Venting At least I can say I tried the "correct" way

[SoulCage]

I feel so much anger inside me right now. 1 year ago I knew exactly that this will be the outcome of "seeking professional help".
But you know
...
I tried it anyway, because everyone kept insisting that this is the correct way. It is what everyone is trained to think that it works, maybe because it actually helps in certain cases. I tried it, because I wanted the people in my life to know that I tried the official methods that are studied and practiced. That they can't use the excuse "yea, but she just kept rejecting all the help, so no wonder she is miserable". And most importantly... That they don't blame themselves when I am gone.

So what did the professionals try to "help" me?
I started in September last year, made an appointment with a psychiatrist.
One month I had to wait for the appointment.
She cancelled it, because >she (not me) fell ill, a cold or something. She had to reschedule and I waited another month ... This doctor did not try to make room in her calender to see me earlier, although she knew exactly about my current condition. That I was suffering, that I couldn't sleep, that I couldn't be productive for society (and therefore threatening my income, my existence). In the meantime I had to quit the job that I just got, because I couldn't take it anymore, I was too tired, I felt sick just thinking about this job, I was close to an attempt, but my last sane brain cells, told me to stop this job and to wait for the psychiatrist, because that's what everyone keeps telling me that it will help.
So I waited...
And then I met this doctor...
The whole conversation with her was one of the worst experiences in my life. I told her about my fears and my sleep deprivation, my suicidal ideation, because I can't find a job, a community where I like existence... She just did the good old guilt-tripping, making me "think about the people in my life, I can't do this to them". There were also some other talking points that were completely upsetting. I have told this story in one of my other vents, tl;dr she gave me Venlafaxin and Mirtazapin and after the second appointment I cut her out of my life and moved on to another doctor...
The second doctor I met 5 months after I first started my "get help" journey and she was nice and understanding, she wanted to run more tests, checking if the med dosage is okay. At this point I already talked about my increased drowsiness from the meds and that I started to have other issues like, high heart rate and pressure on my chest...
But she only took notes of it, told me to try some antihistamines and that's it.
The antihistamines didn't work at all, still had the issues.
In the meantime I also managed to get accepted for an outpatient psychiatric program, where I will see a doctor and therapist each week. I told them both that I keep having this issues, even suggesting that the medication might need changing. But they took notes... And didn't change at all.
When the program ended, I received a letter of the summary of my stay. All I said was not included, instead they focused on a few things were I took initiative, basically highlighting my "improvement". The whole letter read like it was meant to make sure that the insurance gets justification for paying this program, that the therapies are worth the money. Disgusting.
The only thing I liked about this program was the interaction with a group of people who were also struggling.

...Anyway it was necessary to tell some details of the story, because I feel like I have to highlight the fact that I kept telling so many "professionals" about my current condition, but they kept ignoring me. And I continued to follow their instructions, because that's what I promised everyone to do.
But lately.. my body is even worse off than usual. Extreme tiredness, extreme chest pain.
And I have 0 motivation to talk to a wall again. So I decided I reduce the amount of Mirtazapin (btw, my doctor wanted to increase it) and guess what... The symptoms are gone.

I am really angry at the fact that I spent so much money on everything and angry at myself for believing in this bullshit (like "why did I fall for this", because already knew that it will go wrong). But at the same time I feel relieved. Because, as I said, nobody is allowed to tell me that I didn't try the "right" way.

It felt good to vent my anger, I don't expect any replies. I kinda just wanted to create a snapshot of my current "recovery Journey". I no longer think that medical assistance can solve my depression/anger that I feel for life and society. I can't and don't want to change how I think about the world. I am disgusted by the reality that we created for ourselves. All the systems that we integrated into society, that solve one problem but create another. Enjoying the cope while creating the reason why we need cope in the first place. exploiting each other just to satisfy each other. I was trained to not lie, but to accept being alive, to fulfill my needs, I have to constantly lie to myself. bit it feels wrong, it's a rule I have to break, it makes me feel like it's not correct, because I was trained the incorrect things bring harm.
what the actual fuck.
Maybe we should teach our kids to lie or to let them know that breaking rules gives benefits, because this way
...
They won't have this rejection within themselves when realizing the true reasons behind our suffering.


