FreeMe
Member
- Feb 18, 2021
- 12
I'm in a similar situation as well. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't . Also, I'm new here, hello everyone!
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Scribble Fan
I'm out!
- May 30, 2019
- 815
My social skills have always been awful due to anxiety, I have no clue what a relationship feels like.
Having said that, I feel like I'd be kind of a downer to date, being depressed and all, so maybe I'm better off alone? Hey, who really knows.
Having said that, I feel like I'd be kind of a downer to date, being depressed and all, so maybe I'm better off alone? Hey, who really knows.
Mentalmick
IMHOTEP!!!
- Nov 30, 2020
- 2,050
I'd need to go on a course or something first. Wouldn't have the first clue what to do.
Nexey
Student
- Feb 18, 2021
- 120
I have no idea. But I tend to seek or think heavily about having a romantic/sexual partner when I'm single. I feel the need to "secure" one in an almost instinctual fashion.
x~Sophia~x
Always give 100% - unless you’re donating blood.
- Sep 10, 2020
- 1,361
I've been single for 15 years and feel 'happier' than I am when I'm in a relationship. I can't manage relationships, they're too painful. :(
HI!! WELCOME to Sanctioned Suicide!!! We are a loving global family that cares, loves, has a endless supply of empathy, kindness and support. I am so happy to be able to all you family!!!!!! Again, WELCOME and hugs and love go out to you!!!! Walter
Partner 100%, but I treated most of my exes pretty badly. And still rated my own space
ohhgeeitsme
Wizard
- Feb 5, 2020
- 694
I don't know. I want to say I'm happier when I'm single, but it's also possible that I just haven't found the right person yet.
BornofDust
Student
- Dec 11, 2020
- 132
I've pretty much accepted that I'm probably not gonna be in an relationship for like ever. I've tried it 3 years ago with a girl I was madly in love with, it never went beyond the talking stage since I was apparently a back-up plan and that she was just stringing me along and being hot and cold while she was talking to several people. Plus combined that with cheating been so common and frequent, physical and emotional cheating, leaves me to conclude that a relationship might not be worth it. I accept that most of my life is most likely going to be in solitude.
I still have fantasy's of a romantic relationship where we would go on adventures together, getting to know each other and helping each other grow as people. But I've pretty much accepted them as fantasy's and not simply something that could happen in real life one day. Plus everyone seems to treat it has some sort of game anyway, a game I have no interest in playing at this point.
EDIT: Not to mention I'm to mentally unstable at this point and pretty much even if I wanted to, no one would simply wanna deal with me, as a romantic partner or otherwise.
I still have fantasy's of a romantic relationship where we would go on adventures together, getting to know each other and helping each other grow as people. But I've pretty much accepted them as fantasy's and not simply something that could happen in real life one day. Plus everyone seems to treat it has some sort of game anyway, a game I have no interest in playing at this point.
EDIT: Not to mention I'm to mentally unstable at this point and pretty much even if I wanted to, no one would simply wanna deal with me, as a romantic partner or otherwise.
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Apathy79
Arcanist
- Oct 13, 2019
- 492
This has been my evolution on the subject. Excuse the long post, I don't think I've ever told this story in full before so it's good to get it all out:
When I was growing up, starting early high school, getting a girlfriend was a huge focus. But then, it was less about the girl and more about the social status that came with having a gf. The only serious qualifier was how pretty she was.
When I moved out of home to go to Uni, that attitude continued for a bit but soon shifted. I became uninterested in girlfriends for show and wanted a partner I could settle down with for life. The afternoon after my final exam in fresher year, I read an article about how to find your life partner, and the advice was to visualise everything about her in great detail and write it all down - everything about her appearance, what her upbringing was like, what her family was like, what her opinions are, what her values are, etc. I wrote about 2 pages detailing everything about my perfect girl. And the very next day I went for a walk in the park and met her. She was walking her dog and caught my attention immediately because she matched the physical description I'd laid out, and the second she looked at me I almost went weak. I could tell she felt it too and conversation flowed quickly and easily. I told her about the list straight away and showed it to her later that day - it was really uncanny, she was the person I'd described. I'd found the one.
