Anyone have a good life but still suicidal?

[SelfishMom]

Anyone else have what appears to be a good life but still feel the call to ctb? I'm married to a wonderful man, have a great kid, supportive family, etc but I can't help feeling like I was just born to die. Like I should have been tossed off a bridge as an infant. Can anyone relate?

 

[iHeartRockArt]

Anyone else have what appears to be a good life but still feel the call to ctb? I'm married to a wonderful man, have a great kid, supportive family, etc but I can't help feeling like I was just born to die. Like I should have been tossed off a bridge as an infant. Can anyone relate?

I'm so sorry you feel this way. Has anything in particular happened to make these feelings appear so strongly for you?

 

[SelfishMom]

I'm so sorry you feel this way. Has anything in particular happened to make these feelings appear so strongly for you?

No I've had MDD for about 15 years now. I'm surrounded by live and support yet have my reasons why I feel like everyone will be better off without me. Honestly though it's mostly I don't know if I can do this for another 50 or so years.

 

[iHeartRockArt]

No I've had MDD for about 15 years now. I'm surrounded by live and support yet have my reasons why I feel like everyone will be better off without me. Honestly though it's mostly I don't know if I can do this for another 50 or so years.

I definitely understand where you're coming from. No one should have to deal with those feelings. I hope you can find the support and compassion you need here. And Welcome to SS. :)

 

[511115]

I can't help feeling like I was just born to die. Like I should have been tossed off a bridge as an infant. Can anyone relate?

Yes!!! This, exactly! Like my being born was wrong somehow. Like it shouldn't have happened and my existence is a mistake.

It's always felt like my "destiny" was suicide. I never felt called to greatness, to change the world, to get married or have kids. My entire life, I always just felt wrong. When I was old enough to begin conceptualizing death/suicide, it felt like I stumbled on the answer. Thinking of my death just feels so right.

Sometimes my life just feels like an unfortunate blip that wasn't meant to be.

 

[SelfishMom]

Yes!!! This, exactly! Like my being born was wrong somehow. Like it shouldn't have happened and my existence is a mistake.

It's always felt like my "destiny" was suicide. I never felt called to greatness, to change the world, to get married or have kids. My entire life, I always just felt wrong. When I was old enough to begin conceptualizing death/suicide, it felt like I stumbled on the answer. Thinking of my death just feels so right.

Sometimes my life just feels like an unfortunate blip that wasn't meant to be.

It's amazing to see someone else type out exactly how I feel. I don't regret my family, I love my kid more than words but I feel like it was super selfish of me because my destiny was to die. Now I drift through a worthless life and spare her or spare myself and ruin her.

 

[LastDay]

I don't have a good life yet, but I have all the tools at my disposal needed to build one.

I'm diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses and been on and off with therapy and meds throughout my life. My recent and most longest stint with therapy is one to two times a week since October 2017 up until now. In September of 2018 I started working with an experienced therapist who is excellent and I really adore. I'm also working towards getting weight loss surgery (I have been morbidly obese all my life) all free of charge thanks to insurance through the state. I haven't had a job since 2016 because of the depression getting so bad although I'm working on it with a job coach. As for people in my life, I have a loving supportive boyfriend as well as others who would be sad if I CTB.

But even with all this, in my heart I still want to and am set on CTB. The struggle and misery is so high. I just can't fight it anymore. There is nothing left. I also...feel really intense guilt and shame about still feeling this way given the opportunities available to me. Like I'm an ungrateful cunt and I honestly probably am. I know many would love help and just can't get it for whatever reason.

And logically I really just don't see the point because even with happiness there will still be hard times to come. In death, whether or not you lived a long happy life doesn't matter because consciousness and memories cease to exist. In my beliefs of afterlife anyway.

 

[21Neberg]

I feel that no matter the circumstances, I will always be the shitty broken person I am. And I don't want to be.

 

[DoneFighting]

Anyone else have what appears to be a good life but still feel the call to ctb? I'm married to a wonderful man, have a great kid, supportive family, etc but I can't help feeling like I was just born to die. Like I should have been tossed off a bridge as an infant. Can anyone relate?

Yes. Great job, I'm beautiful. Me friends don't have time for me. My boyfriend is over my shit .unexpected preganacy. Finally something to love me forever and my boyfriend forced me to abort. Drunk a fuck ton of vodka and 50mg of Xanax. Still here. Never had the balls to pull the trigger except once and if didn't go off. Great career lonely all the time just want this done.

