Venting Anyone wish they could talk truthfully with those around them?

[justventingmaybe9]

I don't have anyone that I can share this with without major consequences. Wish I could talk to those closest. Just venting, for now. Thanks for reading.

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Sorry I could not take it any longer. Thank you for reading.
Mom and dad. You were a product of your environment and did the best you could. Cant imagine your nightmares. Know that there is nothing more you could have done that would have changed the events.
Sister. You were the only one to defend me, ever. Sorry I was too broken to return the favor. Hope that your life gives you everything you need and want.
Brother. You must learn from my mistakes. Or not. Do what makes you happy in life as every second is gone forever as soon as it happens.
Wife, my family, my love. The moment I learned that I could be loved by another person my heart was yours. Every fiber of my being dreamed of a better life for you and us. If only we had met before the point of no return.

Love you all, forever

 

[sadsadinfp]

Those closest to you can and do betray you, unfortunately, and in this modern world the old loyalties, to family, neighbour, God, king, etc. don't mean much anymore. If I'd talked to my family years ago I might not be in the situation I'm in now, but at the same time, it could also have been even worse. At any rate I was never able to trust them so it's a moot point.

I'm sorry for your suffering, justventingmaybe9.

 

[LifeOver]

I wish I could truthfully tell my parents I want to ctb and they'll let me exit while being surrounded by love just like those from Exit International undergoing euthanasia, but obviously this is not possible.

 

[pole]

I wish I could truthfully tell my parents I want to ctb and they'll let me exit while being surrounded by love just like those from Exit International undergoing euthanasia, but obviously this is not possible.

ventings tough to people around you. but its moreso of me being unable to do so, then them being there or not. i just dont feel comfortable, or i feel like a headache to others; let alone, not knowing if someone has the energy to absorb the negative energy from another persons problems and be able to maintain the problems and weight of themselves and someone elses at the same time.

only time i really opened up to someone was a bestfriend, and he hurt me that very same night. so theres that.

 

[Partial-Elf]

I've tested the waters a bit and told my brother and therapist and ex girlfriend and a stranger at a bar that I had suicidal thoughts.

My experience has been that they might be good listeners and concerned, but that it doesn't lead to anything productive. It's normally "well, if it gets too bad, make sure you call someone..." or just silent listening with hugs. Of course, I never told them all the details: that I have a noose and have practiced hundreds of times or that I'm in the process of buying a shotgun and know what cabin I would use.

Everything I read about people that successfully commit suicide says that they don't tell anyone, so I'm trying not to tell any more people.

The thing is that I can conceive of a vivid and meaningful life had I made other decisions along the way, but it didn't happen like that and now I'm trapped in a life I don't want.

 

[Lookingforabus]

I've tested the waters a bit and told my brother and therapist and ex girlfriend and a stranger at a bar that I had suicidal thoughts.

My experience has been that they might be good listeners and concerned, but that it doesn't lead to anything productive.

Basically. If my problems were small enough that talking fixed them, I wouldn't be wanting to kill myself, would I?

Everything I read about people that successfully commit suicide says that they don't tell anyone

Certainly, if you go around saying "I'm going to kill myself", you'll end up in a psych ward and have a much harder time pulling it off, but in more general terms, like talking about feeling suicidal or having suicidal ideation, that's not necessarily the case. The issue with telling someone you're suicidal is that there's a risk of being involuntarily sent to a psych ward or mental health facility as a danger to yourself. And as you experienced, talking about it doesn't lead to anything productive for most suicidal folks, but it does generally upset those you're close to, so... why do it?

Typically, though, suicidal people do talk about it, at least once (which is why it's a risk factor the suicide prevention folks mention), so it's not the case that people who successfully commit suicide have never talked about it, it's just that we learn that it doesn't help and carries risks so experienced suicidal folks don't talk about it after learning our lesson from having talked about it previously.

