At what age did you want to CTB for the first time? What happened to you?

[venin]

I'll start

I wanted to CTB for the first time when I was 25. The reason is I grew up in a narcisstic family and eventually the abuse got to me. Coupled with the fact that I didn't know who I was, didn't know my needs and obviously neglecting them, I obviously broke at some point. It was just a matter of time.
(Back then I didn't know all those things. I was still chained by their manipulation, gaslighting etc.)

How about you? I would love to hear your story

 

[yellowroses]

It started for me around 7, began as a morbid fascination with death and what comes after, then as a teen when my mental health issues set in it really cemented the idea for me.

 

[Darkover]

at 18 after a two and half year relationship break up and realizing nobody truly cares for anyone

 

[アホペンギン]

I wanted to ctb at 8 although i have been fascinated by the idea of death for many years beforehand, just too naive to know that people are capable of doing it to themselves. At the age of 8, my father pulled me out of school, along with my 3 siblings because in his opinion, the school system wasn't good enough to do us any good. He pushed us a lot harder than what we were used to, at school. Made us do 8th grade math when we were only in 3rd grade and the same applied for all the other subjects. Granted, i did become a lot smarter than i have previously been but he ruined my mental health in the process. He saw that i wasn't as sensitive as my siblings so when we'd make a mistake he'd direct all the yelling towards me, abused me physically too. His abuse really got to me over the years, he convinced me that i would never amount to anything and now i know its the truth.

 

[venin]

It started for me around 7, began as a morbid fascination with death and what comes after, then as a teen when my mental health issues set in it really cemented the idea for me.

Sad to hear that you wanted to so early

 

[cheese.out]

At 11 I always thought about what happens after death and I also thought about existence itself and how meaningless it is. I can remember how I had a feeling of relief after I thought I could kill myself. Many depressive episodes and many rejections later I had my first attempt at 19. I just felt like nobody would even care and that I can free myself from all the bs.

For few months I feel normal/good but then all shit breaks loose and those episodes can range from a few weeks to a year. Over the years the episodes became longer and worse and the one Im in right now is defenitely the worst. My first attempt was very impulsive but for the first time now Im really planning it and feel like that I dont care anymore. Let alone the drugs Im taking rn

 

[FeyB]

8yrs old, couldn't handle the bullying perpreted against me by peers bc of autism (although I didn't know i was autistic atht he time) and the difficulties within my family

 

[venin]

I wanted to ctb at 8 although i have been fascinated by the idea of death for many years beforehand, just too naive to know that people are capable of doing it to themselves. At the age of 8, my father pulled me out of school, along with my 3 siblings because in his opinion, the school system wasn't good enough to do us any good. He pushed us a lot harder than what we were used to, at school. Made us do 8th grade math when we were only in 3rd grade and the same applied for all the other subjects. Granted, i did become a lot smarter than i have previously been but he ruined my mental health in the process. He saw that i wasn't as sensitive as my siblings so when we'd make a mistake he'd direct all the yelling towards me, abused me physically too. His abuse really got to me over the years, he convinced me that i would never amount to anything and now i know its the truth.

Sorry to hear that. My father was also really mean to me, abusive phisically, mentally, emotionally. I did become smarter, like you said, because he was so tough and a perfectionist but it's kinda useless since I don't have peace, self-esteem, mental health, healthy relationships and so on.

About your CTB intention at 8: I did not want to CTB then, I wanted to kill him, literally.
I would always tell him "wait until I grow up and beat you like you beat me now".
He was such a sadistic fucking monster…

 

[アホペンギン]

About your CTB intention at 8: I did not want to CTB then, I wanted to kill him, literally.
I would always tell him "wait until I grow up and beat you like you beat me now".
He was such a sadistic fucking monster…

He was that bad that you wanted to kill him!? Wow.. I can't believe the society allows people like this to have kids. If my children wanted to kill me then i would feel terrible about it.

 

[venin]

At 11 I always thought about what happens after death and I also thought about existence itself and how meaningless it is. I can remember how I had a feeling of relief after I thought I could kill myself. Many depressive episodes and many rejections later I had my first attempt at 19. I just felt like nobody would even care and that I can free myself from all the bs.

For few months I feel normal/good but then all shit breaks loose and those episodes can range from a few weeks to a year. Over the years the episodes became longer and worse and the one Im in right now is defenitely the worst. My first attempt was very impulsive but for the first time now Im really planning it and feel like that I dont care anymore. Let alone the drugs Im taking rn

It's kind of a big thing to be that deep at such an early age but it's also enormously sad…

My episodes also have gotten worse over the years. Now I'm more used to these kinds of things, but it's still not liveable. This is not what I signed up for

Are you on meds?

He was that bad that you wanted to kill him!? Wow.. I can't believe the society allows people like this to have kids. If my children wanted to kill me then i would feel terrible about it.

Yup… imagine that
But he didn't know back then. I told him some years ago that he was so mean to me that I wanted to do that and you know what he answered?

