Are we okay?

[raison_d'etre]

~ am i okay?

I've been dating this girl for 5 years, she's an amazing person but impossible to read. awhile ago, about a year or two ago i was living with her best friend, ill call her ashley (we had met thru my girlfriend and her parents offered me to stay there after my mom starting dating an abusive alcoholic) one time while we were all chillin, my friend gabe pulls out a few hits of some triple dip tabs, he gives me and ashley one and puts 5 under his tounge and went in another universe, his sister had to take him inside and take care of him when his trip went south. after that my girlfriend had to go home cuz it was getting late. me and ashley headin back in the house, we split the one tab up and put em under our tounges as soon as we were in (keep in mind, it was only half a tab) so a few hrs into the trip, we were in her room watchin tv, when a sex scene came on, she said some shit like "you tryna have sex and just say it was the drugs in the morning". i was straight silent, after a bit i think she got a bad vibe and tried asking me again but this time she was tryna get me to spend the night in her bed wit her, after that i straight up said no and i was gonna go sleep on the couch in the living room like usual. i head out but not before she asks again, to which i denied her again. after all that happened in the morning i went and told my girlfriend, tbh she didnt seem too phased, didnt seem like she cared at all.

a few months later i talked to her about it again but this time she decided to ask ashley what happened, to which ashley denied everything. i wasnt too surprised. after that ashley started rumors that while i was living with her, i stole money from her mom (i didnt) i wasnt too suprised about that either. cut to a few more months later (the present) and i talk to my girlfriend about it again (its almost been a year and a half at this point) and i ask why shes still chillin wit ashley, i ask if she doesnt want to acknowledge it or if she doesn't believe me or something, to which she says its conflicting and shes been friends with ashley for years but knows i wouldnt lie about something like that. ngl all this time its been tearng me apart, along with all other lifes stresses, i dont think i can cope with her still being friends with her without ever clearing the air. im not too caught up over anything but myself, am i in the wrong? i dont want to give her an ultimatum between me or her cheater friend but this whole situation along with the rest of my shitty life pushs me closer everyday. am i okay? am i wrong?


-P.S.-
~ sorry for spelling mistakes, messy eventline or anything, i just had a heartbreaking conversation with my gf so im posting this for advice or a good friend who might have some thoughts or some shit, immediately smoking a bowl and going to bed

~ raison_d'etre

 

[whywere]

Hi! WOW a tough situation and tough question. 1st the situation aspect: now when I give my thoughts on this a lot of this is what I have experienced in my 65 years on this rock and what happened when I met my ex wife back in 1984. Some of her friends hated me from the get go AND a few were, well interested in me. On both angles after awhile, I was getting tired of all the head games and innuendo and had a talk with her. BANG, she did not believe me and told me to stop talking bad about her friends. Hey, no problem I said!. So I went through with my scheme of over time gently showing her what her friends were doing for real. I took a lot of time and made sure I had my t's crossed and I's dottedand after awhile she saw things for what they were, but it was a long journey.

2nd part of your situation: I truly hate saying this, but first doing drugs and trying to remedy a wrinkle in a relationship might not be a good way to have a clear head about something that could effect one's for life. Case in point with me, back in 1981, a gal wanted to go out with me but I had to have sex with her whenever she wanted no questions asked and I turned to a lot of booze to "think" it over, bad idea, as I almost got her in family way and I did not even like her that much. After that I dropped the booze so I could have a clear head when a huge bad problem arose. Like when I caught my wife, ex now, spending thousands behind my back, drained the checking account and savings and I found out when checks started to bounce. I did not turn to booze but a good lawyer and dumped her.

The final thing is a question to ask yourself: "what do I want to deal with long term". If this situation was mine, I would walk a fine line and try over time to have my girlfriend understand the aspect that WE not us two and her friend, are together. If after time and examples of what has gone on, if he could not or would not understand that it is a couple, me and her and NOT her friend influencing the situation and her, then good bye. My ex wife pleaded with me to give her another chance, I did . She did not know it but I had the back call me if anything was taken out and ya she tried to restart what she had done the 1st time and IU tossed her out.

I send you lots of hugs, love and the understanding that you can get through this, I did, and I am much wiser from my experiences.

