This is pretty much how I feel. I am creative and smart, I am far from wealthy but comfortable, and I have a loving wife.
But I seem to be a magnet for conflict. I've been bullied my whole life, including by my adult colleagues. I felt compelled to quit my job, and did quit, because of being harshly alienated and ostracized by my colleagues. As far as I can tell after hundreds of sleepless nights, my worst crimes are being opinionated, occasionally argumentative, and often depressed. But whatever good accomplishments I bring to the table are irrelevant. I never fit in anywhere, am never fully accepted for who I am (except by my wife for some reason), and am always made to feel I'm not good enough at getting along and fitting in.
My brain tells me over and over that everyone would be better off without me, including my beautiful but deluded wife. That all I do is drag other people down, and make life hard for them. I try not to, I really try hard, but it happens anyway, because...
Because I am just not fit for this world.
If my wife didn't love me, I would have caught the bus years ago. But if only one person in the world accepts me, is that really sufficient? What happens when she wises up and dumps my sorry ass? What happens now that I have zero income because I had to quit my job and now months later there's a pandemic and no work? Even if I did get work, it'd be the same. I've tried incredibly hard to just fit in. But invariably I am bullied, then I fight back, then I'm alienated and ostracized. Am I the victim or the villain? Who fucking cares.
And my brain wants me dead. It screams at me: I suck at being a person and need to die. Die, you hopeless misfit, it says. Die!
