Yes, I definitely am overthink it big time. I'm mostly worried about the peacefulness of the method I think I'm stuck w ith, which is SN, and also am terrified of the possibility of going to hell. I am definitely not the best person who ever walked the earth, and I am afraid of a possible "final judgment."
The other worry on my mind ifshow my partner and eldest child will cope if I CTB. My eldest daughter is five, and my whole family depend on me for financial support, having a home, clothing, diapers, etc. So I'm feeling slightly guilty about leaving, too.
I wish very much that I could take N, but I don't think I can afford it right now. And, I fear the whole illegality of having N sent to the U.S. from Mexico.
Even if I did manage to get N, I'd probably still find something to procrastinate about, lol!
I think what I'm going to have to do is wait until I have a mixed episode. I am bipolar, and when I'm mixed, which is basically when I'm depressed and dealing with disphoric mania, I'll finally have the courage to do it. I'm highly impulsive when I'm in a mixed state, and, although I'd like to CTB in a more organized and thought-out way, I'm not sure I have the capacity to do that.
I do plan to write notes for when and if I ever get the courage. I started writing a note a long time ago, but was too depressed to keep it up. I found it exhausting, writing a note.
It's rather reassuring to know that I'm not alone, but also I wish it could be easier for all of us.
People who say that people who CTB are cowards don't know jack shit!
Sending luck and courage vibes to all.
Cupcake
