Venting Apathy and Anhedonia

[spanishguy22]

You don't have the right ones...

Drugs that Actually make you interested in things? I dont wanna feel high as much as just enjoying what I do.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

@TheGoodGuy @k75 After seeing this thread I really wanted to come back.

Guys, really anhedonia is the only reason I am killing myself. Not depression. Just as you goodguy, I am not depressed in the sense of intense sadness or wanting to cry. I just gradually started to feels less and less pleasure or enjoyment with the years. First years it was less noticeable. In restrospect though I can see how, ever since the bad shit in school in my past started, a year later I wasnt anymore excited and having tons of fun with games which were sadly my only passion and pass time.
But games were awesome and gladly I would have lived with just that passion. Skyrim was the last game I was excited about. I cant even remember the rush of happiness i felt though, when first buying the game seeing it on the shelf.
I played it 200 hours and then I couldnt find the Joy anymore. I was 14 then. It was the last year i felt anything like that.
I like to call it the childhood feeling.

Anhedonia took it all away from me.
Im 22. From 12 to 14 I gradually enjoyed less the games but I still enjoyed it a lot.
15 years old not knowing yet depression was even a thing I though that games were staring to be point less and I though why do I play some pixels if it all just fake (basically I fell in the trap of depression, i tried to rationalize my much lesser enjoyment by thinking its because its just pixels, same for sex and porn a bit later, I saw it as just mammals doing an act instead of the explosión of chemicals in the brain I had when watching it at 12 for example)

Now with every year a big chunk of Joy just left and after 18 everything just was a chore to do.
Mental break down at 19 and here I am at 22.
5 years of pure boredom torture that most people are Lucky to never experience. I Wonder why it had to be me.
My grandma was the same and my uncle ctb at my age I Wonder if he had this.
Im just jealous and in rage of others being able to enjoy things fine, even los of people here enjoy a lot of things.
I just stare at the bed and force myself to watch twitch or recently started porn again even if my enjoyment isnt no where near how it was just to fill one hour more a Day and it helps but its all so fuckin cruel and painful that its what makes me depressed and sad and angry about my unlucky past and genes.

My suicide is becausw of anhedonia. Not being sad. Most people wont ever realise the torture of not finding JOY in anything. Or the pain of seeing everything you enjoyed once go away forever until you decide to put a shotgun to your chest or drink a poison.
As all stupid depression Treatments nowadays do fuckall for Anhedonia AND just make you numb which I already am without meds. I have no hope left really after knowing the misery of life my grandmather had (stuffed to the core with ssris, she was so dead inside she once had to be intervened because she couldnt even have the energy to go the bathroom to defecate for weeks at a time) and my uncle who Also ctb.

If you guys find something in the meantime it would be nice to share. We are few and should help eachother.
Im trying ketamine right now and mushrooms but its just to make everything more tolerable til I decide how to ctb.

Pd: excuse the typo my spanish keyboard keeps correcting words. I need to change setting

I definitely can relate to what you are saying and I feel almost the exact same way and I am glad you enjoyed Pokemon Gold Gen 2 that was seriously the best game ever imo I think I got it at like 7 years old it was so much fun and adventure.

My apathy and anhedonia also happened gradually I usually say I had depression from I was in the start of 14 to 20½ and from 20½ my apathy started even at 22 years old I could still feel some nostalgia but was still apathetic towards everything but not as extreme as now it´s hard to explain but apathy just got worse by each passing year I am 25 years old now I just wish I could go back to have depression like when I was 19 to still feel the teenage hormones rushing through my body, being able to truly feel nostalgia so intensely as I did back then and my physical problems werent as bad and I could still use weed now it just gives me anxiety so I can´t cope with anything.

I also wanted to try Ketamine but because of my throat problem and allergies I can´t use it I hate my defect body!

I got this crazy idea a few months ago that I could maybe reset my brain somehow if I kind of started over and retraced my steps to liking some of what I've lost. (I don't know if this will make any sense at all to anyone who isn't me.)

I thought maybe if I started replaying old games from my childhood, and watching movies and anime and read books from back then that sparked my love of those things, I could learn to enjoy them all over again. I was going to progress through the years of things that were my favorites until I was caught up to now. I thought maybe it would rekindle something. Maybe I'll never know, because my ability to focus is shit and I couldn't stick with it. But it seemed like a way out.

