Hello
@Thereisnothing,
If you only lost your father right before Christmas, then your loss is very new. You're probably still in shock. My deepest condolences for your loss. I lost my father when I was only 21 in 1990 and it was one of the most horrible experiences of my life.
At least, until October 15th of 2017, when I lost my beloved husband and my reason to live. I can tell you that in the immediate aftermath of my husband's death, which is the more recent one so I remember it better at this point, I was lost for months and months after my husband passed away.
I was in shock for quite a while. I would wander the house that we lived in together aimlessly not knowing what to do. I was desperately searching for any way to end my pain, my confusion, and my shock. And as you described, it was difficult to do every day things like shower, eat, pay bills, and things of that sort. I'm so sorry that you are alone and have no one there to help you. You seem to be going through almost exactly the same thing I did, which is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. My own family has mostly all passed away and my husband's family was no help at all after his death.
In fact, some of them went out of their way to make things as hard on me as they possibly could. And, like you, I also have health issues which make it hard for me to function on top of all the grief and depression.
In time, you may feel better. As I said, I think right now you're probably still in shock and may be this way for a while. Just to be kind to yourself and do whatever you can. Maybe schedule only one task a day and try to do it that way. Unfortunately, I didn't have that luxury because I had a large amount of things to get done and I had to get everything done before I collapsed. I spent the year after my husband died going through his endless amounts of stuff completely alone, while at the same time going through my own stuff and trying to pack everything up so that I could move. I couldn't bear to live in the house that I lived in with him surrounded by his things. It was like torture for me. Even something like going out to the mailbox was torture because every time I got a piece of mail with his name on it, it would just upset me all over again. And I had to make endless amounts of phone calls canceling various accounts that he had, I had to go through his closets and give away items that he owned, and try to sell items that he owned if I thought I could get any money for them. I had to make all kinds of decisions about things when I was in no condition to do so, but I had to do it all by myself because there was no one around who was willing to help me. It was a complete and total nightmare and one of the most difficult and exhausting things I've ever had to do. I'm still recovering from it and it's been a year and a half since I moved to where I am now.
I would tell you to just take it easy and do one task at a time, if that is possible. If all you can do one day is take a shower, then just do that. Unfortunately, for myself, I haven't gotten that much better with time. However, my husband's death affected every part of my life and blew it completely apart. It can never be put back together in any way that would make me want to continue living. Living without my husband is too painful and difficult for me. However, your situation may be different. You may have a chance to feel better once you get over your shock. There's no definite timeline to say when a person will get over the shock because there are so many things involved with it. It probably depends on how close you were with your father and how many areas of your life his death has affected. Were you dependent on him for money? Were you around him every day?
I think the more dependent you were on him and the more used to being around him you were, the longer it will take for you to get over the shock and start feeling a little bit better again. If you can afford it, you might try online therapy. Right after my husband passed away, I found an online therapist and talked to her for about a year after my husband died. In my case, it wasn't very helpful, but it could be helpful in your case. You never know until you try.
I have many of the same issues you describe. I hide in the house and have severe agoraphobia much of the time. I only go and get my mail once a week, if that. I try to group things together. If I have to go to the grocery store, I spend days writing a long list so that I can get everything I need in one trip and not have to go back for weeks at a time. If I have to go outside my house, I try to wait until I'm going to have other things that I have to do, such as putting my trash cans out. I wait to get my mail on the same day that I have to go out anyway to put my trash cans out for trash pick up the next day. Then the next day, I have to go out and pull the trash cans back in, so I do the same thing, I wait until late in the day after my mail has been delivered and then I get my mail and pull the trash cans in at the same time. It's also very traumatic for me to have to answer the door or the phone.
I also have severe PTSD and I don't like loud noises, like the phone suddenly ringing out of nowhere. I keep the ringer on my phone shut off. Yes, sometimes I miss phone calls, but that's a price I'm willing to pay to not have the phone ring and scare the hell out of me. Most of the time, I don't want to talk to whoever is calling me anyway. I usually let the voicemail take the call and then I listen to the voicemail and decide if I want to speak to the person or not. If I want speak to them, then I call them back. I hardly ever just answer the phone when it rings. I don't like things happening out of nowhere without any warning. I don't like unexpected visitors or unexpected phone calls. I like to have a warning before something happens.
I will continue thinking about your situation and if I come up with any other ideas of things you could do that might help you, I will come back to this thread and let you know about them. Once again, my deepest sympathy and condolences for the loss of your father. I'm sending you hugs and lots of love.
