Are you trying/able to improve?

[Susannah]

I've been actively trying for the past 20 years. I've seen more GPs, paediatricians, neurologists, orthopaedic surgeons, psychologists, psychiatrists, nurses and social workers than I can count. I've been on antipsychotics, SSRIs, benzos, anticonvulsants and mood stabilizers. I've done both group therapy and one-on-one therapy. My bookshelf is full of self-help workbooks. I've been hospitalized. I've tried mindful breathing, sticking my face in a bucket of ice, taking warm baths, travelling, making new friends, going for hikes and learning new languages. I've gone back to university multiple times and switched careers at the flip of switch in attempt to find some sort of purpose for myself -- I'm now on disability. I've fucked random strangers, self-harmed, binged and purged until I thought my stomach was going to rupture, and drunk myself stupid in attempt to fill a void I know I never could.

I've been through the ringer in the mental health system because it seems that literally nobody knows what to do with me. I'm still actively getting professional help and trying to improve + take care of myself in my own time, but I honest-to-God feel like a ticking time bomb. I'm trying to hold on for dear life to anything that can possibly keep me afloat before I (inevitably) snap.

I'm just tired.

Respect. Your post actually made me smile (been there, done that). Thanks you.

 

[dunkelheit]

I merely exist in purgatory. For every step forward its two steps back. After these few years of being on and off from benzos, SSRIs and antipsychotics along with attempted admissions to psychiatric wards and seeing neurologists, GPs and psychiatrists I don't feel any hope. I only still see my psychiatrist because I feel like logging my thoughts and life so far might be of some help to others if I do happen to be gone at some point.

I exist for the sake of existing. There's no reason, there's no motivation and most of all there's no need to at this point.

 

[Volatile]

Everyday bro.

I go to the gym as often as I can. I read as much as I can. I've taken up new hobbies such as papercraft and programming. I volunteer once a week. I want to be the best possible me I can be.

You're back!

 

[Help_Me]

I always tried to avoid suicide and spent all these years making attempts to improve myself and fix my mind . I'm done with permanent failing..

 

[worldexploder]

I couldn't agree more, and I'm also 35 haha.

I also feel that I have had enough, I can't keep on fighting anymore.

I hear ya! I spent most of my life running away from my problems...then everytime I turned around and decided to fight them, they would beat my ass down. I hate running and I hate fighting. This boys getting wore out.

 

[bigj75]

well i started learning about personal development with tony robbins


then i learned about spirituality and fitness with helliot hulse channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/elliottsaidwhat/videos

then learn about the holy trinity
Mind
Body
Money

then the importance of setting s.m.a.r.t goals (long term , mid term ,short term ) and evaluate and adapt
brian tracy and stuff

then i learned how to be carefull with women, don't let them fuck up your life by marring the wrong one
https://www.youtube.com/user/EntrepreneursInCars/videos

started going to a therapist and Expressed myself
taking meds and see if they worked
started going to the gym
invest in my education

but then..i realise something, this only works for the younger crowd, 16-30, no matter how hard you try to change your life you still have to face the gatekeepers of society and after a certain age..you're pretty much fucked by society

Since i only accept living life in my own terms, if im not allowed to because of my age then ..fuck society, ill rather kill myself and put an end to my misery


This i why i go pro life on the younger crowd who spent their days masturbating into self-loathing, wishing to die ..yada yada yada
many without even trying to fix their problems

don't go to therapy
don't try meds and change them if not working
don't try ioga and other forms of relaxing
don't do physical exercise
don't set goals in life
etc etc etc

Personally you can find that even people with those things still get depressed because maintaining them can be even more stressful than just getting them in the first place.

For me when it comes to certain things I'm happy with just good health, friends, income and shelter being no brainers because I can't have my hobbies without them a sexual partner isn't something I care for it can lead to loads of crap and drama I don't want in my life.