I do the same thing it doesn´t help I just desperately try to recreate that amazing experience it was to play these magnificent games I played as a child like recently I have been playing Medal of Honor Allied Assault (my first ever fps game), GTA San Andreas and some Sims 2

 

[spanishguy22]

I definitely can relate to what you are saying and I feel almost the exact same way and I am glad you enjoyed Pokemon Gold Gen 2 that was seriously the best game ever imo I think I got it at like 7 years old it was so much fun and adventure.

My apathy and anhedonia also happened gradually I usually say I had depression from I was in the start of 14 to 20½ and from 20½ my apathy started even at 22 years old I could still feel some nostalgia but was still apathetic towards everything but not as extreme as now it´s hard to explain but apathy just got worse by each passing year I am 25 years old now I just wish I could go back to have depression like when I was 19 to still feel the teenage hormones rushing through my body, being able to truly feel nostalgia so intensely as I did back then and my physical problems werent as bad and I could still use weed now it just gives me anxiety so I can´t cope with anything.

I also wanted to try Ketamine but because of my throat problem and allergies I can´t use it I hate my defect body!

It sucks nobody should ever experience this shit tbh worst thing about it is the human lifespan is way too fuckin long so we have to ctb or we have a life time of suffering that noone gets its all just injustice to the next level.

If you feel ok to talk about it do you recall what triggered your depression? Like werw you very stressed with people or life itself or did it just come out of the blue?
Mine came from a lot of stress.
But i Wonder if i would have got it Maybe just for my genes. Itd make me feel better in a way i guess. Knowing i was just screwed since the start

Used ket yestweday first time and today i still feel like shit but its just been one Day I guess.
ID like to try weed but Im afraid of legal issues or triggering mental psychosis. Looking into tramadol and codeine to feel something as opiods are part of that happiness feeling we dont produce anymore

 

[TheGoodGuy]

It sucks nobody should ever experience this shit tbh worst thing about it is the human lifespan is way too fuckin long so we have to ctb or we have a life time of suffering that noone gets its all just injustice to the next level.

If you feel ok to talk about it do you recall what triggered your depression? Like werw you very stressed with people or life itself or did it just come out of the blue?
Mine came from a lot of stress.
But i Wonder if i would have got it Maybe just for my genes. Itd make me feel better in a way i guess. Knowing i was just screwed since the start

Used ket yestweday first time and today i still feel like shit but its just been one Day I guess.
ID like to try weed but Im afraid of legal issues or triggering mental psychosis. Looking into tramadol and codeine to feel something as opiods are part of that happiness feeling we dont produce anymore

Yeah it´s going to be a long miserable life if we don´t ctb now that is another thing that makes me angry at the universe while there are 60 year olds with better life quality and healthier bodies than me it´s so unfair why should my social life end at 17yo and apathy and physical problems rob me from a life at 20 years old it´s so unfair!
And as you said before too about jealousy I am so jealous of all the people who are able to still have copes even people on this forum who are looking forwards to stuff i.e. they feel excitement over a new movie, tv show, video game etc. while I can´t at least they can still enjoy a few things because they don´t experience apathy I can´t even enjoy food because of my throat problem!

 

[Life sucks]

Excersices are not necessary as the target is to release endorphins which can be done by alternatives. Endorphins alone are incomplete and give a fake happiness period.
I think anhedonia itself is complicated and when we describe it, its paradoxical. While we don't feel at all but deep inside us, the feelings are suppressed, that's why one wants to escape it and hate it.

For ways, actually there are many ideas but I think everyone is different so what works for one probably won't have the same effect for others. My hypothesis is that brain gets overheating and it hurts the brain and can trigger anhedonia and other stuff. When one is depressed, thinking happens much more so the brain gets overused and thus produce heat. I'm not saying its the only reason but one of them.

Today I was able to be better for little time by putting cold water on myself. Was nice to enjoy some songs for a short time.

 

[b12ruinedme]

I kind of feel the same way: Brain dead, but not literally. The sad truth is people like us will never be helped. If you're brain is ruined, you're kind of fucked. Do you know how little is known about how our brains work relative to other parts of our body? It's so complex. Are people with depression really depressed? Do people with ptsd always have ptsd? What is bipolar disorder? WE DON'T KNOW. We look at symptoms and categorize it as mental illness. Is there a distinction between mental and physical illness? not always imo. You can't see all the levels of brain damage on an mri. You can't see the neurons that have been burned away. After a while, you can't really remember who you used to be... You can't compare. You could have been a math genius in high school, turn up to a doctors office with an IQ of 85 at 35 years old and he'll tell you it's normal and there's nothing wrong with you. Something happened... Brain health is very important.

