You are not a coward. You are the exact opposite of a coward, in fact. You are brave for continuing your life when all you want to do is leave. The fact that you are still with us means a lot to the people here. You sound like you have had a rough life and those things can be hard to bounce back from mentally. But, the fact that you still here is a testament to the fact that you are MEANT to be here. Stay strong. Only you can know when your time is right.
some times we can not see how great the life can be for us in the future . I had a plastic surgery in October and I was so determined to CTB because I was thinking that my surgery was botched and the urgeon had destroyed my face . But it was just swelling . I can see a perfect result from that surgery now . There can be the same situation in your life now . There is just a storm in your life and you see darkness around . it will go away and you will see the better face of life . Never be ashamed that you changed your mind . I am happy that you did this and I wish you better days in the future
Never ever think of yourself as a coward for choosing to stay. You have endured many hardships in your life until this point which is only a sign of your strength.
I can understand why you think you're a coward, as ctb might seem as an ultimate jump in the void but it's way more complex than that by the end. It's about how you feel about letting go the only thing that still count to you in the deepest founding principles of your being. It's the most personal thing that you'll get to do consciously in your entire life. Everyone should be able to do that thing in the exact way they want to experience it. It might sound weird but right now I see suicide as like giving a one last present to yourself. You want to find the perfect gift, choose the wrapping paper that you like the most, you want to curl the ribbon with a pair of scissors. Why not even add a little card with a handwrote note, few words well chosen and personal ? You want the place and the moment to be perfect too.
I am truly sorry for your suffering. I feel your pain and wish I could take it from you. I wish that there was something I could do or say that could help you through this easier. Through making this hard decision.. if there's anything I can do or anyone else don't be scared to ask. That's why we're all here. We are all listening to the same song of sadness.
We have similar tastes in music. I too, enjoyed many of Beethoven's sonatas, and one of my favorite ones is also the Moonlight Sonata (3rd movement) as it summarizes the depressing reality of life as well as the torment that one is going through along with it's fury and anger. I can see the anger in one wishing to find peace but unable to.
