyprexa. I wasn't 100% sure if it would work (didn't know how much would be lethal) but I took it anyway and just hoped for the best (whatever that is). I was basically unconscious for 3 days. I woke up very briefly to use the restroom.

To make a long story short, for the next few days I was kinda dissociated. Like, I was in another dimension, but still here. If that makes sense.

The closest I've come since then was a few days ago when I put my head in a slipknot. I felt myself blacking out and then without realizing it, I got up from my position. For a couple minutes I just felt this absolutely amazing euphoric rush (Which, I guess is common when regaining consciousness from blacking out). I wouldn't say I was angry it didn't work, but I wasn't happy it didn't. I was just... shocked. Shocked that it didn't and shocked that I actually went that far!

EDIT: FYI if anyone is thinking of OD'ing on Zyprexa (Olanzapine) I do not recommend it; unless maybe you mix it with lots of alcohol or some other sedative. It is VERY unpleasant!

 

[Mgelanie]

Random question that appeared in my head. Curious about hearing others' experiences!

I felt stupid cuz I tried to end it with insect poison

 

[BlueLock]

immediate regret, i was 13 or 14 at the time and did it very impulsively.

 

[NotSoEnchanted]

I was angry and very confused when I properly woke up from my coma. I freaked out and tried to leave, and they shot me up with ketamine. The ketamine made me go into psychosis and I had a terrifying 3-4 days until I snapped out of it. After I was disappointed and honestly in a bit of a shock that I was still alive.

 

[pharsyde]

i just started crying i was extremely disappointed.