I posted this in recovery, because it is all about my recovery attempt, but honestly... I don't know how much longer I want to exist like this.
I am still working as well on my exit plan, lately less so because of the extreme body issues. Today I woke up early and just had to fucking write this all down. Also making sure that I copy it to my private journal that can be read by the people i will hurt. Letting them know that they couldn't have saved me.

Thanks for reading. I am still alive, because my cope is currently very effective. I have all these health issues, but i don't have to fear losing my means to sleep/eat/shit in the near future.
I will see you again in another post soon.

 

[Moniker]

I'm frequently finding myself at the edge of plunging into therapy. Similar thought process as you. I'm gonna die anyway, so I've got nothing to lose by trying it. You really summed up why I don't see a reason to waste my time on it. Never been medicated myself, but I've worried about experiencing stuff you talked about.

There's always been this nasty feeling I get from mental healthcare professionals. Not just therapy, but even the stuff they put on websites and their handbooks. I'm having trouble putting it to words, but the best way for me to describe it would be that it all feels really arrogant. It's lots of "here's how to properly think" or "here's how to feel emotions correctly". It's particularly annoying to talk about this stuff with some folks, because it suddenly shifts from "therapy hasn't helped me" to "you must have had a bad therapist!"

The whole thing you wrote about how the world disgusts you made me want to write a response. It's beat-for-beat identical to how I feel. It's irritating to be told how unhealthy my thought process is solely because it's a gloomy view of the world.

 

[SoulCage]

because it suddenly shifts from "therapy hasn't helped me" to "you must have had a bad therapist!"

Yea... Exactly.
It's strange to tell people the reasons for my mood, the reasons why I can't just cope like everyone else. They always say something along the lines of "not the right therapy" or "you are just looking at negative stuff". It's strange, because it seems like my body, my experience of pain and exhaustion, is something I should have total control over, according to this "advice". But it never works out and I believe I gave it an honest try. It feels like a direct punch in my face whenever I hear it.

 

[FishRain3469]

Pretty much same for me but I haven't tried " everything ". Went through 2 IOP programs in 2017 / 2024. They helped Somewhat, to a degree. But soon after I found myself back at fckn square 1. Like... Wtf.. I can't deal with this shit Anymore, I'm Done.

Thanks for posting this, I wish you the best in whatever may happen. ♥

 

[Beavisandbutthead]

I wish you the best. I actually tried everything. More than 12 years of psychiatric treatment. Thousands of medicines which made me gain weight and shaky fingers. Hours and hours of therapy. Also occupational therapy. I get tired easily. Currently feeling dizzy. But yeah sorry that you are going through this. But after all that I'm feeling slightly better

 

[SoulCage]

Today, I need to vent again.

I finally managed to get my medication under control.
As I said, I decided to reduce it myself, because doctors kept ignoring what I said during appointments. The transition period was harsh, because I also suffered from reduction (or more like discontinuation) effects. But they were much easier to endure than what I felt before. Now I feel better, but more emotional again. I am crying every night.

On top of that I decided to continue with the new therapist. And today something stood out in our discussion. we were talking about me worrying about possible negative outcomes + thinking about how to prevent or how to reduce the pain. She asked me "have you ever actually used the solutions that you created in your imagined scenarios." Yes. A thousand times yes. The whole human existence is based on preventing danger or finding solutions for survival. But I couldn't come up with a specific experience from my life, and my mind was stuck in overload. Couldn't even properly tell her what this question did to me. Now I know that I was again paralyzed by rage, because she asked something that was so stupid and as if she doesn't actually understands me. i then found one example about job interviews where I always have to prepare for stupid questions like "what's your biggest weakness" and then have to lie to secure a job. preparation is everything.
It's a question I heard so many times from different therapists and everytime I feel angry that it doesn't make any sense

Today I was speaking to another member about my recovery project. And they (and I am very thankful!) pointed out something that I have not yet worried about. But I should have because I could be responsible for someone feeling uncomfortable or even causing serious harm. Worrying makes sense to protect oneself and others. I am always scared to be the cause for someone else's suffering.i know what it's like to suffer because of another human and I simply can't live with the fact that something I created is doing something. I have no choice but to participate in the system and try to minimize my participation. But being the system makes me so fucking depressed.
So yeah if I really want to continue that then I have to fucking worry more, hopefully finding more good people who help me to point out the issues and give productive feedback.

