I have BPD. Because of this, I am unable to control my emotions. Yesterday, I ruined my husband's work Christmas party because I was angry (for reasons unbeknownst to me). I embarrassed him in front of his colleagues, and was so rude to his sweet manager.
We left immediately. It felt justified in the moment, but now I feel like a sack of shit.
Today, he has "forgiven" me to an extent, but I know things won't ever be the same between us. I also know I will never be able to show my face at his place of work again.
I am convinced he has truly had it with me and my bullshit, and I feel awful that I am even alive right now. I don't deserve him. He doesn't deserve to be treated like this. I wish I could just find the courage to disappear so he can live a lighter and happier life without me in it.
Sorry, that got pretty long.... :/