I've given it a lot of thought over decades.
I realized the most karmically sane and reasonable thing to do was to leave a note that tells them (whoever close) that it's not their fault. Or rather, that my final wish is for them to forgive me, and forgive themselves.
That's all that can be done.
When I was very young, I thought about leaving angry notes blaming people. But it marks them internally for the rest of their life like a chain. It's great revenge when you're mad and dying. But then once you leave that body, the people left have to hold your short moment of being mad, until they die. And then sometimes they kill themselves too (because of it).
I blame many people for things that have happened. But I really won't in a suicide note.
I just want them to forgive me, and forgive themselves. What's done is done. It can't be changed.
Unless you want brutal revenge....I've seen a lot of videos of moms who lost their son or daughter 30 years ago and are never healing because the note said it was their fault.
I guess it depends on your situation. If the ones who you leave behind genuinely sexually assaulted you your whole life or something....then in that case I would probably let them know that this is what caused it.
It's tough. To decide whether to punish people forever, for decades, because all they have is that note. When they hurt, they go to the note. When they long for answers, they go to the note.
Some things are inexcusable, maybe, and they should hurt about it. Maybe.
But I learned in some sense that all humans make mistakes, go through trauma, and have no idea what they're doing in life. If they seem like they do, they're just pretty good at faking it well.
In an atheist sense, you can feel revenge now and right the note, but you'll be gone, your brain will be gone, so what does it matter? Maybe if the ones behind are terrible criminals, your note will make them think about their ways.
But if they are like everyone else.....just fucking up life imperfectly. And if they tried and cared but messed up. I don't think I would shackle them forever.
In a non-atheistic sense, I have to consider that maybe they deserve for their life to go forward without the trauma of a revenge-note or blame.
Hurting them for the rest of their life feels good for about 2 minutes before I CTB, but in the long-term, when I'm gone, unless they were truly a criminal and need to face that, it solves nothing. They were like everyone else, a silly human just trying to figure things out, and often failing.
So who am I to decide I get to punish them for the rest of their life? The suicide is enough. At least when they seek the note, it will tell them to forgive themselves. When they reread it again, it will tell them that things will eventually get better. It will tell them that I needed to do this, but they still deserve to live, without guilt. And that I hope that they do, because that's my dying wish. But it's still their choice. I just don't want them to hurt if it doesn't solve anything.
It feels good writing a brutal, blaming revenge note. If they deserve it. But it's all for two minutes of feeling good. Once you CTB you won't feel anything. Your body is gone. You don't exist anymore. If they truly weren't criminals, maybe they fucked a lot of things up.....but I don't know that it's my place to punish them forever.
The note is a huge deal. It's all they have. In a sense, you are writing out the future mental health of whoever reads it. Whether their next 10-60+ years on earth will feel guilty and horrid, or whether they will have a chance at moving on.
JMT. It's a powerful piece of paper.
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