Anyone feel like they don't want to get better

[FrostedHoax]

Even though I know that I would probably be much happier and satisfied with life if I were to find an actual reason to keep on living my life, it feels like there's some part of me that doesn't want that. I'm guessing that it's because my mind has been in a dark place for so long that it's become comforting and that leaving it would be scary from not knowing what it's like to be truly happy and actually looking forward to getting up in the morning. I'm also afraid that even if I were to turn my life around and start to actually want to live instead of just survive, something would happen to take that all away from me and I'd just be back where I was before. Anyway, can anyone else relate to these feelings?

 

[sunshiningbackwards]

"happiness" is a funny thing because it's always fleeting and leaves a mess in its wake. It scares the fuck out of me when I feel happiness because I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop the whole time. I think sadness is a beautiful emotion because of its proximity to depression (which there IS a distinction). I'm almost always depressed, but when sadness comes and I feel those tears well up and those dormant parts of my brain activate, there is some kind of warmth and meaning to it. I definitely find comfort in sadness in place of happiness, but definitely not depression.

I totally feel what you said happiness being scary. because it is scary. just maybe for different reasons.

 

[FrostedHoax]

"happiness" is a funny thing because it's always fleeting and leaves a mess in its wake. It scares the fuck out of me when I feel happiness because I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop the whole time. I think sadness is a beautiful emotion because of its proximity to depression (which there IS a distinction). I'm almost always depressed, but when sadness comes and I feel those tears well up and those dormant parts of my brain activate, there is some kind of warmth and meaning to it. I definitely find comfort in sadness in place of happiness, but definitely not depression.

I totally feel what you said happiness being scary. because it is scary. just maybe for different reasons.

I relate heavily to what you say about sadness being a beautiful emotion with a kind of warmth to it. As messed up as it sounds to say, some of the times I've felt the most alive were when I was mentally spiraling from how mind numbingly melancholic I was feeling about how my life is going and on the brink of a psychotic break but depression is a whole other beast altogether. To be clear, I'm not saying that I value the emotional and mental suffering I've gone through but I do feel like sadness as an emotion on its own has a special kind of quality to it that makes it feel so strikingly human compared to more lighthearted emotions like happiness and bliss. I feel like society has a whole devalues sadness far too much and doesn't acknowledge it enough as a fundamental part of what makes us human.

 

[SlowlyFalling]

Even though I know that I would probably be much happier and satisfied with life if I were to find an actual reason to keep on living my life, it feels like there's some part of me that doesn't want that. I'm guessing that it's because my mind has been in a dark place for so long that it's become comforting and that leaving it would be scary from not knowing what it's like to be truly happy and actually looking forward to getting up in the morning. I'm also afraid that even if I were to turn my life around and start to actually want to live instead of just survive, something would happen to take that all away from me and I'd just be back where I was before. Anyway, can anyone else relate to these feelings?

I know how you feel, I was the same way when I stopped taking my meds. There's a certain comfort in the depression, maybe because I know what to expect? Even after I started taking my meds again, I didn't necessarily want to feel better. I still feel that way, and I'm not really sure why. Like you said, I know I'll probably be happier, but it's almost like I don't mind where I am right now. And like @sunshiningbackwards said, the happiness is only temporary, though at least according to my memory, I think it was worth it. I'm just not ready to work my way back there yet.

Sorry for the little ramble, all I really wanted to say was that I can totally relate

 

[leavingsoon99]

Here's my thing...

What would 'better' even look like? Being accepted into superficial human social circles? Attracting the fleeting affection of some female? Grabbing the VERY short-lived contentment that this life offers? What does 'better' even mean? (Note: This isn't an attack or arguement towards YOU personally. These are MY thoughts on the concept which you present. This is the stuff I ask myself.)

I was at a baseball game today. I had an epiphany. Not only does this world hold absolutely NOTHING of worth for me (outside of the few precious people in my life), but I don't want anything in it. I've spent too many years trying to chase a life that, quite frankly, doesn't exist. Long-lasting friendships, undying love, satisfying work... this shit doesn't exist. For me, nor anyone else who propagates that they have it. It's all a lie. While at the game, I'm looking at people PRETENDING. I'm looking at high-functioning ape behavior. Competing. Not even watching the game. People drinking themselves into oblivion to forget about the MANY problems in their lives. People passively competing for sexual mates. People acting like they're having a good time instead of... well... having a good time. Sad people making happy pictures. This life is nothing short of a tragedy.

