Venting Archness Vent 2

[Archness]

I always feel so dissociated and alien. It's already outright impossible to connect with others, and I'm even disconnected from myself. When people tell me to "Talk about myself", or "Describe myself", I'm silent. There isn't an answer I could generate, I observe, stumble, throw out random elements until I come up what THEY want to hear in that instance.

That's my autism. Can't relate, Can't connect, & Can't be understood. Alone, now and forever. The "Advise" is to just stop thinking this way and it'll just go away. Such advice is just trash-tier, I've done it all before, denied reality, even said I had "Many Friends", but in the end, we were merely acquaintances, I was the damn jester everyone forgets about outside of school, thinking I somehow knew these people or had any actual connection. Stupid. Maybe I should combine the simpleton's advice with simpleton's action, like going x-y-z and "It happens", doing X, following a script like a robot... and "It happens". It won't just "happen", it won't even happen at all.

Then, I look at my old writings and old pictures and somewhat don't like them, if it from long ago enough it isn't a problem as it's just "Another Person", but I still dislike viewing it. Seeing myself in the mirror, I stare a bit, like seeing a character in a game, but this is the "Real" me? I feel more like an isolated soul on my computer to-be-fair. Identity, feelings, memories, almost like a dream, my sense of time is fucked. I- I- I....

Even researching dissociation, I dislike it, I can't help but look away, it hits too close to home. I just wish to really disappear forever.

 

[Apokryphiel]

When people tell me to "Talk about myself", or "Describe myself", I'm silent. There isn't an answer I could generate

This part hits hard. It's like you 'know' yourself, but you could just never figure out in a million years how to make yourself known to others. It's isolating.

I hope your suffering comes to an ease soon.