Venting Attachement

[SixNeufUn]

I feel strange. I've always grown up with my grandmother since I was very young. Like, she literally lives next door to us, and I was lucky that almost my entire family are neighbors, lol.


So that's the whole context of my mother, and honestly, I don't understand how she became like this or how she changed. She has always been kind to me, taken care of me when I was sick, etc., fed me, and defended me every time against my mother, and all this for 18 years.


But despite this, I've never felt this attachment. I've always felt uncomfortable with everyone. I would even say that I have no attachment at all. It was the same with my other grandmother, who was also my neighbor, and she too is a sweetheart who took care of me. But it's the same thing.


I've never felt any attachment to them, nor love. In fact, there has always been this constant discomfort. When I was little, I spoke very little, was introverted, kept everything to myself, and I don't remember any unpleasant moments with them, but I don't understand where it's blocking. Not long ago, I learned that both were dying (cancer and old age), but yet I feel nothing.


I've never wanted to check on them, hear their voices, I would even say that I could learn that they are dead and it wouldn't impact my life at all. Yet they are the only two figures who have shown me unconditional love for almost my entire life. I don't know what's wrong. I just thought about it because my mother is harassing me to call my grandmother, but I've never done it and I don't really want to.


I feel like I don't deserve them, I know she complains that I don't call them and maybe they even suffer from it, but it's not enough to make me change my mind. Well, I'm cooked.

Edit: When I say 'she' its for both of them obviously
Its the same with everything. Each relationship didn't go well on my part since I wasn't giving enough "love"

 

[mango-meridian]

I think that whatever feelings you have about them are valid.

I feel similarly about most of my family, including my parents. Even though they met all my physical needs growing up, I never felt emotionally connected to them as a child and still don't today as an adult. When my dad passed away years ago, I didn't even grieve. On an emotional level I felt as affected by it as I did when I heard about strangers passing away. People tried to tell me that was normal (i.e. "there's no right or wrong way to grieve!"), but it's not. People should feel something when a parent passes away, otherwise the relationship had major issues to begin with.

I don't know why I didn't feel a strong connection to my parents. Of course, my first theory is that when I was very young they just didn't put in the effort to try to love/understand me, but who knows. I don't remember much from those years.

I've thought about trying to breathe some life into my familial relationships so that I can feel some actual connection, but it feels difficult and overwhelming. How exactly would I go about this? Do I have to bring up the fact that I never really felt loved and understood, or do I quietly put that behind me and make the best of what lays ahead? I'm worried that this effort will unearth facts, events and memories from that past that will shake up our outwardly-seeming functional, stable family.

I don't know how much my situation has in common with yours, but regardless of what ends up happening with your family, I hope you eventually find people that you can feel deep, mutual connection with, even if it's not your bio family.

 

[alienfreak]

I feel the same toward my family. I was genuinely surprised that when i moved away from my family, and basically stopped talking to them, i just never missed them. 5 years after leaving and not even once have i felt like i "miss them". Nothing dramatic happened when i left and everyone expected that i loved them and would stay in contact.

I don't know why I didn't feel a strong connection to my parents. Of course, my first theory is that when I was very young they just didn't put in the effort to try to love/understand me, but who knows. I don't remember much from those years.

This is certainly part of it for me. I remember being very young and having my feelings simply invalidated. Even now i know if i tried to a have a meaningful conversation i know i would be left feeling misunderstood and probably create a big argument where everyone is frustrated. It's like i speak a different language than my family, and ive had that feeling ever since i was a child. It may be related to being on the autism spectrum (still not sure if i am)