 

[bath salts]

I've tried so many times. I've talked to cps, social workers, guidance counsellors, hospital staff, therapists, anyone. People don't care about me, and they never have. Brings me closer to the brink of death knowing that I am so utterly alone and helpless. I cry thinking about these times because I feel so completely stuck in this horrible horrible life. All my friends think I'm joking or they just don't care. Luckily for me, I'm leaving soon. Just wish my life had at least a few happy moments. The woes of dying young lol.

 

[Worndown]

I don't think we do truthful anymore. Most times it will make the listener uncomfortable. They will either shut down or grossly overreact to make it seem like they are helping the situation. We are all or nothing these days.

This site is where your voice can be heard and honest answers received.

 

[HGL91]

Those closest to you can and do betray you, unfortunately, and in this modern world the old loyalties, to family, neighbour, God, king, etc. don't mean much anymore. If I'd talked to my family years ago I might not be in the situation I'm in now, but at the same time, it could also have been even worse. At any rate I was never able to trust them so it's a moot point.

I'm sorry for your suffering, justventingmaybe9.

I agree. I was born in '91 and I remember even the 90s being a much better time than now. Doctors actually tried to help their patients. Strangers offered to jump a car that was stuck on the side of the road. Even in early 2000s, when I lost my parking ticket to exit the parking structure, the parking ticket associate kindly let me go through without paying the $20 fee.

Now, I go to a store and ask a sales associate if they have anymore of something in the stock room and they say "No.", with zero expression, and walk away. Ok, cool dude. Thanks for not doing your job!

 

[Baskol1]

I agree. I was born in '91 and I remember even the 90s being a much better time than now. Doctors actually tried to help their patients. Strangers offered to jump a car that was stuck on the side of the road. Even in early 2000s, when I lost my parking ticket to exit the parking structure, the parking ticket associate kindly let me go through without paying the $20 fee.

Now, I go to a store and ask a sales associate if they have anymore of something in the stock room and they say "No.", with zero expression, and walk away. Ok, cool dude. Thanks for not doing your job!

Yes it seems people become more rude, but thats probably because many are more stressed. As i said technology should improve our lives, not make it more stressful.

 

[RM5998]

I'm much less reserved about my desire to CTB these days, knowing that there's pretty much no chance of anyone interfering.

 

[thisplaceisaprison]

Yeah, I've been honest with my family, at least my parents and then my sister because I thought that maybe they would understand. Maybe it wouldn't be as upsetting if I was able to explain it to them. Maybe if I could answer questions they would be left asking if I didn't tell them. I'd say that my sister responded with the most kindness and understanding. I hadn't talked to my dad in awhile before I was hospitalized, so I told my mom and granted, I get it. She was all over the place about it, it's not been my first attempt, but I hadn't had one since I was 17, but she was like, "well, anyone would be suicidal if they do what you do" and that just made me feel like shit because well, I know. That's why I would like to.. If I did things differently in the past (and I stg the most annoying thing is hearing I could start now and that everybody makes mistakes) then called the police to take me to the hospital or I could go voluntarily. Mostly a mix of being angry and upset since then and then it just kind of slides back under the rug like everything else ever has. My dad was really sad and he's tried to be really understanding. But, yeah. I wish that they would understand that I don't really want for anything else besides for it to be over peacefully and that they were able to be there and know that they did the best they could, that they didn't fail me and that I do love them - that this isn't a sad thing to me, so maybe it wouldn't have to be a sad thing for them. Obviously leading up to it is dragging on though.

 

[HGL91]

I hate when I go to a store and the cashier asks me "How are you?" I wanna be like "Suicidal. How bout yourself?" But of course I just light up with a fake grin and go, "Good! How bout you?"

 

[Baskol1]

I hate when I go to a store and the cashier asks me "How are you?" I wanna be like "Suicidal. How bout yourself?" But of course I just light up with a fake grin and go, "Good! How bout you?"

Yes otherwise you would probably be hospitalized.

