Help Are there old(er), seriously physically ill people in this community? Want to connect with people who need to go -- not want, but need, to ctb.

[iminhell]

Hi,

It would be nice to hear from older people who are very committed to ctb.

I am 57, very physically ill, disabled, poor, unsupported, and need to ctb. I spell out a lot, not all, of my problems in my first post yesterday. (Please read it but if not: I have several very serious health issues that have ruined my life, all of them acquired very recently, almost all of them stemming from psychiatric "care" -- the drugs, the diseases ( SIADH) and devastating side effects like vision loss, ECT, etc). You will see why I need, not want to go.

I am absolutely resolute if devastated. There has to be a way to avoid what's coming. I have been rejected by the right-to-die organization available to me because of my psychiatric diagnosis and lack of dementia diagnosis (I have been and continue to be neurologically tested but a diagnosis of severe depression makes an official dementia diagnosis hard and years away. I don't have years).

I need to go now. We are now broke because of a stupid move to an expensive house and area and have to move back to the poor, rural, miserable Midwestern town that made me so depressed in the first place for 30 years. I can't do it. I have tried to ctb in recent months -- the second attempt was going to work but I was discovered (breaks my heart) -- but obviously failed.

There has to be a way. There just has to. I started researching nitrogen as my best option but my cognitive, physical, family and financial situation make it unfeasible.

I am willing to suffer --even a lot -- for the day or two, then continue to suffer, with it only going to get so much worse (raving, alone, homeless, sick, disabled, functionally blind and without healthcare in the worst place on earth to be).

How much are you willing to suffer? Do you have confidence in your plan? What is it?

Please help me. If you can't, please talk to me.

Thank you.

 

[bruised_reed]

I don't have much to offer as far as encouragement or hope but I'm so sorry you're suffering so much :(

 

[idiotmother]

I looked up your other post and read your story and holy crap, you're really suffering. It's a real shame that you don't qualify for assisted death and that the medical industry has basically screwed you over so terribly. They crippled you and left you to rot away, I'm so sorry. I wish I could help you with the gas set up but it confuses me too. Many of these methods require mental and physical strength not so commonly possessed amongst desperate people. There's even a thread about nitazenes being a peaceful way out but you need to know how to download a browser and use the dark web, which doesn't seem easy at all.

I'm 36 and seriously injured by psychiatric drugs and there's no way to help me. It's an exhausting, anxiety filled existence and no one understands. I also wish for Nembutal or something similar to end my suffering. It's disgusting what the medical industry and big pharma are able to get away with. They ruin so many lives but blame it on our original diagnoses , painting us as crazy people. They are detestable scumbags.

The mental health care in the u.s is a criminal system that exploits its patients and uses them as human Guinea pigs. I'm so sorry that they've ruined you too, and for all your other ailments.

 

[iminhell]

I am sorry for your suffering.

I didn't even list all my problems, either. I have essential tremor (from an extreme reaction to valium, which I was using to withdraw from ativan, per my criminal psychiatrist's advice) . I also have gynecological bleeding and I missed my surgery to investigate with hysteroscopy (I have a stenotic cervix due to past botched HPV procedures-- I am high risk for cervical cancer -- got HPV from rape) because I was in the psych ward, I have a broken toe and knuckle from falls that never got cared for by dr, then they were double crushed afterward in abuse), I need jaw surgery, I have bloody, watery stool (when I do go; I am usually constipated with motility issues-- my gut biome has been thrashed by drugs an bad nutrition and depression) that I am waiting to see dr for, I am going to miss my 10 year time frame for my colonoscopy because I am just trying to get it booked now (will take a year to get in here because of demand but if we are leaving, years) and it is a high risk procedure for people with SIADH (lexapro and seroquel gave me SIADH), I am at very high risk for breast cancer and my terrible nutrition ( (SIADH is so restrictive plus my husband doesn't cook; I used to be the cook (was a vegan now it's all meat)), constant, unbearable stress and extreme sedentary life (I used to be a jogger) all worsen those odds....

It's just never ending. Why my husband and son can't see or understand this is beyond me.

Psychiatry is criminal. It is not health care.

The fact that we aren't allowed to die, that a peaceful means like lethal injection or Nembutal, isn't actually prescribed for someone like me when can document our suffering-- the fact that my involuntary commitment disqualifies me from hospice even if I have that dementia diagnosis or terminal cancer-- is just so, so sick.

I am the unluckiest person I have ever known. Everything I write is true and I know it just sounds like self-pity but it's all true.

Until 3 years ago I wouldn't even take an advil. I taught at a university. I ran, lifted weights, did qi gong, was thriving despite a hard life.

I just pray to be gone. But I can't even pray to die in my sleep because I don't sleep.

It's raining right now and I used to love that sound. I used to love the sun too. I used to love.

