Anyone wanting to improve their life while being suicidal?

[NocturnalDistortion]

I feel like a hypocrite. I constantly think about hanging myself, but I keep being obsessed about the idea of goals and habits. Unfortunately, I am the laziest person I know so I can't be consistent with anything to save my life or work towards anything. I don't even think I have achieved a single goal. My biggest downfall is my laziness and incompetence, yet I keep deluding myself with ideas of ''how to become this'' ''how to achieve that'' and planning everything I realistically won't even do.

No wonder I feel so hopeless because for anything to become better it needs active effort. I think once the delusions wear off, I will be ready to take the final step and know that, because of my perpetual inactivity that is incredibly typical of me, no hopes or dreams were lost. There were never hopes or dreams that were going to happen if I continued to live.

 

[deny_conformity]

I'm going to the gym every day, eating healthy, and trying to practice good sleep hygiene. I guess my attempts at treating my depression are also going to improve my life .

 

[trying ungracefully]

My therapist told me that I may always feel suicidal. For me sometimes it is just random suicidal thoughts but other times it's my escape, if I can do nothing else at least that is there to get rid of the pain of life.

You may be lazy but that is just a trait it isn't who you are, it can change from behaviors. And I can't tell you how because im still doing it myself but it takes a while. I've still noticed small changes though where I stick to my dentist appointments and I'm doing my exposures as much as I can and going to therapy/group consistently for the help and also for a schedule. Idk if you can do therapy though.

Life is hard and constantly takes effort but a good portion of the population are in the same boat. You need to find things that work for you and it takes time but if you really want to live it is worth it in the end. Either you keep trying now or 5 years in the future you are feeling bad because you didn't try.

Any effort is effort and you are doing good with what you do because even though other people may have an easier time it's a lot for you and that should be a personal accomplishment. I have trouble leaving the house, it's an accomplishment to go on the bus for more than 5 minutes. I feel like shit because other people can do it easily but for me I need to work for it so every little effort is worth it.

 

[RyleIsRiledUp]

Hey, honeyy
I get it, what your going thru is exactly my case too Like you wanna do better but you just cant even get outta your bed.

But listen, it's not "laziness". It's just emotional exhaustion. You brain is like "Brotha, I'm processing like a gazillion shyt rn. can we not do this xyz thing?"
brain is weird like that. So, now after a long while of me rotting in my bed... I've decided to start slowly.

Listen now, sweetie. You dont have to run right now. You're tired, and it's totally okay. You're only human. What do we do then? We go back to crawling for now. It's a start, you're laying irght now, tired and with really ugly thoughts swirling in your head. So, start with mini things. You dun hv to rush perfection. That's just gonna hurt you and tire you out. Let's start slow. Maybe leave your bed for 5 minutes and walk around the room. just do that. stretch your body a lil. If the day is really bad, just wiggle those toes and stretch out. Take those deep breaths to remind yourself that you're here. Keep small goals. "I will do at least 1 hour worth of my work/study/an activity" jsut an hour. And lets say you couldn't complete it, try again. Try again cuz giving up just doesnt help.

I trust you and I believe you can do this. I, with my whole heart, believe in you. I dunno what you're going thru exactly but i can guess it's shitty. so hey take it easy, man. Breathe.

Take care, love<3

 

[Lemonite]

It is like rollercoaster ride. I try to make it better, and do it actively, than i say fuck it and drop everything. It is hard.

 

[Tombadil]

in the last time, i seem to function a lot better. As i now know how to exit and have accepted that i will when i can, it seems to have made an end to a lot of insecurities.
I dont have to think about impossible things like working dead end jobs for retirements savings, i can concentrate on possible things i think.

 

[Panola]

i want, but,...

 

[violetforever]

yeah i'm going to school and probably looking for a job too as soon as i get my own car. i'm just seeing what happens doing this instead of doing nothing like for the past few years. if you're able to, give yourself time like i did. it took a lot for me to work up to the realization of deciding to try.

 

[Laurentj]

certainly, though many people have said and recommended to me to do things without thinking. of course for the past 9 months ive tried that but havent seen any particular improvements cause i too am lazy and incompetent and lack discipline objectively but you could certainly try yourself

 

[Alpacachino]

I work as hard as I can and try to do as much as I can.I work hard at my job, relationships and health/fitness.

I feel that I shouldn't languish or let myself go. I'll try to do my best till the end comes.

 

[slapntickle]

My therapist told me that I may always feel suicidal. For me sometimes it is just random suicidal thoughts but other times it's my escape, if I can do nothing else at least that is there to get rid of the pain of life.

That's actually a really pertinent point. I've never really considered that. I've had suicidal thoughts since really from when I was a young teenager, and obviously I've never acted on them until now. Maybe it's just a case of accepting it for what it is, and trying as hard as I might to get through the bad periods and enjoy the good ones.

I do think though, at the end of the day, it's just personal relationships (be that with friends, family, colleagues, neighbours, romantic partners etc) are the key. Whenever I find myself withdrawing from seeing anyone, that's when the thoughts get their strongest (because I think a lot of what keeps us from CBTing is the fallout for those around us): if I haven't seen person X for a year or so, what's the difference if they never see me again? After a while it gets even harder to get back in touch. I haven't seen my family now for over a year, and I really don't want to see them, but I am going to force myself to because I know I'll feel a bit better afterwards and the suicidal thoughts will lessen.