I'm familiar with the pyramid and it makes so much sense to me.
I decided I would end my life of my own accord, whilst I was at the "top".
I got to the top of the pyramid, but life and everything in it still didn't mean much to me and everything felt numb. The car the house the GF, the social circle, the job, etc etc. I just don't care about it.
Right now I'm trying to find something to distract me from wanting to ctb. But if its still there in another 2/3yrs. Then it will be time to eat my shotty

If being at the top wasn't enough for you then by all means ctb. I'm not encouraging that you ctb but you took all the steps you possibly could to beat it and it still wasn't enough so I can't hold any type of criticism against you.

For me my physical and mental health was the main thing that kept me away from depression and wanting to ctb. But now since that's gone nothing else works. Ive been at the top aswell and it's not enough anymore. I'll be ctb'ing next week.

 

[2211264]

If being at the top wasn't enough for you then by all means ctb. I'm not encouraging that you ctb but you took all the steps you possibly could to beat it and it still wasn't enough so I can't hold any type of criticism against you.

For me my physical and mental health was the main thing that kept me away from depression and wanting to ctb. But now since that's gone nothing else works. Ive been at the top aswell and it's not enough anymore. I'll be ctb'ing next week.

Good luck Mate, I hope everything goes well for you

 

[TooLate2582]

I dont do anything I used to love to do.
I work...a lot.
I go to Doctors...doesnt help.
I take meds....doesnt help.
I check myself into hospitals....doesnt help.
I have risky sex...doesnt help.
I self harm....doesnt help.
I tell people who say they care that Im suicidal..doesnt help...they tell me to fuck off.
I sleep...a lot.
98% of the time I feel dead inside and bitter.

Heeeey, you're me!

 

[Gainax]

The thing is, suicide requires an extreme level of commitment, anyone who truly can to jump from a high building,jump into train, if that person is capable of that, than that person is capable of trying everything one last time before resorting to ctb.

what's jumping into a train compared to going to a therapist and take meds if you're depressed?
what's jumping from a high building compared to leaving home if have a alcoholic father and a careless mother?
what's blowing your head off with a shotgun compared to going to a gym if you are fat?
what's set yourself on fire compared to leaving school for another school or be home-schooled if you re being bullied at school?

commitment if everything,

if you really want to be happy...try at least one last time everything you can to be happy
if you really want to kill yourself ..just fucking do it, don't stand around here for several months bitching how unfair life is and how bad you're feeling and how much you want to die, just fucking do it.

its not about pro-life or pro-choice..its about commitment, going all the way.

 

[bigj75]

The thing is, suicide requires an extreme level of commitment, anyone who truly can to jump from a high building,jump into train, if that person is capable of that, than that person is capable of trying everything one last time before resorting to ctb.

that's what I did. I literally did everything to try to beat it. I took drugs, alcohol, steroids, therapy, relationships, sex, money, self improvement, better job, friends, religion, meditation, travel, food, studying psychology, etc. I'll admit a lot of it helped me cope but only for a certain amount of time. But I can completely say with a unimpaired rational mind state that ctb'ing from my situation is the best choice for me.

 

[Roph]

I gave up on trying ages ago. There's no chance things will get better.

 

[MAIO]

If you're here, it's because you've had, or are having, the notion to off yourself. That's a shitty, obvious truth.

Recently, I've found that these thoughts shouldn't be inherently negative. I feel you can have suicidal thoughts/tendencies without them being all-consuming. Wondering how many people here honor the choice, and are actively trying to help themselves, even if the thought to kick the bucket is always in the back of their mind.

Diet, exercise, hygiene, therapy, meditation, medication, companionship, art, yoga, bird watching, interpretive dance or whatever the fuck you like - is there anything YOU do to try and alleviate pressure, that isn't self-destructive?

There's a lot of cyclical discussions here. Most feel trapped, some truly are, but I believe to some extent, some people don't give themselves a chance.

Let me be clear: I'm not settling up a pro-life discussion. I'm entirely pro-choice. I find a lot of solace in the choice to have a metaphorical trap door when shit is too much. I'm just genuinely curious to learn of people who are trying to crawl out of the fog; whether they are somewhat successful or not, or those that yearn to improve but feel truly, inescapably trapped.