"Well why didn't you do it then?" Arrogantly

I use to tell people that the nazis had more mercy and humanity with the jews then he did with me. No BS

 

[FuneralCry]

I've never really wished to exist and I've always found comfort in the thought of eternal nothingness and this lead to me eventually thinking about suicide. My wish to die is just a logical response to being aware of how existing truly is so dreadful, futile and unappealing. Existence is the ultimate cause of all suffering after all, and having the ability to exist was never something desirable in the first place, I could never wish to decay from age and suffer in the process, I see it as always being preferable to not-exist.

 

[irie]

11, i actually started trying to ctb at 12 but i really didn't know what i was doing at that age so i don't really count that. it really is a shame that things have to get that bad so early, and i'm really sorry to hear you had to go through that, it sounds miserable

 

[venin]

11, i actually started trying to ctb at 12 but i really didn't know what i was doing at that age so i don't really count that. it really is a shame that things have to get that bad so early, and i'm really sorry to hear you had to go through that, it sounds miserable

As much as I think life can be a miracle sometimes, it can also be a nasty, cruel, unfair whore. Its cruelty doesn't cease to amaze me day by day.

 

[Kall]

I tried to hang myself when I was 9, I was unwanted by my family (my divorced parents argued to get rid of me), my brother and cousins bullied me and I had no friends at school

 

[Forever Sleep]

By age 10, there had been 3 deaths in my close family. But, what really did it for me initially was living with someone I feel sure was/is a narcissist. It was really that that made me want to end it. Those thoughts never really went away after that. The reasoning is different now but I think- as soon as suicide becomes an option in your own mind- it's always kind of there to return to.

 

[venin]

I tried to hang myself when I was 9, I was unwanted by my family (my divorced parents argued to get rid of me), my brother and cousins bullied me and I had no friends at school

That sounds terrible… I'm sorry you had to go through that

 

[Orbitc]

He was that bad that you wanted to kill him!? Wow.. I can't believe the society allows people like this to have kids. If my children wanted to kill me then i would feel terrible about it.

According to my observations, most have children and animals precisely in order to mock them and feel at least some kind of power.

 

[venin]

By age 10, there had been 3 deaths in my close family. But, what really did it for me initially was living with someone I feel sure was/is a narcissist. It was really that that made me want to end it. Those thoughts never really went away after that. The reasoning is different now but I think- as soon as suicide becomes an option in your own mind- it's always kind of there to return to.

Well stated. Really sorry you went through such painful events

According to my observations, most have children and animals precisely in order to mock them and feel at least some kind of power.

Probably true

 

[アホペンギン]

According to my observations, most have children and animals precisely in order to mock them and feel at least some kind of power.

Yeah, unfortunately lots of people are like this. And of course, the children and pets are powerless so they can't defend themselves.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Well stated. Really sorry you went through such painful events

Thank you. You too. I think there are many people who are here largely because of narcissistic abuse. When did you find out about it? That it was likely narcissistic abuse? For me, it was many many years later but it was such a relief to see all those crazy behaviours described. Was it the same for you? Not that it can erase any of it of course but, I don't know- it just helped to have a name for it in a way. Was that your experience? Have you managed to break away from your family, or, do you still keep in touch?

 

[venin]

Yeah, unfortunately lots of people are like this.

There was a phrase I saw on an instagram page regarding narcissistic parents:

"Narcissistic parents don't have children, they have slaves."

 

[アホペンギン]

There was a phrase I saw on an instagram page regarding narcissistic parents:

"Narcissistic parents don't have children, they have slaves."

Thats a very powerful phrase. It represents narcissistic people who choose to have kids very well.

 

[venin]

Thank you. You too. I think there are many people who are here largely because of narcissistic abuse. When did you find out about it? That it was likely narcissistic abuse? For me, it was many many years later but it was such a relief to see all those crazy behaviours described. Was it the same for you? Not that it can erase any of it of course but, I don't know- it just helped to have a name for it in a way. Was that your experience? Have you managed to break away from your family, or, do you still keep in touch?

For sure there are. I read a lot of books on depression, trauma, etc. and in one of them the author described a malignant narcissist and I was like "fuck, this is my dad". Then I discovered that the whole extended family, more or less were narcissists. At first I was afraid, tbh, but yeah, it was an enormous relief to be able to name it and understand why I was feeling so low, anxious etc.

I am free from them but it's a bit too late…
The trauma is just ridiculously big and deep, hence SaSu…

How was your experience?

Btw, I found out at 29 yo… because I never thought looking their way. I was blaming myself for everything.

Thats a very powerful phrase. It represents narcissistic people who choose to have kids very well.

It sure does

 

[Forever Sleep]

For sure there are. I read a lot of books on depression, trauma, etc. and in one of them the author described a malignant narcissist and I was like "fuck, this is my dad". Then I discovered that the whole extended family, more or less were narcissists. At first I was afraid, tbh, but yeah, it was an enormous relief to be able to name it and understand why I was feeling so low, anxious etc.