Why do I want to capture this moment?
Because I am so damn frustrated by therapists and the society. Telling me to worry less and at the same time worry more. I hate this existence so much.
I really think I should try to attempt once. See what it does to me. If my SI would try to save me. I have found Sasu 2 years ago. I joined as a member 4-5 months later. I have been working on my exit plan ever since. I know what I have to do in order to convince myself that it is okay to let go. I am almost finished.

I just want it to be over. I am sick of finding a place where I fit. I am sick of people telling me to be myself and at the same time to change everything about me.
Please body, I beg you... Just fucking stop working, just let me sleep. You hate this, I hate this... Why the fuck so you want to continue. Stupid software. Should have been deleted a long time ago.

 

[Abyss Dweller]

Whatever happens I think I'll die on the hill of telling people to at least give therapy a try. Might have not worked for you or me but have worked for others. Worth a shot.

My experience is different in a way is that all the mental health care professionals that I've met so far were very kind, nice people. But I'm just not sure if they can help me. I've been on a few meds thus far and honestly I'm not sure what they are supposed to do at this point. Because all they ever did was make me sleepy for a while that I got used to them and then nothing.

And yeah same problem with the therapist and the therapy method. "Just a different method or therapist". Okay but for how long do I have to keep up this charade?

 

[SoulCage]

Another month has passed and it feels like I just woke up from another, completely different nightmare.
Another bad memory has been added to my subconscious - training my anxiety - make it even harder to decide on future recovery plans.

So.. in June/July, I had major issues with my nervous system and chest pains, which turned out to get better (but not completely gone) once I started to reduce the medication. I did that myself, because doctors kept ignoring my condition and I had to figure it out myself.
It's better now, but some days my chest still feels like exploding. But whatever, I can ignore for it now, because...
This month, September, I started the next step in my stupid recovery plan: apply for the job at the work-rehab project.
While I was (voluntarily) staying at a mental health clinic, I was not only receiving therapy, but also was shown possible places to go after I get discharged. This rehab project is for mentally ill people - to earn money in a low pressure environment. It took me a lot of courage and 3 months of therapy to make the call to the organisation and apply for it. It really was not easy for me, because I was thinking about all the different situations that might make existence unbearable again. But I still told myself "you gotta try it - at least (for my survival instinct to go away, because there is no hope left).
This week was my first week working there and it wasn't the best, but also not the worst.
But today something really funny happened :)
My manager returned from a meeting and straight up said: out country's government decided that they no longer want to support this project with funds and... They have to close it.
What the fuck.
This can't be real.
I was in tears, but also calm. Because I also felt like my hopelessness was finally justified. That I finally have the best argument for all those fucking sellers of hope.
"We live in a society that has not the capacity to help the sick." There is no reason to help us, because we are just trash that is not even allowed to die when we want to. They preach suicide prevention, but at the same time kill the projects that helps people.
Right now I am just stun-locked by what just happened. I feel like I want to just distract myself with games and alcohol. And then just scream at the people who still try to sell me hope. I am so fucking sick of it. It just repeats over and over again and it just gets worse and worse.
Economy is on a downward spiral, everything gets more expensive, everybody is stressed or depressed. This isn't living. This isn't worth procreating.
On SaSu I read that many people come to the same conclusion, but outside... Most People are just fine with everything? Otherwise society would have already collapsed completely.
My boyfriend too. He has a job he kinda likes, but it's also not the most "secure" Job. One bad year and he might lose it. I am mentioning my boyfriend, because lately he has been extremely supportive. Last year he almost left me and today he asked me again if we want to marry. And because of that I struggle even harder to convince myself that I actually don't want to exist in this world where I can't earn any money without going insane from work stress and exhaustion. He (and my almost gone savings) are the only reason I am not homeless or starve. That I have internet access and can vent here. But I feel like a fucking parasite, because I am unable to support myself. And whenever I try to earn money (or go on work-rehab) then something happens and it's gone.
I Don't want to hurt him, I don't want him to suffer. But I also don't want to suffer. What should I do?? I really hate that he loves me. He doesn't deserve me. He deserves someone stable, normal, a positive pro-lifer, someone resilient, someone with a normal family.