 

[spanishguy22]

I kind of feel the same way: Brain dead, but not literally. The sad truth is people like us will never be helped. If you're brain is ruined, you're kind of fucked. Do you know how little is known about how our brains work relative to other parts of our body? It's so complex. Are people with depression really depressed? Do people with ptsd always have ptsd? What is bipolar disorder? WE DON'T KNOW. We look at symptoms and categorize it as mental illness. Is there a distinction between mental and physical illness? not always imo. You can't see all the levels of brain damage on an mri. You can't see the neurons that have been burned away. After a while, you can't really remember who you used to be... You can't compare. You could have been a math genius in high school, turn up to a doctors office with an IQ of 85 at 35 years old and he'll tell you it's normal and there's nothing wrong with you. Something happened... Brain health is very important.

True true...
and mental illness is brain illness, and the brain is part of oue physical form so yeah, its a physical illness. Who knows if theres some ill intent in the separation of the two, wouldn't surprise me.
The crushing difference is one doesnt cure itself like a wound or broken bone does.

 

[Blackjack]

I didn't even know Anhedonia was a thing. Fascinating reading all of this. Can't imagine how difficult it is to deal with. Y'all have my sympathies.

 

[irrelevant_string]

I have the same problem. I think it started with my trying to trivialize everything that bothered me in terms of its objective reality, disregarding my personal feelings towards it. Then I guess it naturally morphed into a habit of reducing everything in my mind to its constituent parts, pleasant or unpleasant, until it completely loses its appeal.
Now I have to apply conscious effort not to think like that anymore. Or perhaps it came after I've developed severe anhedonia as a way to rationalize and deal with it as soneone already mentioned. I don't really know anymore, my memory is also progressively worse.

I find myself more motivated to avoid negatives than gain any positives, although any kind of motivation is becoming a scarce resource. Most of the things I do are consciously calculated to produce an effect but it rarely works and I don't know what my frame of reference for making decisions should be anymore.
Even in those rare fleeting moments of relief I remind myself of how truly fleeting they are, and how they leave me even more dissatisfied after they're gone, so they quickly lose any apeal.

And now that I'd stopped taking antidepressants, I have lost the motivation to even get all the supplies for a peaceful death.
It's as if there's a threshhold on both ends of the mood spectrum, and you have to be somewhere in between in order to commit suicide.
What a joke consciousness is... What's the advantage of this phenomenon? Nature, am I a joke to you?

 

[262653]

It's as if there's a threshhold on both ends of the mood spectrum, and you have to be somewhere in between in order to commit suicide.

I think I have completely lost you here. What are these ends? Isn't the middleground the most stable state?

 

[irrelevant_string]

@Burzolog
Right... I forgot that the mood spectrum includes manic states as well. I considered the spectrum in terms of how desirable a specific kind of mood is, having therefore the most stable one at the far end(for me at least).
Well, technically the theoretical upper bound can be above the practical maximum and still be correct(because it's just a bound), so if I consider ends(which aren't really well defined either) as bounds it still holds. But you're right, it could be more tightly bound and lowered to slightly below the middle point if we're considering it as truly representing moods and not their desirability.
Okay, I lost the train of thoughts. I'm just trying to come up with an excuse for my incorrect use of words :)

 

[mnjkl]

Drugs that Actually make you interested in things? I dont wanna feel high as much as just enjoying what I do.

Have you tried mushrooms? It's no cure but In my experience they made me care more about things, and they are fairly harmless so worth a try.

 

[Life sucks]