Walter

 

[Zzzzz]

Dang . That sounds like a tough situation. You did the right thing. You were honest and did not cheat on your girlfriend. According to the post, your girlfriend's friend Is trouble. She tried to cheat on her best friend. Then was denied and got petty and started spreading rumors. I really wonder why your GF was not phased by her best friend trying to sleep with you? . It sounds like it would be a good idea to have another conversation with your GF and tell her how much this is bothering you. You need a resolution. You need her to believe what you are saying about her friend. What she did to you and her behind her back. If she doesn't believe you you must decide whether you want to compromise or offer an ultimatum. But know that you did absolutely nothing wrong in this scenario. Just my 2 cents from what I've read I don't know all the details though

 

[Peel_the_Banana]

This is a tough situation. However no woman that I know would dump their long-term friend for a man they are just dating unless they caught them in the act of sex or had proof / know for sure they slept together. I'm not saying that Ashley is a good friend or that she should remain friends with Ashley; but you giving your girlfriend an ultimatum regarding Ashley is inappropriate. You giving her an untilmatum is about your needs and not about her needs. And your needs should not be a priority when it comes to her friendship choices. It states you don't trust her to make good decisions about her life. I just can't understand why you have to see them not be friends in order to continue a relationship with her. If she hasn't made Ashley an issue you shouldn't either. As long as you don't have to be around Ashley, Ashley is a non-issue. However if she wants you both to be friends and hang out together then that's where you can tell her that's not happening. In other words if you being friends with Ashley becomes an ultimatum for you being in a relationship with her, then that's where it would be appropriate to give her an ultimatum.

Your girlfriend already stated that she doesn't believe you would lie about that so she is already telling you that she trusts you. You should trust her to make decisions for her life that are sound for her today. Now on the other hand if your girlfriend starts coming to you asking weird or accusatory questions about rumors that Ashley made, that's the signal to cut her off immediately. That would tell me that Ashley has too much ability to interfere in your relationship as well as affect how your woman feels about you and that means the situation has changed to a dead NO-NO.

Ashley was there before you so you have to understand that this is a hard decision for her. Until it is really affecting your relationship in the present I would ignore it. If a man I was dating tried to control who I'm friends with, I would see that as a red flag. If you can't read her, you have to trust that what you have with her is solid until you know otherwise.


EDIT: Sorry I edited this a few times after so you may want to reread it if you saw it too early.

 

[raison_d'etre]

Hi! WOW a tough situation and tough question. 1st the situation aspect: now when I give my thoughts on this a lot of this is what I have experienced in my 65 years on this rock and what happened when I met my ex wife back in 1984. Some of her friends hated me from the get go AND a few were, well interested in me. On both angles after awhile, I was getting tired of all the head games and innuendo and had a talk with her. BANG, she did not believe me and told me to stop talking bad about her friends. Hey, no problem I said!. So I went through with my scheme of over time gently showing her what her friends were doing for real. I took a lot of time and made sure I had my t's crossed and I's dottedand after awhile she saw things for what they were, but it was a long journey.

2nd part of your situation: I truly hate saying this, but first doing drugs and trying to remedy a wrinkle in a relationship might not be a good way to have a clear head about something that could effect one's for life. Case in point with me, back in 1981, a gal wanted to go out with me but I had to have sex with her whenever she wanted no questions asked and I turned to a lot of booze to "think" it over, bad idea, as I almost got her in family way and I did not even like her that much. After that I dropped the booze so I could have a clear head when a huge bad problem arose. Like when I caught my wife, ex now, spending thousands behind my back, drained the checking account and savings and I found out when checks started to bounce. I did not turn to booze but a good lawyer and dumped her.

The final thing is a question to ask yourself: "what do I want to deal with long term". If this situation was mine, I would walk a fine line and try over time to have my girlfriend understand the aspect that WE not us two and her friend, are together. If after time and examples of what has gone on, if he could not or would not understand that it is a couple, me and her and NOT her friend influencing the situation and her, then good bye. My ex wife pleaded with me to give her another chance, I did . She did not know it but I had the back call me if anything was taken out and ya she tried to restart what she had done the 1st time and IU tossed her out.

I send you lots of hugs, love and the understanding that you can get through this, I did, and I am much wiser from my experiences.

Walter

Dang . That sounds like a tough situation. You did the right thing. You were honest and did not cheat on your girlfriend. According to the post, your girlfriend's friend Is trouble. She tried to cheat on her best friend. Then was denied and got petty and started spreading rumors. I really wonder why your GF was not phased by her best friend trying to sleep with you? . It sounds like it would be a good idea to have another conversation with your GF and tell her how much this is bothering you. You need a resolution. You need her to believe what you are saying about her friend. What she did to you and her behind her back. If she doesn't believe you you must decide whether you want to compromise or offer an ultimatum. But know that you did absolutely nothing wrong in this scenario. Just my 2 cents from what I've read I don't know all the details though

I thank you all, for the kind, well thought out replies. this whole situations a bit far out. I think all of you are right, I'm gonna try and finish the conversation I had with her yesterday, today when she heads over again. I'll try and understand more, figure out what she really thinks about the whole thing, usually i just get her response as "conflicted" but that doesn't tell me much other than she prolly doesn't believe me.