I Can't even discuss this with my therapist, because exactly this week she went on vacation for 3 weeks.. hahahaha

THis past year really was full of nightmare situations and I can't believe this all happened. Can't even tell the difference between life and my nightmares during sleep. They both seem so unreal. I don't even know what's true anymore. Not even know if I actually exist.

Not really asking for advice or "sorry you had to go through this". I just wanted to capture this moment for future me who needs the evidence to CTB.

 

[EternalShore]

Another month has passed and it feels like I just woke up from another, completely different nightmare.
Another bad memory has been added to my subconscious - training my anxiety - make it even harder to decide on future recovery plans.

So.. in June/July, I had major issues with my nervous system and chest pains, which turned out to get better (but not completely gone) once I started to reduce the medication. I did that myself, because doctors kept ignoring my condition and I had to figure it out myself.
It's better now, but some days my chest still feels like exploding. But whatever, I can ignore for it now, because...
This month, September, I started the next step in my stupid recovery plan: apply for the job at the work-rehab project.
While I was (voluntarily) staying at a mental health clinic, I was not only receiving therapy, but also was shown possible places to go after I get discharged. This rehab project is for mentally ill people - to earn money in a low pressure environment. It took me a lot of courage and 3 months of therapy to make the call to the organisation and apply for it. It really was not easy for me, because I was thinking about all the different situations that might make existence unbearable again. But I still told myself "you gotta try it - at least (for my survival instinct to go away, because there is no hope left).
This week was my first week working there and it wasn't the best, but also not the worst.
But today something really funny happened :)
My manager returned from a meeting and straight up said: out country's government decided that they no longer want to support this project with funds and... They have to close it.
What the fuck.
This can't be real.
I was in tears, but also calm. Because I also felt like my hopelessness was finally justified. That I finally have the best argument for all those fucking sellers of hope.
"We live in a society that has not the capacity to help the sick." There is no reason to help us, because we are just trash that is not even allowed to die when we want to. They preach suicide prevention, but at the same time kill the projects that helps people.
Right now I am just stun-locked by what just happened. I feel like I want to just distract myself with games and alcohol. And then just scream at the people who still try to sell me hope. I am so fucking sick of it. It just repeats over and over again and it just gets worse and worse.
Economy is on a downward spiral, everything gets more expensive, everybody is stressed or depressed. This isn't living. This isn't worth procreating.
On SaSu I read that many people come to the same conclusion, but outside... Most People are just fine with everything? Otherwise society would have already collapsed completely.
My boyfriend too. He has a job he kinda likes, but it's also not the most "secure" Job. One bad year and he might lose it. I am mentioning my boyfriend, because lately he has been extremely supportive. Last year he almost left me and today he asked me again if we want to marry. And because of that I struggle even harder to convince myself that I actually don't want to exist in this world where I can't earn any money without going insane from work stress and exhaustion. He (and my almost gone savings) are the only reason I am not homeless or starve. That I have internet access and can vent here. But I feel like a fucking parasite, because I am unable to support myself. And whenever I try to earn money (or go on work-rehab) then something happens and it's gone.
I Don't want to hurt him, I don't want him to suffer. But I also don't want to suffer. What should I do?? I really hate that he loves me. He doesn't deserve me. He deserves someone stable, normal, a positive pro-lifer, someone resilient, someone with a normal family.

I Can't even discuss this with my therapist, because exactly this week she went on vacation for 3 weeks.. hahahaha

THis past year really was full of nightmare situations and I can't believe this all happened. Can't even tell the difference between life and my nightmares during sleep. They both seem so unreal. I don't even know what's true anymore. Not even know if I actually exist.

Not really asking for advice or "sorry you had to go through this". I just wanted to capture this moment for future me who needs the evidence to CTB.

wow~ Your situation sounds awful~ D: All the support networks which are supposed to help you just keep going away~ >_< That's literally such awful luck! :((( but hey~ getting married sounds sooo nice~ >w< well, if you choose to! :3 Regardless of whether you deserve him or not, what he did tells you that he thinks you are the best in the world for him~ :) so he thinks he deserves you~ :) And also, he may deserve what you say, but I encourage you to become that for him~ :)