I think anhedonia itself has multiple types and they can alternate in the same person. The more I think and observe, the more I discover about it but at the end, nothing consistently work and I get lost because its overwhelming amount of observations. Time? Temperature? Body? Location? All of them and more play a part. Its like the brain reward system gets affected by a big amount of things and sadly its get negatively affected more than positively. For example, life and dealing with toxic humans trigger anhedonia, specially things like arguments. If you are already anhedonic, you wont notice that but if you are not, it'll make you anhedonic. Losing in something and getting no reward or being frustrated can cause it because the brain won't care anymore because much effort happened for no result.
What I notice also is anhedonia acts like a cage or a prison, in extreme anhedonic situations, one might eat or have sexual activities/masturbate irregularly as a reaction trying to open this cage. One also might do irrational things out of what one do naturally.
Pain and painful depression are preferable over anhedonia. The truth is, while anhedonia can occur within depression, it can be ignored as pain will form a distraction. Pain can also migtate it and thus, the brain gets tricked and things get pleasurable during depressive and painful periods. Personally, I have at least two states, I describe them as white and black. The black is depression and pain, it is extremely painful but I can do something, the brain is amused with pain (not that pain is a good thing) and activities. The white one is anhedonia and is about emptiness, it has a different burning pain sometimes and even if the pain reduced, its ugly as hell making me want the black state again.
I think when brain works somehow, it creates the black state and when it stops, white state happens. So its something like a loop.
I think I'm fucked up anyway and there is no real solution but struggling and trying different things. I think this is a big part of why I want to ctb. Because even if I try to live and distract myself with my hobbies, this shit will happen again.

 

[262653]

Right... I forgot that the mood spectrum includes manic states as well.

But you're right, it could be more tightly bound and lowered to slightly below the middle point if we're considering it as truly representing moods and not their desirability.

Eh, I don't think I had implied that. Otherwise I probably would have understood it. What it more looks like is that you gave me credit for your own train of thought whilst my words just set it off.

Why did you stop taking antidepressants?

 

[irrelevant_string]

Eh, I don't think I had implied that. Otherwise I probably would have understood it. What it more looks like is that you gave me credit for your own train of thought whilst my words just set it off.

But it was a good point. You should give yourself more credit.

Why did you stop taking antidepressants?

At first I wasn't sure whether they were effective at all and I had extreme difficulty concentrating, I would take hours to solve a simple problem which bothered me a lot, so I thought that it might not be worth experimenting with what little I have left of my cognition.
I also had terrible mood swings, which is probably worse than a constantly low mood because there's no time to adapt. My appetite increased and I started craving sugar a lot, which is annoying and a huge distraction.

I was overthinking it. And now... my ability to concentrate is even worse. Turns out, it's not antidepressants, I'm just broken. My appetite is almost non existent which again leads to problems. And I'm a miserable wreck.
So yeah people, don't just quit on your antidepressants if you don't know what you're doing like me.
(Sorry for the rant).

 

[stormrOzzy]

TLDR; I have for 5 years been apathetic and have anhedonia so I don´t feel any emotion not happiness, sadness, not even excitement or pleasure, every day feels like the same over and over year after year I have no freinds, no hobbies, or passions because of the said apathy and anhedonia life is so boring

Anyone else experience this? After my depression went away at 20½ years old I started to become more apathetic and also developed anhedonia I have for the last 5 years not been able to feel any emotions I don´t feel happy, sad, not even excitement, I find no joy or pleasure in doing anything even sexual pleasure such as masturbation feels so boring like the penis has 4000 nerves but it feels as if I only have maybe 50 nerves left and my testosterone levels are normal and can get an erection no problem it´s just I am so apathetic towards the feeling of sexual stimulation.

And the same for everything else, EVERYTHING is boring I don´t even enjoy video games anymore and I have games since I was a child playing PS1, PS2, Nintendo Gameboy Color and PC everything just sucks now. I don´t have depression I used to have that from 14-20½ so I know how that feels and with depression I used to truly FEEL everything so intense especially the sadness now I don´t feel anything.

Also every day is the same I go to bed and wake up the same time every day and eat the same food almost every day because my allergies and throat problem, I can´t cope with drugs because of my allergies and because my brain is weird so drugs don´t work properly I just get anxiety from them, I used to be able to smoke a ton of weed in my teens although because of my pollen allergies it made it even harder for me to eat and when I tried it some months ago I just got anxiety.

Time also go so fast! I made a vlog which felt like only 2 days ago but found out it was 13 days the last year has felt like maybe a couple months at most. Every day is the same I don´t feel any emotions I don´t have any friends the last time I "hung out with a friend" was a year ago and that was when I lived with my brother so I saw some "friends" when they visited him the only people I "hang out with" is my family at birthdays, Christmas or New Years Eve.

Life used to be a wonderful adventure full of so much fun and/or excitement even in my teens where life was horrible because depression but life was still exciting and I had friends and could use some drugs e.g. Cannabis and have a good time.

I really hope at least 1 person feel the same way because no one else will be able to understand many will ignorantly say that I suffer from depression but again I used to have depression and this is nothing like it I actually wish I had depression still because it was an amazing drive to rope because of all the emotions but now I just don´t feel anything it´s like I am an empty shell of the person I once was.