 

[HGL91]

Yes otherwise you would probably be hospitalized.

Lol you're probably right. That, or they would just remain quiet and look down, scan my items, say the cost of my purchase, bag the items and routinely say "Have a nice day" in a monotone voice. I'm not gonna take the chance though!

 

[Baskol1]

Lol you're probably right. That, or they would just remain quiet and look down, scan my items, say the cost of my purchase, bag the items and routinely say "Have a nice day" in a monotone voice. I'm not gonna take the chance though!

But were "free".

 

[eve2004]

No, and most people can't have conversatioss about such intense pain with friends and family. It scares them a lot. In fact you'd be lucky to find a therapist who could handle the feelings and emotions of most people on this forum.

So thank you Sanctioned suicide for giving us a place to express what would otherwise build inside and explode self destructively and impulsively way earlier than it might now. (with mixed results).

It's become a real farce to get real professional « talk » help and to be honest with any mental professional, who are supposedly the ones trained to emotionally handle these discussions. Who hasn't had a therapist jump the gun and freak out on you? I feel like both my therapist and psychiatrist have given up on me. They were the only ones I could talk to so now I'll let the loneliness do it's job and in a matter of time I'll expire.

Thank you all for your continuing support, and I will need it for a while to come since I don't want to half-ass this job. Mostly thank for being the only ones I can talk to, it has reduced my anxiety and impulsivity. Love to you all....

 

[Baskol1]

No, and most people can't have conversatioss about such intense pain with friends and family. It scares them a lot. In fact you'd be lucky to find a therapist who could handle the feelings and emotions of most people on this forum.

So thank you Sanctioned suicide for giving us a place to express what would otherwise build inside and explode self destructively and impulsively way earlier than it might now. (with mixed results).

It's become a real farce to get real professional « talk » help and to be honest with any mental professional, who are supposedly the ones trained to emotionally handle these discussions. Who hasn't had a therapist jump the gun and freak out on you? I feel like both my therapist and psychiatrist have given up on me. They were the only ones I could talk to so now I'll let the loneliness do it's job and in a matter of time I'll expire.

Thank you all for your continuing support, and I will need it for a while to come since I don't want to half-ass this job. Mostly thank for being the only ones I can talk to, it has reduced my anxiety and impulsivity. Love to you all....

Some people simply cant be fixed.

 

[Lookingforabus]

I hate when I go to a store and the cashier asks me "How are you?"

"I'm still breathing. You?" is how I respond to that particular question (at least with strangers and acquaintances and such). Gives me a bit of a smile, since everyone seems to take it as a glib little witticism, and no one's figured out what I mean by it.

 

[eve2004]

"I'm still breathing. You?" is how I respond to that particular question (at least with strangers and acquaintances and such). Gives me a bit of a smile, since everyone seems to take it as a glib little witticism, and no one's figured out what I mean by it.

When my psych asks me how I'm doing I can't help but say I'm fine thanks, it just comes out of my mouth so he makes some sarcastic witty remark about whether I'm feeling better or I'm just being polite hahaha.
After some reflexion and reading over this thread, yes sometimes I think if I could be honest about my feelings/wishes then it would not be such a shock when it happens and it may even help that they knew thats what I wanted. Instead most of us are left to simply leave very cryptic hints about future intentions so that the shock would wear off sooner as they went through those last discussions... in any case I've decided to ghost (thanks for the term, whichever age group is responsible for coining it) everyone. No one talks to or sees me daily, no one relies on me and I rely on no one. So its a no-brainer. If only I knew how to IV and snort. In fact I'm even a little irritated that after attempting all my life to learn how to make a hair braid, I still can't...

 

[divinized]

Yes, absolutely. I wish I could just let everything I've been ruminating about melt into someone else so I know I'm not alone. But I can never find the right person and I don't think I'll ever able to. I don't trust anyone.

 

[justventingmaybe9]

Some people simply cant be fixed.