What did I miss out on? Nothing. All this time, I wondered what it would be like to be accepted. Only to realize, in the end, these people don't even accept themselves. Seeking validation from people who are invalid, themselves. I realized something today. There is no better. Not for me. Quite frankly, not for humans. There's no 'better, brighter day'. So, what am I striving for? A woman? Something that life just GIVES most other males. I have to become some 'super' version of myself just to compete for attention from one? Friends? Most people don't have that. I'm actually blessed with one. AND I FEEL VERY BLESSED TO HAVE THEM. Money? All of this... just to live in a situation I had no say in coming to in the first place?

No. I'm done with that. All of it. Life has not a fucking thing to offer me. Hope is just the carrot dangled in front of the donkey. For me, there is no such thing as 'better'.

 

[sunshiningbackwards]

I relate heavily to what you say about sadness being a beautiful emotion with a kind of warmth to it. As messed up as it sounds to say, some of the times I've felt the most alive were when I was mentally spiraling from how mind numbingly melancholic I was feeling about how my life is going and on the brink of a psychotic break but depression is a whole other beast altogether. To be clear, I'm not saying that I value the emotional and mental suffering I've gone through but I do feel like sadness as an emotion on its own has a special kind of quality to it that makes it feel so strikingly human compared to more lighthearted emotions like happiness and bliss. I feel like society has a whole devalues sadness far too much and doesn't acknowledge it enough as a fundamental part of what makes us human.

sadness pretty much isn't allowed in most social situations. especially if you're a man. imagine hanging out in a room full of friends and you start crying. those people are going to be uncomfortable and will likely not wanna hang out with you again until you resolve whatever you're going through.

 

[monstercatering]

I definitely agree that there is a way I could be happier and find a meaning to my life.

Outside of people supporting a suicidal person, there is usually no sympathy for someone that could literally do anything except sit on their ass to improve their life. I've just accepted that's who I am though. While I could turn my life around by taking a stand and putting effort in. I've already gone through enough ups-and-downs in my life and returned to the same suicidal place. I'm more comforted by living in ease until i am enough of a drag on other people to take myself out then the dream that I've fallen into before of a normal life(before I invitably become a shut-in again a year later).

Another way to explain this is a common phenomenon where people usually about to fall asleep or while they're in the shower start become very motivated. They make big productive plans, but they never act on them afterward. If someone doesn't have to immediately act on their plans they'll fall into a fake motivation. This happens to me on a much larger scale, now that I've realized this I prefer the more nihilistic/realistic view that while I can make these plans I will never act on them.

So I don't have the fear of happiness, but instead the acceptance that I won't achieve it.

 

[BlazingBob]

I can so relate to this. For me it's a moot point because even if I wanted to get better I can't because of a progressive incurable debilitating chronic illness. No amount of therapy or positive thinking is going to fix this disease that's eating my brain. I can't even imagine what being healthy and well adjusted would be like. I just want to not exist and be free from this hell I'm in. I want nothing to do with this world.

 

[scamper]

Assuming you mean getting better as in becoming non-suicidal, it only started recently that I didn't want to try to get "better." I've given life a second and third chance, and I realize now that it just isn't for me. I'm done searching for a will to live because I believe that after death, people experience true nothingness with no conscience. I'm content with that outcome, so I don't feel the need to try to convince myself I'm wrong.

 

[peachchildtenshi]

I can definitely related with you on being more comfortable in being a more " dark place ", it gives me a better peace of mind, and im afraid that if I try to leave it, or turn around, everything would all just be taken away as it has always been for me.

 

[thereisnomeaning]

I don't know, I think it'd take a miracle for my life to get on tracks, even if I were to try and make it for something or someone, like I once did for my kid, it would just be fake positivity, it would just be more effort for nothing, my life would still be as shit as it is right now. Nothing's getting any better, not in a realistic sight of things

I don't know, I think it'd take a miracle for my life to get on tracks, even if I were to try and make it for something or someone, like I once did for my kid, it would just be fake positivity, it would just be more effort for nothing, my life would still be as shit as it is right now. Nothing's getting any better, not in a realistic sight of things

Is not that I don't want to. Is just that there's no way

 

[WorthlessTrash]

"Getting better" for my particular situation that brought me here means coping with an inferior life. It just not worth it.

 

[kindalone]

Getting better has meant for me to fix certain things in me that are hard to change. Every time I try to fix myself I find a new thing that prevents me from getting better which is another thing on my to do list. Additionally, there are constantly new problems arising from the outside that just keep getting worse. The pile just does not get smaller. In a way my brain has had enough and is constantly pushing myself to inactivity because there's just too much to do and I'm too incompetent.

