At what point did you decide you were ready to CBT?

[7BLue7]

It's one thing to feel suicidal or have suicidal thoughts. But at what point did you accept that you genuinely want to CTB and will definitely go through with it? I believe that thoughts caused by mental health struggles can be separate to what you truly want, so when did the suicidal feelings start feeling "real" to you?
How did you decide you were definitely ready to CTB?

 

[sadalways]

I've been suicidal since i was a teen, for like 11 years now, back then i thought my reasons were stupid and i'll grow out of them maybe and things will get better.
Well, that was complete bullshit and a huge cope because it's only gotten worse, i'm 24 now and the problems i had back then, are getting worse and worse. I stopped believing i'll get better when i was like... 20? 21 maybe. That's when i was like "yeah one day i'll have to do it". I've gotten some 'happy' phases that come and go, mainly if i occupy myself with something and forget everything that's happening, but whenever these happy thoughts go away, things only get significantly worse and i'm tired of it. So yea i'd say it's been a few years now since i started preparing myself for it and me being naive and dumb the only reason i haven't done it yet is because there's a tiny, small thread of hope at the back of my mind that doesn't let me go, even though i am well aware that things will not have a good outcome. That, and not wanting to hurt a person close to me. I know sooner or later i will have to go through with it.

 

[Reflection]

Nah I'm not into cock and ball torture lol.

Seriously though I'm not exactly completely ready to commit suicide since I still have a small hope that things might change for the better even if I'm currently an emotional trainwreck and constantly have to keep myself from doing something impulsive. I don't want to die I just wish I could fix my circumstances first and foremost, which unfortunately is something that is out of my control.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

My first attempt was 10 years ago at age 15 so I've been like this for a while

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

It's one thing to feel suicidal or have suicidal thoughts. But at what point did you accept that you genuinely want to CTB and will definitely go through with it? I believe that thoughts caused by mental health struggles can be separate to what you truly want, so when did the suicidal feelings start feeling "real" to you?
How did you decide you were definitely ready to CTB?

When I realized my family is pure evil and also has a world of resources with specifically malicious intent towards me that I can never escape. After 8 years of being steadily pushed into various corners, I realized that it wasn't just dumb luck, it was systematic string pulling by incredibly powerful people associated with my family.

When your own family wants you to suffer and die, well, why not just die.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'll personally always prefer to not exist no matter what, simply just existing is enough to make me wish for the peace of an eternal dreamless sleep and I suffer so much from how the option to just simply cease existing in peace is denied for me, I just want to choose to permanently stop suffering. I just wish for permanent relief from the torturous, futile burden of existing as a human that I never would had chosen and never would had wished for in the first place.

For me non-existence is all I see as positive, it's all I see as desirable, it's my way to escape from all futile unnecessary suffering in this existence where I'm just waiting to not exist anyway and to me existing really is just waiting to die. It's just suffering all for the sake of it with no limit as to how much agony one can feel and I'd just never wish for any of this, I wish I could erase my existence so it's like I never suffered instead, I really was never meant to suffer in this existence and I find it painful to simply exist, it's horrific to me how a human can suffer for so long just to be tortured by old age.