 

[Zzzzz]

I just gotta say it's not appropriate to imply that op has done anything wrong and throw any blame on him whatsoever when he has been nothing but honest and faithful to his GF for 5 years presumably. Ready2Die comment seems considerably biased in favor of GF. Seems to imply that OP is not being a great boyfriend and needs to trust everything GF is doing when the GF is the one who does not trust OP words and refuses to acknowledge the harm Ashley's done to OP . GF said she knows op wouldn't lie. She never said she believed his words. While I agree it's not appropriate to say who should be friends with who or give that kind of ultimatum,OP has every right to break up with GF over this issue if he chooses and There would be absolutely nothing wrong with that at all. GF chooses to believe lying, cheating Ashley over her faithful boyfriend of 5 years. To me that's the red flag. I think GF will always most likely trust Ashley's word more than OP s, but it's hard to say for sure things might change in the future. But most likely OP seems to have two choices. 1. Accept how it is and stay in relationship, or 2. break up and find someone else. Whatever the case, may you find peace and happiness.

 

[raison_d'etre]

This is a tough situation. However no woman that I know would dump their long-term friend for a man they are just dating unless they caught them in the act of sex or had proof / know for sure they slept together. I'm not saying that Ashley is a good friend or that she should remain friends with Ashley; but you giving your girlfriend an ultimatum regarding Ashley is inappropriate. You giving her an untilmatum is about your needs and not about her needs. And your needs should not be a priority when it comes to her friendship choices. It states you don't trust her to make good decisions about her life. I just can't understand why you have to see them not be friends in order to continue a relationship with her. If she hasn't made Ashley an issue you shouldn't either. As long as you don't have to be around Ashley, Ashley is a non-issue. However if she wants you both to be friends and hang out together then that's where you can tell her that's not happening. In other words if you being friends with Ashley becomes an ultimatum for you being in a relationship with her, then that's where it would be appropriate to give her an ultimatum.

Your girlfriend already stated that she doesn't believe you would lie about that so she is already telling you that she trusts you. You should trust her to make decisions for her life that are sound for her today. Now on the other hand if your girlfriend starts coming to you asking weird or accusatory questions about rumors that Ashley made, that's the signal to cut her off immediately. That would tell me that Ashley has too much ability to interfere in your relationship as well as affect how your woman feels about you and that means the situation has changed to a dead NO-NO.

Ashley was there before you so you have to understand that this is a hard decision for her. Until it is really affecting your relationship in the present I would ignore it. If a man I was dating tried to control who I'm friends with, I would see that as a red flag. If you can't read her, you have to trust that what you have with her is solid until you know otherwise.


EDIT: Sorry I edited this a few times after so you may want to reread it if you saw it too early.

i totally agree, i thought it would be inappropriate giving her an ultimatum between me and her friend, i never wanna be a controlling asshole. the thing is, she did come at me with some weird questions, sounding somewhat accusatory, after ashley and her mom were talking about me behind my back. i really love this girl and i wouldnt wanna lose her over something like this but i cant cope with ashley starting rumors behind my back, im gonna try and talk to her again and try and see whats up, im not expecting anything at this point, i just want it to be over with, however it has to end

 

[Zzzzz]

I thank you all, for the kind, well thought out replies. this whole situations a bit far out. I think all of you are right, I'm gonna try and finish the conversation I had with her yesterday, today when she heads over again. I'll try and understand more, figure out what she really thinks about the whole thing, usually i just get her response as "conflicted" but that doesn't tell me much other than she prolly doesn't believe me.

I agree. Saying she is conflicted really doesn't tell you hardly anything . She should be more forthcoming and specific about how she feels and thinks about it I think.

 

[Peel_the_Banana]

i totally agree, i thought it would be inappropriate giving her an ultimatum between me and her friend, i never wanna be a controlling asshole. the thing is, she did come at me with some weird questions, sounding somewhat accusatory, after ashley and her mom were talking about me behind my back. i really love this girl and i wouldnt wanna lose her over something like this but i cant cope with ashley starting rumors behind my back, im gonna try and talk to her again and try and see whats up, im not expecting anything at this point, i just want it to be over with, however it has to end

Talk to her. Leave the door open. But if she keeps repeating that behavior (I'm assuming it was once when the rumors first surfaced) then it signifies she doesn't trust you and frankly speaking if someone doesn't trust you after 5 years together, then there are bigger problems at work.

The great thing here is that you told her first. You did your part and there is nothing you can do beyond this. Its up to her. She will figure it out eventually and if she doesn't then it wasn't meant to be.

Honestly relationships are hard enough without dealing with 3rd party BS. If you were even considering marrying this girl, then it would be good to know beforehand that 3rd party BS has the potential to infiltrate your relationship. Something like that would infringe upon my relationship values.