I'm a Christian too, I wasn't raised religious but came to the faith by myself. I'm very happy that someone here feels the same way too, especially since I've been thinking about what will happen to me and trying to find anything that will prove if I'll have any chance at salvation.
I've always thought that suicide from the view of God was something irredeemable, he gave you a life and you are choosing to take it away, your only life and everything he did for you and you are just rejecting all of it, it made sense to me that the only possible punishment for this would be Hell, since because of how selfish and disrespectful it is then it might be even worse than murder or other serious sins. This has always been my primary deterrent from suicide and I always thought I'd be here thanks to my faith no matter what, but now that I know my life is ruined and there's no chance for me to ever have a normal life it's the only logical solution to everything.
I know all the challenges and hardships I've been through were given to me by God, I've been abused my whole life and never had anything resembling normalcy, but I didn't care about any of that and I still don't, I love God and I know that every moment I've been happy or had something nice were thanks to him and the strength he gave me, what always kept me going was the hope that one day I'd have a normal life, now that I know that's never going to happen I just want to surrender myself to God and admit that I'm too weak, I don't feel spite or anything negative towards God, it's me that's weak and I can't handle what he put in front of me.
Something that Christians will always mention to someone considering suicide is the book of Job. I've only read a fraction of it but from my understanding it's God testing the faith of one of his followers by completely fucking his shit up, excuse my wording but that's what I get from it, everything gets worse and worse for him yet he keeps believing. I don't know how it ends I've only read the beginning. I think this is very disrespectful to say but I guess I kind of compare my life to Job, everything has been always getting worse and I guess it's kind of easy to see God's plan for me, it'll always get worse and things won't be going well even if I was to die of old age, once I've died only then I get a good life. But I can't handle that.
I've talked to a Protestant since usually they believe that suicide doesn't deny salvation, but his logic doesn't make sense to me, he says that it's something that you should never consider and the worst thing you can do to yourself, yet in the same sentence he says that this won't deny salvation. I can't believe that God would be able to forgive something that he says is so terrible. He says it should never be considered as an option, yet if God is able to forgive then it's always an option. I can't find relief in this.
I feel like I'm very ungrateful by even considering it, but I can't handle the life I've been given, I'm too weak and I admit that, I'm a sinner, and I just want some relief, surely God understands that? God knows me and he knows I truly love him, he knows why I'm doing this and how I feel. I don't think the reason for taking my own life can ever not be selfish when it's in relation to God.
I refuse to believe that what happens after you die is just a roll of the dice, there has to be something more than this
