I'm just really at a point where i feel so removed from other people - like ghostlike. i live alone and moved about four months before covid started, and so have wound up in the bizarre position where i moved somewhere years ago and still know basically no-one. compounding on the depressive behaviours, its such a stressor of its own eventually. I just feel like i'll never become social again, or meet any friends again.
sorry for my incoherent vent ah
Absolutely.
Being isolated would've been ideal in a healthy environment from early in life, through adolescence, and early adulthood. But being pushed around and shoved back to abusers and blamed for being abused is absolutely fucked up.
Invalidated and trying to "appease" abusers or or oppressors and thieves has absolutely drained my self esteem.
Arrogant little fuck faces pushed it too far too many times.
I "don't mind" being isolated at this point, but it is unhealthy.
I feel like I can't have friends because of betrayals and setups.
I don't "do well" at work because of my intense amount of anger and destruction.
I don't feel like I'm "doing well" at home because I am in a "web" of bullshit and not doing the things I should be. (Staying occupied by cleaning, fear of accidentally breaking or misplacing something, fear of accusation.)
Self care is important. I'm "neglecting" that, to a point. Not getting dressed, not getting exercise, not doing my laundry, not brushing my hair. Smoking cigarettes.
I feel "bad" (not in quotation marks as in sarcastic but quotation marks as in, empathetic and negatively) for the person I live with because of my deep hatred for a cruel society and myself.
I'm tired of bullshit.
I'm educated, I can see shit coming from a mile away but apparently the "law" says I can't do anything about it. Which is absolute garbage. People say "just move on" or "grow up" - I did a long time ago the problem is that it continued to occur for such an extended period of time that I cannot begin to forgive the fucking nightmare of "life."
They say this is "life" and that it's not "fair" - fuck em.
They blame "poor choices" but I blame poor (not financially) people as in fuckoffs and dickheads who don't care one fuckin bit.
My dreams are in a garbage can, people are selfish and I feel like the best option is suicide.
There's no way out. People say it's not "happening" now. But you know what it's happened too many god damn fucking times.
I'm tired of BULLSHIT cops, BULLSHIT robbers, BULLSHIT "nurses", BULLSHIT "doctors", BULLSHIT "relatives", bullshit corporations, and BULLSHIT partners.
People think it's "funny."
You know what's funny? Laughing in their face when they die of "natural causes" or are killed.
And then when they go "our condolences" - awwwww.
Aww nothing.
Well congratulations someday they will be.
Okay, good! HAHA.
Nothing gets better.
They say, "know justice, know peace."
No justice, no peace.
You know in the fourth grade I didn't want to say the pledge of allegiance anymore because there was no fucking justice.
Tired of this entire fucking "game".
It's not a game. I hope they wind up paralyzed. A vegetable. Miserable. Just like they did to me.
Toxic waste. Life is a dump of toxic waste and so are the people in it.
People say "ASPD" - I say fuck em.
BPD. I say, again, fuck em.
"Bipolar" disorder? Since when?
"Schizophrenia"? Again, bullshit. Not my imagination.
Is the world just "out to get me"? "Apparently" so. Again, fuck em.
HAHA point the finger.
So getting raped, groped, beat up, stolen from, and fucked with is a "joke?" It's not a "joke" and you know what I don't have a sense of humor about? People who do this so many god damn times without consequences for their actions.
You know a funny "joke"?
Putting a hole in someone's head for doing it.
To add to that.
You know.
I regret things from 5th grade that I had no idea about.
I flash back daily and say what the hell?
Like "ear boxing" - violence, I really had no fuckin clue and I still feel bad nobody ever told me the shit going on in life was not normal.