I guess I also want to prevent myself from great losses. Going from bad to worse feels less awful than going from good to worse. Maybe that's flawed thinking. I just don't want to fail when I was on my way to succeed I guess.

 

[SilentSadness]

For me, getting better would be dying. I have no interest in continuing to live in this shallow world and I think it's illogical to take inevitable suffering for the fleeting possibility of happiness. Anyway I hope you get better if that's what you want.

 

[TimetoGo!]

Even though I know that I would probably be much happier and satisfied with life if I were to find an actual reason to keep on living my life, it feels like there's some part of me that doesn't want that. I'm guessing that it's because my mind has been in a dark place for so long that it's become comforting and that leaving it would be scary from not knowing what it's like to be truly happy and actually looking forward to getting up in the morning. I'm also afraid that even if I were to turn my life around and start to actually want to live instead of just survive, something would happen to take that all away from me and I'd just be back where I was before. Anyway, can anyone else relate to these feelings?

I can 100% relate to this yes.

It will fall apart again and again

 

[aubrey!]

reminds me of this song lyric.

"I gotta make a change
and stop using metaphors
to make me feel bad
"It's almost like you want to feel bad"
yeah, I think I might"

seriously though, i relate. there was always a part of me scared of recovery, i don't know if i'd feel like myself. i'm scared that experiencing a real period of happiness, would only last so long and make my next period of sadness significantly worse, since i have something so good to compare it to. i give up recovery though so, whatever happens happens.

 

[Mirrory Me]

Here's my thing...

What would 'better' even look like? Being accepted into superficial human social circles? Attracting the fleeting affection of some female? Grabbing the VERY short-lived contentment that this life offers? What does 'better' even mean? (Note: This isn't an attack or arguement towards YOU personally. These are MY thoughts on the concept which you present. This is the stuff I ask myself.)

I was at a baseball game today. I had an epiphany. Not only does this world hold absolutely NOTHING of worth for me (outside of the few precious people in my life), but I don't want anything in it. I've spent too many years trying to chase a life that, quite frankly, doesn't exist. Long-lasting friendships, undying love, satisfying work... this shit doesn't exist. For me, nor anyone else who propagates that they have it. It's all a lie. While at the game, I'm looking at people PRETENDING. I'm looking at high-functioning ape behavior. Competing. Not even watching the game. People drinking themselves into oblivion to forget about the MANY problems in their lives. People passively competing for sexual mates. People acting like they're having a good time instead of... well... having a good time. Sad people making happy pictures. This life is nothing short of a tragedy.

What did I miss out on? Nothing. All this time, I wondered what it would be like to be accepted. Only to realize, in the end, these people don't even accept themselves. Seeking validation from people who are invalid, themselves. I realized something today. There is no better. Not for me. Quite frankly, not for humans. There's no 'better, brighter day'. So, what am I striving for? A woman? Something that life just GIVES most other males. I have to become some 'super' version of myself just to compete for attention from one? Friends? Most people don't have that. I'm actually blessed with one. AND I FEEL VERY BLESSED TO HAVE THEM. Money? All of this... just to live in a situation I had no say in coming to in the first place?

No. I'm done with that. All of it. Life has not a fucking thing to offer me. Hope is just the carrot dangled in front of the donkey. For me, there is no such thing as 'better'.

You think that life is stupid and unfair, you are jealous that others look happy and get more attention than you. Why can't you be in the same boat and just go with the flow.

You don't have to be like everyone else, your life is special and valuable in its own way. You've probably been successful and happy about something, don't try to force it like this.

Don't go watch a ball game if you're over your head, you can't really enjoy it. That's what boring people would do anyway.

 

[leavingsoon99]

You think that life is stupid and unfair, you are jealous that others look happy and get more attention than you. Why can't you be in the same boat and just go with the flow.

You don't have to be like everyone else, your life is special and valuable in its own way. You've probably been successful and happy about something, don't try to force it like this.

Don't go watch a ball game if you're over your head, you can't really enjoy it. That's what boring people would do anyway.

I just love 'motivation' and backhanded altruism. A person who's never walked a day in my shoes knows me inside and out. I hate to even dignify this with a response, because I'm not going to keyboard debate with you. So, I'll let you think you're right so you feel good about yourself. No one is jealous of artificial happiness and social hierarchy. So, take your 'life don't owe you SHIT' garbage somewhere else. Any further commenting will be ignored... just as this comment should've been.

No, you don't win.