 

[Philip]

Yes!!! This, exactly! Like my being born was wrong somehow. Like it shouldn't have happened and my existence is a mistake.

It's always felt like my "destiny" was suicide. I never felt called to greatness, to change the world, to get married or have kids. My entire life, I always just felt wrong. When I was old enough to begin conceptualizing death/suicide, it felt like I stumbled on the answer. Thinking of my death just feels so right.

Sometimes my life just feels like an unfortunate blip that wasn't meant to be.

I feel the same way.....I have almost always have felt that my death will be by my own hands...since I was a teenager

 

[Volomori83]

Yes!!! This, exactly! Like my being born was wrong somehow. Like it shouldn't have happened and my existence is a mistake.

It's always felt like my "destiny" was suicide. I never felt called to greatness, to change the world, to get married or have kids. My entire life, I always just felt wrong. When I was old enough to begin conceptualizing death/suicide, it felt like I stumbled on the answer. Thinking of my death just feels so right.

Sometimes my life just feels like an unfortunate blip that wasn't meant to be.

Wow, could have been me writing that. Almost exactly how I feel. Not had/got a bad life (got my health; have people sround me who love me; never been abused, assaulted or anything like that), it simply feels pointless. Never been in love, can't bring myself to (deeply) love anyone. No ties beyond my mum and brother (he'd get on fine without me). Got a good job. However when I stack up the pro's and con's of living against dying. Dying still comes out on top. It's not that I want to die, but more that I don't want to keep living this life.

 

[511115]

It's not that I want to die, but more that I don't want to keep living this life.

You hit the nail on the head. I'm not interested in death. I just don't want to continue living and the only way to stop it is to die.

Thus, death is the only solution, and suicide is the answer that gives me death the soonest.

It's not about wanting to die, it's about not wanting to live.

 

[Purgatory]

I have a great job and family. I just have no desire to live. I hate that I feel this way.

 

[SelfishMom]

I don't have a good life yet, but I have all the tools at my disposal needed to build one.

I'm diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses and been on and off with therapy and meds throughout my life. My recent and most longest stint with therapy is one to two times a week since October 2017 up until now. In September of 2018 I started working with an experienced therapist who is excellent and I really adore. I'm also working towards getting weight loss surgery (I have been morbidly obese all my life) all free of charge thanks to insurance through the state. I haven't had a job since 2016 because of the depression getting so bad although I'm working on it with a job coach. As for people in my life, I have a loving supportive boyfriend as well as others who would be sad if I CTB.

But even with all this, in my heart I still want to and am set on CTB. The struggle and misery is so high. I just can't fight it anymore. There is nothing left. I also...feel really intense guilt and shame about still feeling this way given the opportunities available to me. Like I'm an ungrateful cunt and I honestly probably am. I know many would love help and just can't get it for whatever reason.

And logically I really just don't see the point because even with happiness there will still be hard times to come. In death, whether or not you lived a long happy life doesn't matter because consciousness and memories cease to exist. In my beliefs of afterlife anyway.

I was in the process of getting weight loss surgery when I lost my insurance recently now there's no way I can. I've never had a job since I was 16 and I'm 27 now.

 

[MsM3talGamer]

My life has been a shitshow since birth so my CTB was always inevitable.

 

[daikon]

There have been ups and downs in my life. Right now I have an ok job, an ok apartment, and a few friends. I haven't lived the worst of all lives (mental illness, lost my boyfriend to terrorism, abusive parents), but I've felt for a long time that my internal life — the anxiety, depression, intrusive thoughts, and flashbacks — isn't worth it. It is so painful to be alive unless I make a concerted effort to distract myself.

It's surprising and strangely comforting to see how many people here don't want to die, even on a suicide discussion forum, but like me feel that life is more of a curse than a blessing.

 

[Jiva]

I have not a good life and it makes me suicidal. If my life is good, i am happy and not suicidal, i think. It is the simple ratio.

 

[TheCrow]

I feel the same way.....I have almost always have felt that my death will be by my own hands...since I was a teenager

Me too!

 

[Thewhowithin69]

My life has been a shitshow since birth so my CTB was always inevitable.

Same with me....

 

[Thewhowithin69]

Count your blessings. To me it's not about my life as much as it is my illness and brain issues from damage - but if you're healthy and have so many blessings - get grateful. Use some type of marijauna

Really?? I promise you it is never as easy as just getting grateful...your minimizing someone's pain doesn't make yours any easier does it?? We all have our reasons for being here and I am sure it doesn't do anyone any good to assume your reason is any better then the next.....
CTB reasons, the contest??? Ugh

 

[Crazy I]

Anyone else have what appears to be a good life but still feel the call to ctb? I'm married to a wonderful man, have a great kid, supportive family, etc but I can't help feeling like I was just born to die. Like I should have been tossed off a bridge as an infant. Can anyone relate?

