Discussion Anyone here ever catch glimpses of happiness and wishes so bad they didn't have to CTB

[aramir]

but you know your situation can't ever improve so it's like these moments keep taunting you reminding you what you could never have.

 

[2manyproblems]

Yes.

 

[enjoy]

yes.

people around me are happy. by all means, i'm not envious of them... i just wish i had what they had. i'm beginning to have difficulty spending time with them as my situation grows more dire. watching them succeed in life and relationships causes me crushing emotional pain because i know i will never achieve such success.

 

[2manyproblems]

I think about a few things I could have done differently which were within my capabilities and my life would have been great, or pretty good at least. Compared to what it turned out to be. It wouldn't have been anything special but it's all I wish I could have had. I think about it all the time. It makes me feel better but I fantasize about the way my life could have been so much I avoid preparing to ctb.

 

[TheEndof]

Maybe. Not as much lately. Everything seems pretty hopeless. Every now and then I'll feel excitement or positivity about something... followed by anger and depression because I know it will never last or that it comes at an awful price.

 

[MysticPerception]

Not really no. Though I am in a weird spot where I could improve my life and probably be happier but I just don't care. I'm tired and living is a chore I'm not willing to put up with for much longer. Happiness is something I can still experience but I'm not bothered much anymore by how my dreams will never come true because I would rather just ctb and not think about it or anything else anymore.

 

[Rushon]

Yes I am on an emotional roller coaster. One day I will be full of hope and looking ahead, and the next day I will be ready to put a gun to my head (don't have one though). I have no idea of what causes this, I have found no triggers. So I live in this hell I call my life.

 

[Final Escape]

Yea

 

[HereToday]

Definitely. I wish I had it easy like most other people seem to. I wish I was cold and selfish like everyone else. Life would have been so much easier. I spent my whole life trying my best to be a good, kind hearted, generous and selfless person. Helping and being there for everyone, volunteering, being the go to person when anyone is in need... It only got me used and abused. Most of all I wish someone would come and save me, but no one's coming... And I won't be saved.

 

[BobbyPellitt]

Only in dreams and memories unfortunately

 

[BabyYoda]

Yes. I'll never have a loving partner or a bestfriend. Fuck happiness.

 

[AintNoWayOut]

yea but they barely last and reality quickly sets in, reminding me of just how fucked i am

 

[Kirbster]

Definitely. I wish I had it easy like most other people seem to. I wish I was cold and selfish like everyone else. Life would have been so much easier. I spent my whole life trying my best to be a good, kind hearted, generous and selfless person. Helping and being there for everyone, volunteering, being the go to person when anyone is in need... It only got me used and abused. Most of all I wish someone would come and save me, but no one's coming... And I won't be saved.

Wow. Its almost crazy how similar we are in that regard. It makes my heart ache to read that final sentence of yours.... i know these feelings all too well. I hope with all my heart that you are saved. I have that same hope for myself even though i know its futile, but even if ill never be able to recieve such a blessing....i hope you will. You deserve to be saved. You deserve to be happy. No matter what the future holds, i hope you can find the slightest bit of solace in a caring stranger.

 

[HereToday]

Wow. Its almost crazy how similar we are in that regard. It makes my heart ache to read that final sentence of yours.... i know these feelings all too well. I hope with all my heart that you are saved. I have that same hope for myself even though i know its futile, but even if ill never be able to recieve such a blessing....i hope you will. You deserve to be saved. You deserve to be happy. No matter what the future holds, i hope you can find the slightest bit of solace in a caring stranger.

This is the kindest thing anyone's ever said to me... Brought tears to my eyes. What a kind, pure soul you must be to write this. Thank you so much, I'm honestly a bit speechless
I'm so sorry you can relate. I can only pray that it's not futile, and that someone will save you or you will have the strength I lack to save yourself. The world needs more people like you not less. What a beautiful place it would be. Sending you love

 

[Quarky00]

@HereToday , @Kirbster , same :)

When I needed help people were shocked : "Impossibe , you're the strong one!"

 

[Kirbster]

This is the kindest thing anyone's ever said to me... Brought tears to my eyes. What a kind, pure soul you must be to write this. Thank you so much, I'm honestly a bit speechless
I'm so sorry you can relate. I can only pray that it's not futile, and that someone will save you or you will have the strength I lack to save yourself. The world needs more people like you not less. What a beautiful place it would be. Sending you love

Thanks so much, your words made my day so much brighter. Sending lots of love your way too! Know that i meant everything i said and If you ever need anyone to chat with or need comforting words feel free to PM me :)

 

[BPD Barbie]

Many times. I've been happy many times before, I am fairly happy now but it doesn't change how I feel deep down on a daily basis. The happiness is fleeting, comes for a moment, catches me by surprise almost, but then the demons come back and its dark again. I've been happy for long periods though, but each time the dark came back it was harder and harder to manage.

 

[Kirbster]

@HereToday , @Kirbster , same :)

When I needed help people were shocked : "Impossibe , you're the strong one!"

Haha i feel this. Right now im in a place where i can no longer ask for help now either. It sucks.

 

[mediocre]

Yes I wish I could rewind about 5 years when I was just fucked up mentally and not physically ill. That I could deal with.

 

[WaitingAround2Die]

Not really. I'm nostalgic for times when I felt there was hope, so didn't think about CTB everyday.

But glimpses of happiness, not really. The closest thing is that rare moment of distraction doing something really mundane.

 

[Nem]

If I could go back 10 years i would be happy as a mofo. Wouldn't have taken shitty meds that destroyed my health and would've ended the relationship with my ex that was a severe control freak/sociopath! Holy fuck did I ever fuck my life up
Peace/hugs

 

[RedPanda]

I actually experience a lot of happiness but i still want to die. Something is very wrong with how my brain functions.

 

[littleflower88]

I get guilty episodes, it's the typical phrase, I don't want to die I just don't want to live this life anymore. I feel like I could be happy but it's always short lived, I know this is the only way to get out of this situation.