Never Free
Student
- Feb 6, 2019
- 177
Been reading the book by suicide anonymous. Parts about apologies. Stuff resurfaced. Was burnt out of apologies at a young age. Still apologize, and not infrequently. Though I try and think it through. Have had coprolalia since a young age, as well as suicide addiction. Am often within myself constantly with myself, as to how to improve. Don't want to end up in a place where what I say can be used against me, or having apologized for something that I can't help. This leads people to think I think am perfect. Do apologize though at times for my part, even when I feel partially justified. Sometimes it helps smooth things over. Though have bad memories of apologizing for saying hateful, immoral, or taboo things. Eventually these would be dismissed. Didn't know why I couldn't help but say some awful things. Became callous, and inward in many respects. People didn't respond well to it either. When it comes to suicide this has effected that. Given my health situation, and false starts don't think I would. Still like my words I feel if I were to apologize I'd just do it again. In many ways this feels justified. Did feel guilty at some point. Though at some point just accepted it. My solution was to shut people out. Suicide has felt inevitable. Know I'm in a state of confusion as to Refeeding syndrome attempts. Though that's similar thinking that lead me to this. Wondering if anyone else has some take, relates, or even some contrasting view of it all. Really in a bad way over this. Think much of it is chemically related to me messing with my nutrition.
