permanently tired
Your poison seeps into all my memories
- Nov 8, 2023
- 260
The only time I wasn't living with them was a year for uni and then I dropped out and shit hit the fan. They welcomed me back and are generally concerned for my well-being and know I'm depressed. They don't understand my sentiment though and will give unhelpful advice. I have despised them at one point for the role they played in my depression, but I don't outright hate them currently. I'm mostly detached. I don't want to ctb until I move out for certainty and control over my attempt. I'm planning on going the rope or sn route when I do, though in the event I attempt at home for some reason I will probably go with sn in the middle of the night and hope for the best.
When I ctb, it's probably inevitable they will find out unless I'm in a foreign country and I'm not planning on going to one. They'll cry, have a funeral and visit my grave on occasions. My father visits his parent's grave quite frequently and I imagine he will do the same for me. My mother probably will too, I think she'll try to converse with me like we have in the past. She's the type to sit and stare for a while, wondering. My sister is definitely the silent type, especially when other ppl are around. She won't make her feelings or questions known though perhaps she might if she is alone. I don't know if a friend would visit. Perhaps they'll be saddened by the news though I doubt anyone outside my family has the emotional or temporal availability for me.
When I ctb, it's probably inevitable they will find out unless I'm in a foreign country and I'm not planning on going to one. They'll cry, have a funeral and visit my grave on occasions. My father visits his parent's grave quite frequently and I imagine he will do the same for me. My mother probably will too, I think she'll try to converse with me like we have in the past. She's the type to sit and stare for a while, wondering. My sister is definitely the silent type, especially when other ppl are around. She won't make her feelings or questions known though perhaps she might if she is alone. I don't know if a friend would visit. Perhaps they'll be saddened by the news though I doubt anyone outside my family has the emotional or temporal availability for me.