True. But how does one know if they are in that category or just not seeing another way out when even the positive things seem negative? Or is this false hope?

 

[Lookingforabus]

True. But how does one know if they are in that category or just not seeing another way out when even the positive things seem negative? Or is this false hope?

Experience. How long have you felt broken, and what all have you tried to fix it? (Don't need to answer here, just think about it. And to be clear, I'm not talking about terminal diseases or incurable illnesses or like a life in prison, or whatever else is definitely permanent and unfixable - with those, you don't even need experience, everyone knows they're permanent.)

For me, after about 15 years and trying damn near everything under the sun, I knew I couldn't be fixed. I kept going for various, external reasons, but now, another 15 years on, I'm just done. And this time, I won't eff it up.

Not saying everyone (or anyone) should put themselves through a few decades of hell trying everything they can think of, but I would say people should try as many things as they can to make life worthwhile before taking the permanent way out. (Sometimes that thing is mostly waiting - get through school, see if a new job or career helps, see if that broken heart gets better with time, maybe try moving to a new city, that sort of thing.) Once you've tried everything reasonable you can think of without success, and you're sure it's not just a temporary, shitty situation... that just leaves the other conclusion, as far as I'm concerned.

 

[Tabbyql]

Those closest to you can and do betray you, unfortunately, and in this modern world the old loyalties, to family, neighbour, God, king, etc. don't mean much anymore. If I'd talked to my family years ago I might not be in the situation I'm in now, but at the same time, it could also have been even worse. At any rate I was never able to trust them so it's a moot point.

I'm sorry for your suffering, justventingmaybe9.

Yeah same here if I'd told my family when I was a kid what was happening to me I might be different now. But then I highly doubt they would of cared never mind done anything about it.

 

[BPD_LE]

For me, after about 15 years and trying damn near everything under the sun, I knew I couldn't be fixed. I kept going for various, external reasons, but now, another 15 years on, I'm just done. And this time, I won't eff it up.

I'm the same. Been fighting this illness or disorder, whatever you wana call it for 23 years. This past 10 years I've been doing everything I can, 100% into all therapy, tried every prescription under the sun. Seriously, I've fought hard. Now I'm reaching 40 with no kids, no career but with a load of qualifications that are good for nothing. Hope is gone now. I can not be fixed, not convinced I'm broken anyway, this is who I've always been. This is not a life worth living, at least no one can say I didn't try.

 

[RM5998]

Not saying everyone (or anyone) should put themselves through a few decades of hell trying everything they can think of, but I would say people should try as many things as they can to make life worthwhile before taking the permanent way out. (Sometimes that thing is mostly waiting - get through school, see if a new job or career helps, see if that broken heart gets better with time, maybe try moving to a new city, that sort of thing.) Once you've tried everything reasonable you can think of without success, and you're sure it's not just a temporary, shitty situation... that just leaves the other conclusion, as far as I'm concerned.

Any particular reason that you believe one should try out available options? (I've been asking this to everyone who posits this worldview to understand the range of underlying beliefs propelling it. Helps understand more about what the statement actually means.)

 

[BPD_LE]

Any particular reason that you believe one should try out available options? (I've been asking this to everyone who posits this worldview to understand the range of underlying beliefs propelling it. Helps understand more about what the statement actually means.)

For me I guess I always had a spark of hope that if I kept trying then I'd eventually stumble across the answer to happiness. I'd consider myself a very determined person with a lot to offer the world, but it's this disorder that has stolen my life. Still can't believe I'm nearly 40 and only just realised I've been daydreaming my way through existence. That spark of hope is definitely exstiguished now.

 

[Higgy123]

Yes otherwise you would probably be hospitalized.

No one would bat an eyelid in England

 

[BPD_LE]

No one would bat an eyelid in England

So true. You'd have to be half hanging off a bridge before they take notice here.

 

[Higgy123]

So true. You'd have to be half hanging off a bridge before they take notice here.

Yeah seems that way