 

[aubrey!]

I just love 'motivation' and backhanded altruism. A person who's never walked a day in my shoes knows me inside and out. I hate to even dignify this with a response, because I'm not going to keyboard debate with you. So, I'll let you think you're right so you feel good about yourself. No one is jealous of artificial happiness and social hierarchy. So, take your 'life don't owe you SHIT' garbage somewhere else. Any further commenting will be ignored... just as this comment should've been.

No, you don't win.

don't think about them too much. they're a bit of a doofus.

 

[Mirrory Me]

I just love 'motivation' and backhanded altruism. A person who's never walked a day in my shoes knows me inside and out. I hate to even dignify this with a response, because I'm not going to keyboard debate with you. So, I'll let you think you're right so you feel good about yourself. No one is jealous of artificial happiness and social hierarchy. So, take your 'life don't owe you SHIT' garbage somewhere else. Any further commenting will be ignored... just as this comment should've been.

No, you don't win.

I don't really understand what went wrong, some people naturally enjoy different things because they are happier. You are not better than others, you just haven't seen the same side of yourself.

 

[aubrey!]

I don't really understand what went wrong, some people naturally enjoy different things because they are happier. You are not better than others, you just haven't seen the same side of yourself.

i'm gonna bite because i have the time.

not everyone is structured the same. not everyone thinks the same. not everyone has all the same sides. people don't work like that yet you seem to act like we do. same deal on my thread. and you do it with an attitude, maybe you just wanna seem stern so your words feel like they have more merit, but you just look like an asshole.

i'm leaving it there because if you don't get it, it really isn't my problem. i'm not against you giving advice you think may help, i just encourage you to do a better job, and not everyone is entitled to agree with your advice, because i don't.

 

[Mirrory Me]

i'm gonna bite because i have the time.

not everyone is structured the same. not everyone thinks the same. not everyone has all the same sides. people don't work like that yet you seem to act like we do. same deal on my thread. and you do it with an attitude, maybe you just wanna seem stern so your words feel like they have more merit, but you just look like an asshole.

i'm leaving it there because if you don't get it, it really isn't my problem. i'm not against you giving advice you think may help, i just encourage you to do a better job, and not everyone is entitled to agree with your advice, because i don't.

I'm just sharing my own opinion on the matter because I feel I can identify with it. It's not meant to be rude or a know-it-all, I can't always be right or understand others. It doesn't mean that I should be silent, things can be discussed calmly.

People usually dislike things in others which they can't accept in their self.

 

[thisiswhoiam-]

i dont want to get treatment, work, or talk with people. I hate doctors, i hate pills, i hate hospitals, i hate working, i hate people.

 

[Lxions]

i dont want to get better, and even if i did, i dont know what "better" truly looks like.

happiness has always been a fleeting experience for me. i dont even know if ive experienced "happiness", bpd has caused me so much confusion around my own emotions and experiences.
but what i do know is that i dont want to spend the rest of my time here being looked over by doctors, experimenting different but meaningless medication, or talking to people who just want money. i cant see a clear view of "better".
and i dont think anyone should be ashamed for feeling the same way. some people just dont want to get better, or cant. the comfortability of sickness is much better than the unknown of attempting to get "better".

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case no matter what I could never want to exist in this world and I could never be delusional enough to see existence as being worth enduring in the first place. I personally don't see the appeal to existing here and it's simply not for me. I don't want to risk ending up in a situation of even worse suffering, life in itself is the true problem and it's something harmful. I view wanting suicide as being the most logical option to existing in this hellish world, the way that I view life isn't an "illness", it's just being realistic. Hating life and not wanting to exist here are feelings that are completely valid as existing is simply a futile struggle with nothing to be gained by staying here.

 

[paranormalpup]

Even though I know that I would probably be much happier and satisfied with life if I were to find an actual reason to keep on living my life, it feels like there's some part of me that doesn't want that. I'm guessing that it's because my mind has been in a dark place for so long that it's become comforting and that leaving it would be scary from not knowing what it's like to be truly happy and actually looking forward to getting up in the morning. I'm also afraid that even if I were to turn my life around and start to actually want to live instead of just survive, something would happen to take that all away from me and I'd just be back where I was before. Anyway, can anyone else relate to these feelings?

I completely agree. Happiness is so temporal and a huge feeling of dread for those of us who has experienced so much pain in our life.

 

[Hotsackage]

i want to help people who will suffer in time with clinical mental illness. as far as getting better to feed someones condescending view of me to feed their own ego, screw that.