In contrast to my role on here in life I am often a passive observer in my real life. But concerning this site it becomes more intricate. We are all observers, we watch what is going on here, while we are observed by others. We are part of the spectacle. We observe others (other observers), members create profiles, we create an identity some with more some with less effort. We try to be recognized, we try to present us on here, presenting the values we stand for. we are playing roles, each of us has a particular role on this forum. We are contributing in some way or another. Even the lurkers have role. I tried to address them in the past. There are feedback loops. There are reactions and interactions and the whole system thrives on it. If there were no replies the system would run dry. And the reactions are like lubricant.
In real life I am very passive. I spend much time online. I don't have social media. But I watch a lot of Youtube, I read politicial articles, try to stay informed about geopolitics. From time to time media theory and philosophy. A huge part of my life consists of reading/listening to stuff what other people think about the world. After I put the input into my machine I come online on here. Post about the things I read and wait for the feedback. Then I analyze what other people think about my comment where I analyzed the comments from other people about world affairs. And since most of them are media journalists they copy stuff from other journalists. And the actual first observers are very rare. Even if you watch a livestream online it is not actually a first observation. It is mediated by the platform with its own rules and function.
I think I enjoy being a observer. It is some form of voyeurism. I feel safe when I am observing on the internet. It is different when I myself am watched. There is also a certain thrill about that. You can destroy your own profile and there is something at stake. You can ruin future opportunities. In college I felt horrible. I always had the feeling I had to perform in a perfect way. There was real skin in the game. I wanted to be so perfect that I struggled to start or end things. But when I was in a "performance" (i.e. participant of a lecture or exam) I was extremely agitated and worried what other people thought about me. I was extremely hard to myself even for minor mistakes. It was paralyzing. Also the self-awareness about all of that didn't help. I was aware how other people perceived my overconscioussness, insecurities and my extreme perfectionism. There was no way out. I was forced to participate in a game where my pathologies enforced the rules. I couldn't simply quit. Even leaving the game despite its horrible impact on my mental health put me on the edge of suicide. There was no rule for me which allowed me to quit. I waited for someone else telling me to quit. And eventually the people in the clinic did. I was in permanent hypervigilant hyperfocus. For example in one exam. I faded out everything in my environment. I was lowkey psychotic and people who observed me perceived me as weird and distressed. I was in this exam mode with extreme anxiety (I had the perfect mark with no mistakes eventually). The logic of an exam follows different rules than a presentation. My actions and focus would be diametrical. But I couldn't differentiate. I faded out how other people perceived me during this exam while in usual lectures nothing mattered more than how other people perceive me.
At university I really disliked being seen. My favorite parts were online classes. I could focus on the content of the lecture. I never turned on my webcam. I felt safe. There was no voice in my head criticizing me for how I am being perceived. I think I would hate being lecturer holding online classes. I am way too insecure for that. I had to hold an online presentation once and it ended in a disaster with extreme shame and guilt. Maybe a little bit exaggerated. There was a paradox I hated to be perceived. But I was highly competitive when I had to participate. I hated me for every single wrong answer. I always had to be perfect. And when I didn't know something I felt like other students would see through my pathetic attempt to present myself as smart-ass. I feared they would see through my charade and see me as the imposter that I am. When I felt really really bad on a real existential pain level. I relied more and more on AI. And in some way I actually became a real imposter. I think I already was one but it became worse. And I am not sure whether other students saw through that. I think one conclusion is that how critical I perceive myself isn't how others perceive me. Most people don't care, thought I was an extreme careerist with obvious insecurities and mental health issues. From what I have heard others considered me quite smart. But they were not aware how much effort all of this costed. And about what is going in my mind just to see what the outcome of this absurd overthinking is.
I think on SaSu I am clearly a participant and less of a passive observer. The same in my friend group in real life. But I am reliant on feedback. It helps my introspection and in some ways it helps me to grow. Not to overcome all of these deep issues. I think on a different level with up and downs. I think I will never be able to quit this game: This is how me and my pathologies work. Though, I think decreasing the number of games I am participating in helped me to cope with this dilemma. There are social interactions I enjoy. For example posting on here and getting feedback. But there isn't as much skin in the game as in college. Noone gives me marks, most of the things are forgotten pretty fast, I am more anonymous, people on here show vulnerabilities, the people on here are compassionate and understanding in contrast to X or Instagram for example. I prefer the rules on here. No faces, no clear names, barely any visible connections to our real identify. Not only for a few but for all of us on here. It helped me a lot to quit college. I considered to go to an online university. I hated to be perceived in lectures. Though, my outcome would also be evaluated at an online university and that's also one form of hell.
I like to make my thinking on here more transparent. If I am open about my fear of being an imposter and show my vulnerabilities the judgement by others in real life doesn't hurt as much. Because if people give me the chance and opportunity I am willing to explain myself. I think most of these fears are rooted in my childhood and teenage years. But I put such an emphasis on criticizing me that it can feel like a self-mortification. And again I am anticipating how you will perceive me when you will read this text about my worrying about how others perceive and observe me and my inferences of observations by others in the past that affect my observation and judgement of myself and how much the observations of others of myself undermine my own self-perception and how I want others to perceive me and how I achieve that in the best possible way in the present and future. There is also a retroactive perspective. When I am telling me narratives about my past I am also reshaping my identity and this can ease my existential pain. When I am changing interpretations of my past I am also influencing how perceptions of other people influence my own self-perception in the future and present time.