The next few years just kept confirming that and I decided to pop the question and she said yes. I think it was only then I realised this wasn't just some miraculous luck about to end at any moment but she was my entire life now. Forever. I mean I'd fantasised about it constantly and planned a lot for it but I dunno it never quite seemed concrete and real until then.
I had to be the bread winner now. When we met, she'd just finished year 12 and I'd just finished fresher year. She decided to get a job to support us until I finished my degrees, then the assumption was I would become a lawyer and she would stay home and raise the kids. But I proposed after less than a month into my new "career". It was already quite overwhelming and only got worse. Over the next year, I began to really hate it and it became clear this couldn't be my life. I was working 60+ hours per week at a job I hated, everyone else I knew from law school was in the same boat, and most depressing of all the 60+yo partners worked even longer! This was never going to stop. So I quit.
That was the beginning of the end. How could we start a family now? We couldn't. I had some money saved up so I said let's take a long trip overseas. Clear our heads. Work out what to do with our lives. We can have the wedding whenever we want. If we decide to have kids, there's no rush. She reluctantly agreed but I knew something had changed. To her, the dream she had built for was crumbling. About a week before we were set to leave, she said she wasn't going to come. She needed her own space to work things out. So we decided to take a "temporary" break. I'd go overseas, she'd go back home, we'd work out our individual priorities then see if we could make it work. And that's what happened. Except we never spoke again. I know from Facebook that she got married 8 years later and now has 3 kids.
I didn't come back from my overseas trip for almost 8 years. I started an online business, travelled frugally and did many long treks, perfect for soul searching. That young love honeymoon period we had was incredible. It really was. But it doesn't last a lifetime. It became apparent to me very quickly that being a lawyer was never going to work for me. I enjoyed the philosophy of it but the practice held no interest at all. And me having kids would have been a complete disaster. That was built out of fantasies that didn't consider the day to day reality. Within a few months overseas, I knew having kids and a career were never going to happen. Given both of those things were essential for her dream, the relationship was doomed. And as the months turned into years and I read much more widely and spent more time in contemplation than most will in multiple lifetimes, I decided my journey from here is an internal spiritual one. I'll become a hermit with very little need for money so that I can get by with minimal work from my business, and spend the rest of my life in meditation/contemplation, cut off from the world. Sticking with my relationship would have prevented that, so I feel blessed now that it turned out how it did.
So for me, single life is the ultimate now. But I've gone through a few phases to get there. And I think I'm an unusual case. Loneliness is not something I have felt for maybe 30 years, despite being completely alone virtually 100% of the time for the last 16. And having a partner has always felt like an option I could choose, but ultimately opted against. I'm often too quick to judge people who think not being able to find someone is the worst thing imaginable, because from my angle being able to find someone is not even remotely important and something I would give away like old shoes. But that certainly wasn't always the case and it would only take a few tweaks in beliefs or personality to change that.
If you made it this far, thanks for sitting through my novel. I owe you one!
When I was growing up, starting early high school, getting a girlfriend was a huge focus. But then, it was less about the girl and more about the social status that came with having a gf. The only serious qualifier was how pretty she was.
When I moved out of home to go to Uni, that attitude continued for a bit but soon shifted. I became uninterested in girlfriends for show and wanted a partner I could settle down with for life. The afternoon after my final exam in fresher year, I read an article about how to find your life partner, and the advice was to visualise everything about her in great detail and write it all down - everything about her appearance, what her upbringing was like, what her family was like, what her opinions are, what her values are, etc. I wrote about 2 pages detailing everything about my perfect girl. And the very next day I went for a walk in the park and met her. She was walking her dog and caught my attention immediately because she matched the physical description I'd laid out, and the second she looked at me I almost went weak. I could tell she felt it too and conversation flowed quickly and easily. I told her about the list straight away and showed it to her later that day - it was really uncanny, she was the person I'd described. I'd found the one.
