Anyone lost the ability to feel suffering since he planned suicide ?

[Suicideisnirvana]

It's weird but i've noticed lately that since i've planned my suicide, i lost my ability to feel suffering. To be fair, it's just because I'M SURE i will CTB soon, so i can't use that new power to go on living, the moment any doubt is instilled in my mind that CTB isn't an option, panick, fear, and depression will come again.

I think meditation did help a bit, but also a realization i made, it's a very simple realization, so simple it seems dumb, the only difference is that this time i didn't realize it intellectually, but intuitively, at the gut level.

This realization amounts to this "Whatever i'm going through, even in the worse circumstances, even if i'm a serial killer full of guilt/suffering and fear purchased by the police and risking life in prison, there is a way to make the suffering worse, and a way to lessens it, overthinking always make it worse, worrying always make it worse"

So i feel a kind of lasting peace now, my mind realizes this and try to present me some anxious/depressing thought, but strangely it doesn't work anymore, since i know it's temporary, it losed its power over me. I can watch movies, read books and go out on walk in complete peace not despite planning a suicide soon, but mainly BECAUSE i'm planning suicide soon. It's very hard to explain but i realized i don't have to let my ideas and plans feel dramatic/important, i can plan suicide and smile and watch a movie before it, all i have is continue tricking myself till i drink Nembutal, and then no suffering anymore, and so far it's working like a charm.

 

[Smilla]

It's weird but i've noticed lately that since i've planned my suicide, i lost my ability to feel suffering. To be fair, it's just because I'M SURE i will CTB soon, so i can't use that new power to go on living, the moment any doubt is instilled in my mind that CTB isn't an option, panick, fear, and depression will come again.

I think meditation did help a bit, but also a realization i made, it's a very simple realization, so simple it seems dumb, the only difference is that this time i didn't realize it intellectually, but intuitively, at the gut level.

This realization amounts to this "Whatever i'm going through, even in the worse circumstances, even if i'm a serial killer full of guilt/suffering and fear purchased by the police and risking life in prison, there is a way to make the suffering worse, and a way to lessens it, overthinking always make it worse, worrying always make it worse"

So i feel a kind of lasting peace now, my mind realizes this and try to present me some anxious/depressing thought, but strangely it doesn't work anymore, since i know it's temporary, it losed its power over me. I can watch movies, read books and go out on walk in complete peace not despite planning a suicide soon, but mainly BECAUSE i'm planning suicide soon. It's very hard to explain but i realized i don't have to let my ideas and plans feel dramatic/important, i can plan suicide and smile and watch a movie before it, all i have is continue tricking myself till i drink Nembutal, and then no suffering anymore, and so far it's working like a charm.

Intelligent post, wish I could feel the peace you feel before I go but it seems impossible.

 

[Suicideisnirvana]

Intelligent post, wish I could feel the peace you feel before I go but it seems impossible.

It could be an illusion, it could be that the moment i reach for N i'll start feeling my body shaking, hands trembling, fear, anxiety, existential dread and all the survival mechanisms dreading. But i have this reminder constantly at the back of my mind " 30seconds of courage for an eternity of non-suffering is worth it", if i was too attached to this peace i'm feeling, i would be in awful situation, fortunately i'm not attached to it, and paradoxically that's what gives me peace, i'm only attached to leaving this world ASAP, everything else is secondary

 

[Tiburcio]

30seconds of courage for an eternity of non-suffering is worth it

I tried it and failed, how can yo do it? I need to know it.

 

[weedoge]

It's weird but i've noticed lately that since i've planned my suicide, i lost my ability to feel suffering. To be fair, it's just because I'M SURE i will CTB soon, so i can't use that new power to go on living, the moment any doubt is instilled in my mind that CTB isn't an option, panick, fear, and depression will come again.

I think meditation did help a bit, but also a realization i made, it's a very simple realization, so simple it seems dumb, the only difference is that this time i didn't realize it intellectually, but intuitively, at the gut level.

This realization amounts to this "Whatever i'm going through, even in the worse circumstances, even if i'm a serial killer full of guilt/suffering and fear purchased by the police and risking life in prison, there is a way to make the suffering worse, and a way to lessens it, overthinking always make it worse, worrying always make it worse"

So i feel a kind of lasting peace now, my mind realizes this and try to present me some anxious/depressing thought, but strangely it doesn't work anymore, since i know it's temporary, it losed its power over me. I can watch movies, read books and go out on walk in complete peace not despite planning a suicide soon, but mainly BECAUSE i'm planning suicide soon. It's very hard to explain but i realized i don't have to let my ideas and plans feel dramatic/important, i can plan suicide and smile and watch a movie before it, all i have is continue tricking myself till i drink Nembutal, and then no suffering anymore, and so far it's working like a charm.

Hey, I fully agree with this post

;)

 

[Suicideisnirvana]

Hey, I fully agree with this post

;)

It depends on the method, i know my weaknesses and strenghts. I know for instance that i can never bring it about to jump in a front of a train, bht drinking a liquid ? I know i can do that.

 

[weedoge]

It depends on the method, i know my weaknesses and strenghts. I know for instance that i can never bring it about to jump in a front of a train, bht drinking a liquid ? I know i can do that.

Yup, my method is 100% CO now because I confirmed to myself that I can go through with it. The only reason I fail last time is because my setup was sub standard.