I think this is something I am good in: metacognition.
In real life I am very passive. I spend much time online. I don't have social media. But I watch a lot of Youtube, I read politicial articles, try to stay informed about geopolitics. From time to time media theory and philosophy. A huge part of my life consists of reading/listening to stuff what other people think about the world. After I put the input into my machine I come online on here. Post about the things I read and wait for the feedback. Then I analyze what other people think about my comment where I analyzed the comments from other people about world affairs. And since most of them are media journalists they copy stuff from other journalists. And the actual first observers are very rare. Even if you watch a livestream online it is not actually a first observation. It is mediated by the platform with its own rules and function.
I think I enjoy being a observer. It is some form of voyeurism. I feel safe when I am observing on the internet. It is different when I myself am watched. There is also a certain thrill about that. You can destroy your own profile and there is something at stake. You can ruin future opportunities. In college I felt horrible. I always had the feeling I had to perform in a perfect way. There was real skin in the game. I wanted to be so perfect that I struggled to start or end things. But when I was in a "performance" (i.e. participant of a lecture or exam) I was extremely agitated and worried what other people thought about me. I was extremely hard to myself even for minor mistakes. It was paralyzing. Also the self-awareness about all of that didn't help. I was aware how other people perceived my overconscioussness, insecurities and my extreme perfectionism. There was no way out. I was forced to participate in a game where my pathologies enforced the rules. I couldn't simply quit. Even leaving the game despite its horrible impact on my mental health put me on the edge of suicide. There was no rule for me which allowed me to quit. I waited for someone else telling me to quit. And eventually the people in the clinic did. I was in permanent hypervigilant hyperfocus. For example in one exam. I faded out everything in my environment. I was lowkey psychotic and people who observed me perceived me as weird and distressed. I was in this exam mode with extreme anxiety (I had the perfect mark with no mistakes eventually). The logic of an exam follows different rules than a presentation. My actions and focus would be diametrical. But I couldn't differentiate. I faded out how other people perceived me during this exam while in usual lectures nothing mattered more than how other people perceive me.
At university I really disliked being seen. My favorite parts were online classes. I could focus on the content of the lecture. I never turned on my webcam. I felt safe. There was no voice in my head criticizing me for how I am being perceived. I think I would hate being lecturer holding online classes. I am way too insecure for that. I had to hold an online presentation once and it ended in a disaster with extreme shame and guilt. Maybe a little bit exaggerated. There was a paradox I hated to be perceived. But I was highly competitive when I had to participate. I hated me for every single wrong answer. I always had to be perfect. And when I didn't know something I felt like other students would see through my pathetic attempt to present myself as smart-ass. I feared they would see through my charade and see me as the imposter that I am. When I felt really really bad on a real existential pain level. I relied more and more on AI. And in some way I actually became a real imposter. I think I already was one but it became worse. And I am not sure whether other students saw through that. I think one conclusion is that how critical I perceive myself isn't how others perceive me. Most people don't care, thought I was an extreme careerist with obvious insecurities and mental health issues. From what I have heard others considered me quite smart. But they were not aware how much effort all of this costed. And about what is going in my mind just to see what the outcome of this absurd overthinking is.
I think on SaSu I am clearly a participant and less of a passive observer. The same in my friend group in real life. But I am reliant on feedback. It helps my introspection and in some ways it helps me to grow. Not to overcome all of these deep issues. I think on a different level with up and downs. I think I will never be able to quit this game: This is how me and my pathologies work. Though, I think decreasing the number of games I am participating in helped me to cope with this dilemma. There are social interactions I enjoy. For example posting on here and getting feedback. But there isn't as much skin in the game as in college. Noone gives me marks, most of the things are forgotten pretty fast, I am more anonymous, people on here show vulnerabilities, the people on here are compassionate and understanding in contrast to X or Instagram for example. I prefer the rules on here. No faces, no clear names, barely any visible connections to our real identify. Not only for a few but for all of us on here. It helped me a lot to quit college. I considered to go to an online university. I hated to be perceived in lectures. Though, my outcome would also be evaluated at an online university and that's also one form of hell.
I like to make my thinking on here more transparent. If I am open about my fear of being an imposter and show my vulnerabilities the judgement by others in real life doesn't hurt as much. Because if people give me the chance and opportunity I am willing to explain myself. I think most of these fears are rooted in my childhood and teenage years. But I put such an emphasis on criticizing me that it can feel like a self-mortification. And again I am anticipating how you will perceive me when you will read this text about my worrying about how others perceive and observe me and my inferences of observations by others in the past that affect my observation and judgement of myself and how much the observations of others of myself undermine my own self-perception and how I want others to perceive me and how I achieve that in the best possible way in the present and future. There is also a retroactive perspective. When I am telling me narratives about my past I am also reshaping my identity and this can ease my existential pain. When I am changing interpretations of my past I am also influencing how perceptions of other people influence my own self-perception in the future and present time.
I think this is something I am good in: metacognition.
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