The next few years just kept confirming that and I decided to pop the question and she said yes. I think it was only then I realised this wasn't just some miraculous luck about to end at any moment but she was my entire life now. Forever. I mean I'd fantasised about it constantly and planned a lot for it but I dunno it never quite seemed concrete and real until then.
I had to be the bread winner now. When we met, she'd just finished year 12 and I'd just finished fresher year. She decided to get a job to support us until I finished my degrees, then the assumption was I would become a lawyer and she would stay home and raise the kids. But I proposed after less than a month into my new "career". It was already quite overwhelming and only got worse. Over the next year, I began to really hate it and it became clear this couldn't be my life. I was working 60+ hours per week at a job I hated, everyone else I knew from law school was in the same boat, and most depressing of all the 60+yo partners worked even longer! This was never going to stop. So I quit.
That was the beginning of the end. How could we start a family now? We couldn't. I had some money saved up so I said let's take a long trip overseas. Clear our heads. Work out what to do with our lives. We can have the wedding whenever we want. If we decide to have kids, there's no rush. She reluctantly agreed but I knew something had changed. To her, the dream she had built for was crumbling. About a week before we were set to leave, she said she wasn't going to come. She needed her own space to work things out. So we decided to take a "temporary" break. I'd go overseas, she'd go back home, we'd work out our individual priorities then see if we could make it work. And that's what happened. Except we never spoke again. I know from Facebook that she got married 8 years later and now has 3 kids.
I didn't come back from my overseas trip for almost 8 years. I started an online business, travelled frugally and did many long treks, perfect for soul searching. That young love honeymoon period we had was incredible. It really was. But it doesn't last a lifetime. It became apparent to me very quickly that being a lawyer was never going to work for me. I enjoyed the philosophy of it but the practice held no interest at all. And me having kids would have been a complete disaster. That was built out of fantasies that didn't consider the day to day reality. Within a few months overseas, I knew having kids and a career were never going to happen. Given both of those things were essential for her dream, the relationship was doomed. And as the months turned into years and I read much more widely and spent more time in contemplation than most will in multiple lifetimes, I decided my journey from here is an internal spiritual one. I'll become a hermit with very little need for money so that I can get by with minimal work from my business, and spend the rest of my life in meditation/contemplation, cut off from the world. Sticking with my relationship would have prevented that, so I feel blessed now that it turned out how it did.
So for me, single life is the ultimate now. But I've gone through a few phases to get there. And I think I'm an unusual case. Loneliness is not something I have felt for maybe 30 years, despite being completely alone virtually 100% of the time for the last 16. And having a partner has always felt like an option I could choose, but ultimately opted against. I'm often too quick to judge people who think not being able to find someone is the worst thing imaginable, because from my angle being able to find someone is not even remotely important and something I would give away like old shoes. But that certainly wasn't always the case and it would only take a few tweaks in beliefs or personality to change that.
If you made it this far, thanks for sitting through my novel. I owe you one!
That's it. Relationships are very hard work and you can only ever truly be free when you are alone. For me, the worst part of being single is when I realize the world is passing me by and nobody cares if I live or die. Pick your poison. I have learned that sometimes life only offers you a set of really shi!!y options. LOL, just realized that is not a very profound thing to say on a suicide forum!
Most everybody I know is married and I have to say that I am not even the slightest bit jealous of any of their marriages because they are rather bad from what I hear.