 

[madameviolette]

I am sorry for your suffering.

I didn't even list all my problems, either. I have essential tremor (from an extreme reaction to valium, which I was using to withdraw from ativan, per my criminal psychiatrist's advice) . I also have gynecological bleeding and I missed my surgery to investigate with hysteroscopy (I have a stenotic cervix due to past botched HPV procedures-- I am high risk for cervical cancer -- got HPV from rape) because I was in the psych ward, I have a broken toe and knuckle from falls that never got cared for by dr, then they were double crushed afterward in abuse), I need jaw surgery, I have bloody, watery stool (when I do go; I am usually constipated with motility issues-- my gut biome has been thrashed by drugs an bad nutrition and depression) that I am waiting to see dr for, I am going to miss my 10 year time frame for my colonoscopy because I am just trying to get it booked now (will take a year to get in here because of demand but if we are leaving, years) and it is a high risk procedure for people with SIADH (lexapro and seroquel gave me SIADH), I am at very high risk for breast cancer and my terrible nutrition ( (SIADH is so restrictive plus my husband doesn't cook; I used to be the cook (was a vegan now it's all meat)), constant, unbearable stress and extreme sedentary life (I used to be a jogger) all worsen those odds....

It's just never ending. Why my husband and son can't see or understand this is beyond me.

Psychiatry is criminal. It is not health care.

The fact that we aren't allowed to die, that a peaceful means like lethal injection or Nembutal, isn't actually prescribed for someone like me when can document our suffering-- the fact that my involuntary commitment disqualifies me from hospice even if I have that dementia diagnosis or terminal cancer-- is just so, so sick.

I am the unluckiest person I have ever known. Everything I write is true and I know it just sounds like self-pity but it's all true.

Until 3 years ago I wouldn't even take an advil. I taught at a university. I ran, lifted weights, did qi gong, was thriving despite a hard life.

I just pray to be gone. But I can't even pray to die in my sleep because I don't sleep.

It's raining right now and I used to love that sound. I used to love the sun too. I used to love.

I'm in the same situation and also got SIADH from these drugs....

 

[iminhell]

I'm in the same situation and also got SIADH from these drugs....

You are the only other person I know of who has it. I had never heard of it before. No one in my life had either and they all think it's just some minor nuisance. It's hell, especially with all the surgeries I have planned. Hysteroscopy and colonoscopy are just normal procedures for people without SIADH. I have a five hour prolapse surgery coming up.

People don't understand that SIADH causes brain damage and bone loss. My hyponatremia went down to 120 when I was on Seroquel for a week (husband insisted). I was in bad shape, hospitalized, barely conscious and apparently muttered something about not wanting to wake up to a nurse, which landed me in the psych ward -- where they loaded me up with massive doses of Prozac and gave me a psychotic depression diagnosis. I have not had a psychotic second in my life. But that diagnosis will haunt me forever.

The nutrition suffers so much with SIADH. No loaded-up veggie smoothies, ever again. My kidneys are losing function. Six rounds of ECT not only seriously damaged my sight and memory, my kidneys and brain suffered from low sodium from the procedure.

I miss just drinking whatever and how much I like, instead of every ml accounted for. I miss having a cup of coffee or tea, just normal things people never think about.

 

[chaotic_crow]

Im not older (25) but very ill. I can't do anything and I've slowly lost my ability to do any of my hobbies. I can't roll myself half a block without my arms locking up and getting uncontrollable movements that damn near dislocate my joints. I relate to needing to ctb. I have no options, I'll be on the street again in a week and like I said I can hardly move without causing myself harm but if you stay still for too long being visibly homeless the cops get called. I'm out of options and I can't keep watching myself get worse. My plan is yew poisoning because I have no income for other methods. My grandma has an english yew in her front yard I'm just waiting until I have to leave to take them. Being ill is hard, it feels like you're already dead and just stuck in limbo until some divine force finally takes pity on you and says enough is enough

 

[todienomore]

Im older and have made some threads about carbon dioxide, magnesium, nicotine. i think those and charcoal/carbon monoxide can be very pragmatic methods.

 

[iminhell]

Im not older (25) but very ill. I can't do anything and I've slowly lost my ability to do any of my hobbies. I can't roll myself half a block without my arms locking up and getting uncontrollable movements that damn near dislocate my joints. I relate to needing to ctb. I have no options, I'll be on the street again in a week and like I said I can hardly move without causing myself harm but if you stay still for too long being visibly homeless the cops get called. I'm out of options and I can't keep watching myself get worse. My plan is yew poisoning because I have no income for other methods. My grandma has an english yew in her front yard I'm just waiting until I have to leave to take them. Being ill is hard, it feels like you're already dead and just stuck in limbo until some divine force finally takes pity on you and says enough is enough

I am so sorry.