Holla.

I have found no matter how hard I try to change I don't change at all. Evreything is to dictated by old hanbits old uncoisukness behavior. Ten years is just far too long. Their is also this notion that I am not even sure If life would be worth living if I accomplish evreythhing the way I want to be. Life seems to be very close to neutral which is where death should be.

 

[AveryConure]

I'm currently in therapy and trying meds. I honestly still don't have high hopes of therapy somehow working this time but I figured since my date got extended to who the hell knows I can at least say I tried before I bite the either proverbial or literal bullet.

 

[Goldie]

The thing is, suicide requires an extreme level of commitment, anyone who truly can to jump from a high building,jump into train, if that person is capable of that, than that person is capable of trying everything one last time before resorting to ctb.

what's jumping into a train compared to going to a therapist and take meds if you're depressed?
what's jumping from a high building compared to leaving home if have a alcoholic father and a careless mother?
what's blowing your head off with a shotgun compared to going to a gym if you are fat?
what's set yourself on fire compared to leaving school for another school or be home-schooled if you re being bullied at school?

commitment if everything,

if you really want to be happy...try at least one last time everything you can to be happy
if you really want to kill yourself ..just fucking do it, don't stand around here for several months bitching how unfair life is and how bad you're feeling and how much you want to die, just fucking do it.

its not about pro-life or pro-choice..its about commitment, going all the way.

Youre absolutely right, people should just do it. CTBing does take a lot of commitment, when the rope is around your head (figuratively or literally) it is really really hard to make that final step.

So dare I ask, why havent you ctb yet? How come you are still here?

 

[Gainax]

that's a good question, im planning to jump from a 70m bridge into water , it wont be easy but is 95% certain death, it will some take time to prepare myself , but i wont be here for much longer

if i do stay here bitching about my life and death for several months its a sign im not fully ready to ctb and should be looking at giving another chance at life

 

[Ghab]

Everyday bro.

I go to the gym as often as I can. I read as much as I can. I've taken up new hobbies such as papercraft and programming. I volunteer once a week. I want to be the best possible me I can be.

This is what I want to become before I ctb. This is what I want to be known as. You sir, are a fine human being, I wish you luck in whatever choice you make and sincerely hope you find peace.

 

[sadak_the_wanderer]

I don't believe in it. I don't think things are going to get better for me. I've been trying to swim upstream for decades now and at some point the effort seems foolish. I do not begrudge people their success or their happiness, but my self-deception has worn out: I just know that these things are out of reach for me.

 

[Zaynaldeen]

I just try to stay healthy because I feel good when I'm not fat or weak. I go to the gym once a week and do a whole lot of push ups at home, I barely eat junk food. That's it though, the rest of my life is a waste.

 

[Slayer]

No.

 

[Suicideisnirvana]

I don't have improvable problems, but shit genetics problems.i can't improve my face or my frequent urination problem by "working on it", i wish i had problems i could work on.

 

[tinted]

I am able to improve.But i will always become depressed and suicidal again if something in my life doesn't turn out the way i hope.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I'm never going to have love/belonging because of my skin disease that's why I got depressed and gave up in my teens now I'm hitting 30 soon and it's too late

 

[WadeingThru]

If you're here, it's because you've had, or are having, the notion to off yourself. That's a shitty, obvious truth.

Truth be told I have thought about what it would be like if I was no longer around. But I joined so I could interact with folks and maybe make a few folks laugh. I hope if I make someone smile they will give life one more day. I'm not prolife, it's never to late to abort. But does today have to be the day?

 

[Sherri]

Every single day, baby steps like I always write it, but still there are bad days but not as bad as it used to be but I'm on meds. But I do get out as much as I can, except for Sundays too many people out, I wish you the best in your recovery and that you are also alble to find a way to become better and cope with life and the bad days the best way you can, a big hug sweet soul.