 

[TheDrape]

Im trying, but it is alooooooooooot of work like aloooooooooot

 

[vyvanceandvodka]

Yes. I've been in the darkness for so long it's like I forgot how to be happy. It's really conflicting.

 

[hitori-bocchi]

I feel like a hypocrite. I constantly think about hanging myself, but I keep being obsessed about the idea of goals and habits. Unfortunately, I am the laziest person I know so I can't be consistent with anything to save my life or work towards anything. I don't even think I have achieved a single goal. My biggest downfall is my laziness and incompetence, yet I keep deluding myself with ideas of ''how to become this'' ''how to achieve that'' and planning everything I realistically won't even do.

No wonder I feel so hopeless because for anything to become better it needs active effort. I think once the delusions wear off, I will be ready to take the final step and know that, because of my perpetual inactivity that is incredibly typical of me, no hopes or dreams were lost. There were never hopes or dreams that were going to happen if I continued to live.

I do not think it's hypocritical to want to do things while not physically being able to. I find myself stuck in thought often to the point of paralysis. What goals did you have in mind? (if you don't mind sharing of course)

For me I really want to get physically strong after being weak my whole life. Sometimes I get sad in my thoughts thinking about how much progress I could've made by now but I also find my ambition fulfilling within itself.

 

[NocturnalDistortion]

I do not think it's hypocritical to want to do things while not physically being able to. I find myself stuck in thought often to the point of paralysis. What goals did you have in mind? (if you don't mind sharing of course)

For me I really want to get physically strong after being weak my whole life. Sometimes I get sad in my thoughts thinking about how much progress I could've made by now but I also find my ambition fulfilling within itself.

My goal is forming good habits in general, it's less about the habits itself than the idea of building discipline and trying to make being consistent my identity. Right now I am deep cleaning my entire room and organizing all items to start fresh though I am at 50%. I still want to leave the earth, but I want to leave as the best version of me that I can be :)

 

[lpdsvm]

Similar to me. I am just afloat until my job or skills become irrelevant and out of demand. When I become useless, I can finally exit. Even if I were to be great, come on, I cannot retire so I will CTB one day. Maybe I won't if I become quite rich to be able to offer anyone I care about a good retirement. I don't want to retire alone. Maybe, 6-10 months Maybe 2-3 years. I don't think anything after there will be anything better for me. I had better things in the past and expect everything to be worse.
I will try looking for some ways to do well. I have a nice method to rely on if I fail.
I want to recover but I cant fit in

 

[hitori-bocchi]

My goal is forming good habits in general, it's less about the habits itself than the idea of building discipline and trying to make being consistent my identity. Right now I am deep cleaning my entire room and organizing all items to start fresh though I am at 50%. I still want to leave the earth, but I want to leave as the best version of me that I can be :)

I am rooting for you! Cleaning is a huge step so even at 50% your ambition is recognized. I also want to leave the earth the best version of myself. If i'm going to die anyways I want to be satisfied.

 

[zdeweilx]

I have phases like that when a part of my kindof wants me to get better. Sadly they never last more than a few days.

 

[turtle2]

Ofc! I've been suicidal for more than a decade, i still try to fix myself. It's almost instinctual. When you're hurt your body will repar itself and create scar tissue, whether you actively want it or not. It's physiology, nothing wrong or right about it.

 

[dollofyarn]

I feel like a hypocrite. I constantly think about hanging myself, but I keep being obsessed about the idea of goals and habits. Unfortunately, I am the laziest person I know so I can't be consistent with anything to save my life or work towards anything. I don't even think I have achieved a single goal. My biggest downfall is my laziness and incompetence, yet I keep deluding myself with ideas of ''how to become this'' ''how to achieve that'' and planning everything I realistically won't even do.

No wonder I feel so hopeless because for anything to become better it needs active effort. I think once the delusions wear off, I will be ready to take the final step and know that, because of my perpetual inactivity that is incredibly typical of me, no hopes or dreams were lost. There were never hopes or dreams that were going to happen if I continued to live.

I really try to but it's so haaaaard! I once read I hope when I die I hope I'm warmed by the life I tried to live, that has been on my mind a lot lately lol
Omg I can't type sorry that doesn't make sense help

 

[chrysalisuponme]

I feel like a hypocrite. I constantly think about hanging myself, but I keep being obsessed about the idea of goals and habits. Unfortunately, I am the laziest person I know so I can't be consistent with anything to save my life or work towards anything. I don't even think I have achieved a single goal. My biggest downfall is my laziness and incompetence, yet I keep deluding myself with ideas of ''how to become this'' ''how to achieve that'' and planning everything I realistically won't even do.

No wonder I feel so hopeless because for anything to become better it needs active effort. I think once the delusions wear off, I will be ready to take the final step and know that, because of my perpetual inactivity that is incredibly typical of me, no hopes or dreams were lost. There were never hopes or dreams that were going to happen if I continued to live.

try to not start with big ideas like this, they will keep you down. Start with anything small and that even you can do when lazy. Try to find the validation and motivation in doing them. Maybe the small things can make you actually feel like you're able to start working towards your bigger dreams. You definitely can