Discussion At what age did you have your first genuine suicidal thought?

[evannave]

How old were you when you had your first genuine thought to CTB? Did you act on it? Were there outside factors, such as parents, bullying, etc...?

For me, I was around 8 years old. I thought about tying a makeshift noose with an Apple Macbook charger. My mom was an alcoholic and my parents were constantly fighting. I was bullied just because I never was really able to excel at sports like my classmates. All the pressure on such a young mind can be so hard.

 

[FadingDawn]

about 10 or 12 for me; and it only got worse with age tbh

 

[sweaty sock]

I think I was younger than 5, I remember keeping a knife under my pillow when I slept- thrn when I woke up from, my nightmare to my dad hurting my mum I just decided I was too scared to go help her and thought I'd do the family a favour.

Unfortunately multiple psych ward stays later I'm still here and drugged, but tonight is my special night!

 

[evannave]

I think I was younger than 5, I remember keeping a knife under my pillow when I slept- thrn when I woke up from, my nightmare to my dad hurting my mum I just decided I was too scared to go help her and thought I'd do the family a favour.

Unfortunately multiple psych ward stays later I'm still here and drugged, but tonight is my special night!

What are you planning to do?

 

[Placo]

16 years old but it lasted me a few hours, at 17 years old in a serious way.

 

[Yuina]

I think I was 13. I don't remember what my plan was or if I was going to act on it. It didn't become consistent for me until I was around 14-15.

 

[Neowise]

The first time I talked about killing myself was at the age of 8 or 9. Though, I didn't have a plan and I might not have meant it 100% seriously.
Not sure when my first serious thoughts came, perhaps at the age of 14? 18? Difficult to say, because what was serious to me 3 years ago is a joke compared to my thoughts today The scale bar constantly shifts.

 

[real human being]

suicidal thought? probably around 13. depression? basically always had it i think.

 

[sweaty sock]

What are you planning to do?

I'm going to hang myself tonight.

Please don't let me influence you though,

 

[Forever Sleep]

Aged 10 because of growing up with a (suspected) narcissist and mourning close family members who had died. My main idea was jumping, although all the buildings I thought about would have been too low and inaccessible. As I grew up, I considered slashing wrists and a paracetamol overdose. Lucky I didn't ever attempt. I don't think any of my ideas would have worked.

 

[derpyderpins]

12. I wasn't being bullied. I was the bully. (I did make amends and we were cool in high school, but I still feel just awful inside, and always will. It was nothing extreme, mostly just saying mean stuff, but that doesn't excuse it.) I was desperate to fit in, and I felt so much pressure and anxiety at home. I was terrified of not being invited to things or "cool" because of how my mom would react, so I tried to get attention by being a dick, but I was equally terrified when I was about to get in trouble for my behavior. I pushed out the screen of my window, which was three stories up, and I sat on the ledge looking down at concrete, thinking about how to land on my head like diving into the pool. I prayed to god to forgive me, because I believed then, and inevitably I was too afraid of going to hell to jump.

I guess it's good that I still feel like shit about myself. I probably earned a lifetime of it.

 

[Darkover]

at 18 years old after a 2 and half year of a relationship breakup, the thought that nobody would ever love me came true not had a relationship for 20 years now

 

[FuneralCry]

I know that ever since I was aware of what death was it comforted me and was all I wished for, my wish to die has always been a result of becoming aware of how truly undesirable existence is, I wish I never existed more than anything.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

First genuine suicidal thoughts - that was in early 40's when it was clear that I failed big in life, a too big failure and a recovery is most likely impossible. I decided for a method shortly (CO with charcoal) but not immediate actions that leaded to an attempt.

 

[willitpass]

I was 10. I'd been depressed for a year already. I'd also had serious anger issues and trauma before then that lead up to it. My first near attempt came at 12, then by 13 I had my first attempt. I had no childhood.

 

[markimobzzdeasui]

Somewhere around 14-15 and it has never stopped since then. I am 31 now.

 

[arnxxx]

I thought about it not too seriously when I was a teen. I had dark periods but that was nothing compared to what Im dealing with right now. Since a few months I have serious thoughts. The hopelessness of my situation makes me think of it more often.

 

[Abyssal]

Passively suicidal for a while, but I had my first real attempt was at 11 or 12. I don't feel like doing the math.

 

[thenamingofcats]

I think around preschool I started to feel like I didn't want to exist anymore. I don't remember when I learned about suicide.

 

[cupcakesandmilk]

At 17, I wanted to stab my wrists with a geometry compass; didn't go through with that and settled for self-harm instead. I have no clear idea about what exactly it was that caused me to have those thoughts. I guess I was probably just meant to be this way from the start...

 

[333s]

i was sent to school council at 12 for my sh and death related drawings in sketchbook that i forget in class
when my schoolmates asked what's wrong i genuinely told them that im planning to ctb in my twenties lol
and they two just clinged to me from both sides and started telling me that i have a lot to do in life and this decision isn't really right… i do think that it was sweet for them to try to support me bc my mom would throw a tantrum for example
so i started to think about it in like middle school but not seriously looking for methods just being suicidal and wanting to die+ engaging in risky (as i thought) behaviors (should i consider an attempt drinking monster with a half pack of escitalopram if i honestly thought that i was going to die from that? sometimes i think i was pretty stupid for a 14 y o lol)

 

[sadlyexisting]

First genuine thought at about 11-12, but my first not serious suicidal thought was at the age of 8. I've been fantasising and thinking about death since I can remember though

 

[KillingPain267]

When I was 14 my classmates said I was quite ugly at a birthday sleepover, so when I was home again, and my parents went out, I took a big knife while crying and wanted to slice my throat open (but of course I couldn't get myself to do it).

 

[Codename_Joryu]

12, it's been like this for over 7 years

 

[mtoro998]

21 after a break up but everything became manageable again until 36.

 

[BlockHammer]

22, seeing how worthless i'm while my other friend has achieve so much (meanwhile im here still strugling to find a decent job) and also the pressure i got for being an umeployee makes my urge to ctb growing stronger and stronger

 

[Mattt_K]

I first started to think about death and what it would be like to die at the age of 10 when relatives were in a horrific car accident, leaving behind one sole survivor. I don't know if I really thought of suicide as yet, but by the time I was 12 I was quite obsessed with it. I had already written my note and was just looking for a way to get it done with a guaranteed successful outcome.

 

[ringo99]

25. It was also the year I was stupid enough to confide in my family about my feelings. Never again

 

[AsTheWorldCaves]

9. I was bullied as a child, and home life was difficult. I remember looking in the medicine cabinet and knowing that it was possible to overdose on pills, but I didn't know which ones or how many, so I just kinda resigned myself to living. Serious thoughts of suicide didn't return until early adulthood.

 

[sleep4eternity]

I was 6 or 7