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Hirokami
Out of order
- Feb 21, 2021
- 607
As someone in a relationship, I'd have to say I'm happier in a relationship than without. Then again, I guess it's because it's the type of relationship I'm in. I'm with someone who doesn't invalidate my suicidal thoughts nor does she give me false platitudes. At most she'll say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. Do you want to distract yourself?" She doesn't force me to cheer up or anything. It's rare to find someone who's actually understanding and doesn't make me feel guilty for thoughts outside of my control. I guess she's like that because she also has suicidal thoughts, so she gets it.
bruisedtorso
Filthy rotten no good punk
- Mar 10, 2019
- 35
I am happier alone (which isn't a lot but people bring more grief to my life), but when i'm in love it feels so good, almost like a drug high. It's the comedown that always makes me wish i'd just stayed single.
I really like cuddling, netflix and chill with a girl but I'm actually happier single.
I couldn't be in a serious relationship at all. I mean, first I gotta love myself and my mind and then, I could even get married haha.
I couldn't be in a serious relationship at all. I mean, first I gotta love myself and my mind and then, I could even get married haha.
Mentalmick
IMHOTEP!!!
- Nov 30, 2020
- 2,050
I'd like a cuddle as well but I'd probably be curled up in a ball on the floor crying if she as much as looked in my direction.
Mixo
Blue
- Aug 2, 2020
- 773
Hirokami
Out of order
- Feb 21, 2021
- 607
Having a partner can be fun, but a bad relationship is far worse than being single. Cheating, gaslighting, daily arguments and so forth are just some of the things that could happen in a relationship. At least when you're single, you don't have to worry about lovers betraying your trust and damaging you. Relationships are overrated.
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Mixo
Blue
- Aug 2, 2020
- 773
Basically the situation I'm in now and it's total hell. I get treated like shit everyday. If I ever break free from this psycho, I'm never going to be with anyone ever again.
LingeringUnreal
dumb of ass
- Dec 14, 2021
- 118
I don't really know right now....after a breakup with a partner just before Christmas that I'd been with for 6 years (and was engaged to), the future seems really uncertain. I have some friends I mess around with (but would never date) but it just feels like something is missing in my life.
I wonder if a dog would fill that void better than a person, but I'd be worried if I got a dog and then ctb'd. I'd want them to have a better life than that.
I wonder if a dog would fill that void better than a person, but I'd be worried if I got a dog and then ctb'd. I'd want them to have a better life than that.
LingeringUnreal
dumb of ass
- Dec 14, 2021
- 118
@OrcWitch thanks! Originally it was Aku no Hana, but this avatar kept making me laugh so... lol
Suicidebydeath
No chances to be happy - dead inside
- Nov 25, 2021
- 3,559
Prefer to be in a healthy relationship, esp. post recovery. Let's just say a hundred billion dollars isn't enough to make me leave the current person I like. Not going to happen in a million years either.
Josh007
The number zero is feeling lonely...
- Nov 30, 2020
- 188
kappa
Experienced
- Apr 2, 2019
- 233
You need to get out of that...
Just out of curiosity why are you still with them?
Is it a trauma bond, loneliness, fear of being alone?
I'm not sure why I kept going back to my abuser. But I'm guessing maybe a trauma bond and how isolated I am.
I feel on the same page with never wanting to be with someone again.
But let tell you even though I am completely alone, it's still nice as hell to do whatever I want without judgement. I'm not going to get cussed out for not texting in time.. and I don't have to do anything I don't wanna do. Just being free from insults is bliss.
I hope you can eventually get out of it. It's hard. Have you read anything about narcissists and relationships? Even if they aren't technically a narcissist, still helpful to know about.
You don't deserve it. That person is probably never going to have a healthy relationship in their life, and it's on them not you.
LONE WOLF.
PUNISHER.
- Nov 4, 2020
- 1,988
Snake of Eden
“Ye shall be as gods..🍎 🐍”
- Jun 22, 2021
- 2,473
Ideally I would like to be with a partner whom i like and like me back (not just settling) but it wont happen so i may as well just settle for being single as my whole life
Mr2005
Don't shoot the messenger, give me the gun
- Sep 25, 2018
- 3,622
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