I am free from them but it's a bit too late…
The trauma is just ridiculously big and deep, hence SaSu…

How was your experience?

Btw, I found out at 29 yo… because I never thought looking their way. I was blaming myself for everything.

It sure does

Yeah- similar to you- at the time of it going on, I was just utterly bewildered and frightened to be honest. I wasn't sure what this person was going to accuse me of or do next.

It was actually watching a YouTube channel that I first learnt about it. I think it was 'Live Abuse Free' or, 'The Crappy Childhood Fairy'. I recommend them both to people who have had difficult childhoods. It was years and years after though. I think I was in my 30's. It was really an epiphany moment though. It was always obvious that this person thought an awful lot of themselves but to see all the other behaviour described as well- I was actually relieved because- it finally had a name. Not like it will ever be anything official but to me, it's enough. I think you're right though- as children, we simply don't understand what's going on, so we tend to think it must have something to do with us.

 

[FindingHome]

I first thought about killing myself in middle school where I would go in the bathroom and cry and try and strangle myself. Something in middle school years happened to me that I rather not talk about. In 2020 for the first time I wanted to CTB and death no longer scared me. Since 2020 I have been trying to kill myself. I want to kill myself for many reasons but something happened to me for many years that pushed me over the edge. Before 2020 I had some attempts. What happened to me in life was not OK and it is something I and only "GOD" knows if "GOD" exists. I also have so much trauma in my life and living with flashbacks and emotional flashbacks is unbearable. Reliving what I went through over and over I am ready for a bullet to my head.

 

[tobby rabbit]

From 11 or 12, don't remember.
The reason was probably that I started to understand the world and some problems that I didn't see as a kid

 

[FailerQt.]

Don't remember the exact age, but the first thought occurred when I was still in elementary school. Because of bullying. Didn't think about directly CTBing, but had thoughts like "what if I suddenly disappeared?", "Would they start feeling guilty?" And so on

 

[rougarou]

i was between 8-9ish. i started wanting to die before then but this was the first time i had done anything about it. i took like 10 advil thinking that was enough to OD, and ended up telling my school nurse. we ended up in family counseling, i saw a psychiatrist (this marked the beginning of my journey in the MH system), but nothing has ever stuck, as you might guess by my being here now.

 

[nofunclub]

I first had ideation when I was 14… I just felt very hopeless due to being queer in a Catholic household/school. I had also experienced my first breakup, which felt very intense at the time lol. But the more serious crises began when I was 18 after I was raped, and over the years as a result of C-PTSD due to other bad things that happened after that/related to that.

 

[venin]

Yeah- similar to you- at the time of it going on, I was just utterly bewildered and frightened to be honest. I wasn't sure what this person was going to accuse me of or do next.

It was actually watching a YouTube channel that I first learnt about it. I think it was 'Live Abuse Free' or, 'The Crappy Childhood Fairy'. I recommend them both to people who have had difficult childhoods. It was years and years after though. I think I was in my 30's. It was really an epiphany moment though. It was always obvious that this person thought an awful lot of themselves but to see all the other behaviour described as well- I was actually relieved because- it finally had a name. Not like it will ever be anything official but to me, it's enough. I think you're right though- as children, we simply don't understand what's going on, so we tend to think it must have something to do with us.

Sadly, yes

I first thought about killing myself in middle school where I would go in the bathroom and cry and try and strangle myself. Something in middle school years happened to me that I rather not talk about. In 2020 for the first time I wanted to CTB and death no longer scared me. Since 2020 I have been trying to kill myself. I want to kill myself for many reasons but something happened to me for many years that pushed me over the edge. Before 2020 I had some attempts. What happened to me in life was not OK and it is something I and only "GOD" knows if "GOD" exists. I also have so much trauma in my life and living with flashbacks and emotional flashbacks is unbearable. Reliving what I went through over and over I am ready for a bullet to my head.

I feel you… I feel the same way sometimes

Don't remember the exact age, but the first thought occurred when I was still in elementary school. Because of bullying. Didn't think about directly CTBing, but had thoughts like "what if I suddenly disappeared?", "Would they start feeling guilty?" And so on

Bulying is so crushing yet it's omnipresent in schools…

i was between 8-9ish. i started wanting to die before then but this was the first time i had done anything about it. i took like 10 advil thinking that was enough to OD, and ended up telling my school nurse. we ended up in family counseling, i saw a psychiatrist (this marked the beginning of my journey in the MH system), but nothing has ever stuck, as you might guess by my being here now.

Sorry to hear that… life can be really fckd up

I first had ideation when I was 14… I just felt very hopeless due to being queer in a Catholic household/school. I had also experienced my first breakup, which felt very intense at the time lol. But the more serious crises began when I was 18 after I was raped, and over the years as a result of C-PTSD due to other bad things that happened after that/related to that.

I'm sorry you experienced these things
Seems desolating…