This is exactly the point I am afraid to reach. And I feel like he's around, every day that goes by is the same, waking up, feeling sad and smoking. I'm stoned all day because it's still one of the only things that makes me "happy".
I'm so tired.
Everything is getting boring and emotionless and I don't see a way out.
I don't see that I'll escape all this shit.
It's like waiting for death to knock on your door.

I got this crazy idea a few months ago that I could maybe reset my brain somehow if I kind of started over and retraced my steps to liking some of what I've lost. (I don't know if this will make any sense at all to anyone who isn't me.)

I thought maybe if I started replaying old games from my childhood, and watching movies and anime and read books from back then that sparked my love of those things, I could learn to enjoy them all over again. I was going to progress through the years of things that were my favorites until I was caught up to now. I thought maybe it would rekindle something. Maybe I'll never know, because my ability to focus is shit and I couldn't stick with it. But it seemed like a way out.

I'm trying to do this with the songs, I went back to listening to the songs I used to listen to in the past and realized that they give me excitement, so I'm enjoying this moment.

 

[The-end-is-here]

But I can´t, drugs doesn´t work properly on me.

U tried finasteride or accutane? Or any other hormonal meds. They can also cause this state.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

U tried finasteride or accutane? Or any other hormonal meds. They can also cause this state.

No the only one I use is a steroid creme called hydrocortison and the brandname is Locoid I have used this for my psoriasis for 10 years.

 

[The-end-is-here]

No the only one I use is a steroid creme called hydrocortison and the brandname is Locoid I have used this for my psoriasis for 10 years.

Yeah there u go. These shits disrupt your endocrine system, resulting in awfull anhedonia. The fact that u do not react normal to drugs anymore is a big sign of something like this being the cause.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Yeah there u go. These shits disrupt your endocrine system, resulting in awfull anhedonia. The fact that u do not react normal to drugs anymore is a big sign of something like this being the cause.

I doubt this is the reason, I used this stuff from 15-19 and wasn´t apathetic back then I still had passions, dreams, could feel excitement and sadness and have fun.

 

[The-end-is-here]

I doubt this is the reason, I used this stuff from 15-19 and wasn´t apathetic back then I still had passions, dreams, could feel excitement and sadness and have fun.

Well, these things can sprout later on. People with finasteride for example sometimes get this after 10 years use. U should draw your own conclusions ofcourse, but the fact u don't react to drugs anymore is a major sign. This is what happens to all with similair syndroms. PSSD, PFS, PAS. Might want to look into it. good luck

 

[sadgirl2002]

I honestly feel like I'm starting to feel like this. When I am doing something, I think to myself "do I actually enjoy this?", I went for my walk earlier today and the thought had crossed my mind when I came home. I feel like I'm forcing myself to do things such as watching tv shows or films for example. I think I like my dance lessons but do I really like it? I think I don't even like doing any of this and that I'm only doing these things because of the situation I'm in. Last year, I spent the months laying in bed all day, being on my phone watching tv shows just to distract myself until my ctb date. I would lay there, staring at the ceiling or out my window, doing nothing. I wish I could do nothing again. I don't think I enjoy anything anymore, especially since I'm questioning whether I enjoy it or not. I'm honestly forcing myself to do all of this, that's how I feel anyway. I know this is not who I am.

 

[Life sucks]

Tried cooling my head and body and it works for me. I think anhedonia has multiple states or a spectrum. There is the type that actively prevent you from doing anything, like a negative force that prevents you from doing anything (not neutral). Sometimes I have this type, cooling the body (specially chest) and head (specially Scalp which is the most important place to cool) worked for me. I don't know why but probably my theory of heat is true somehow. The negative force can be migitated and distracted by the cold. Also I think one should be hydrated because it helps (again don't know the exact reason). I noticed an improvement and today I was able to enjoy some stuff (you have to physically cool yourself and not relying on cold room or weather). Cold water work very well. I think even if you are a still anhedonic, the negative force will be reduced.

I don't know if it will work for anyone but it worked for me and I just wanted to share the experience. The downside is the need to do it routinely and whenever you start feeling anhedonic again or an increase in temperature (which leads to anhedonia). At least I found some way that work like a temporary med.

Honestly I still have no idea how to apply it more effectively. I forgot to say that making the Scalp wet is more effective for cooling than dry one.

Sorry if what I said is not understood. Its not a recommendation also. Just my experience based on my analysis and results.