I can relate to this, though i never felt that i was born just to die, i felt as if that i have a limited time to live. Its just that i felt that i need to end this life before im 25 and this thought is tormenting me everyday. Truthfully im afraid of ctb and i gather enough courage and knowledge last year so im still experimenting with ctb as of now. Well i hope that i can ride the bus soon.

 

[Alexander]

Anyone else have what appears to be a good life but still feel the call to ctb? I'm married to a wonderful man, have a great kid, supportive family, etc but I can't help feeling like I was just born to die. Like I should have been tossed off a bridge as an infant. Can anyone relate?

I too have a supportive family and all my needs are met, I am full of interests and friends. But sometimes only the thought of death gives me the strength to move forward.
Therapy can help you feel better, sometimes it seems to work with me.
Welcome to this strange corner of the net :)

 

[ReadyasEver]

I had a decent life by all accounts. A poor but good and decent upbringing. Good parents, siblings, and extended family. Good career, an absolutely outstanding and lovely woman as my wife for some time now, great kids. But, disease now robs me ever so slowly, and terminal. I'm here on different pretenses, but am I am here nonetheless.

 

[MyImmortal]

I completely relate. I come from a great supportive family who have always been there for me and given me what I want. I have a great career, my own place, and I don't have dent / money issues. I have very little to technically worry about. I have my bachelors of commerce as well- you'd wonder how could I be suicidal. With this being said, my whole life I felt like you mentioned, that I should have never been born. I'm
Not depressed for a certain reason or life event that happened to me. I have just always felt this way, no matter what. I'm on medication, I've been to therapy, yet I always have the inner feeling of why was I put on this earth. Someone may look like they have everything all set up for them, but deep down they might be dying inside.

 

[Aesthler]

My life isn't horrible, I try to be grateful for the things that are good in my life. I have a father who does care about me, I have a roof over my head, food to eat and a comfortable bed to sleep in. Though, suicide is a temptress her siren call beckons me forward when my mind is shrouded in darkness.

 

[cu1len]

I'm still relatively young and have so many friends and family members that love and care about me plus a supportive boyfriend but I can't help but feel unmotivated to live. I've been getting better (idk if that's good or bad) but I don't see a future for me. I excel in scientific studies and literature, and I've always been told I have a beautiful singing voice however I don't see a career working out for me. I don't see a significant other in my future or children (which I want to have). Overall I just don't see anything for me past a year or two.

 

[Mecha Man]

I 100% relate, although some might not agree that I have a great life. I'm unemployed, and I drink a lot, but other than that I would say I have everything a person could ever want. I have a BA from a Jesuit University, along with about a year of some MBA graduate work. I live with my Parents and two siblings, but if I had a job (a few of which I HAVE had in the past) that wouldn't change. My family is very tight knit; we all love each other deeply, and they have provided a strong support system for me. I'm just the only one in the house who's not fully self sufficient.

Unfortunately, I would say I have a broken mind. I have suffered from depression and anxiety most of my life which has progressed a lot in recent years. It's unsurprising to me now that my emotional instability has ultimately led to me to feel so terrible that I just want my life to end.

 

[throwaway123]

No.

 

[Pulmonicis]

I guess, I have a fairly reasonable life.
Have a loving mother and counsin, few friends, which I ignore lately for my selfish reasons. *Stupid

Still, Amma hell of a young soul. Was lost for a good decade. Attempted suicide when I was 8 years old, and lived with that state of mind for the rest of my live.

The biggest thing for me is the emptiness. It's hard to express my though process as I write right now, but mainly the idea that I can't achieve happiness. Or just think of what happiness is. A hamburger. Good hamburger. Someone?

All in all, I trully want to experience journey to another place. Like the day I decided to set my date, order the stuff I need and commit myself, I felt great. My mind is all about one thing right now. CTB.

 

[TooLate2582]

Yes. I make good money, own my home and have toys. I'm in the top of my field; my supervisors consult me as do competitiors. I have a great social life when my mental disorders don't screw it up. I have access to the opposite sex whenever I want, which is often because I use sex as a coping mechanism/void fill.

Yet multiple times a day I contemplate CTB