Anyone feel like their reputation was destroyed before they even had a chance to build one?

[Red]

I guess this applies to people with narcissistic parents more than anything else? My father seemed to scapegoat me for as long as I can remember; even stupid things like the bus being late - he'd turn to me and say, "It's your fault!" Joking or no, my five year old self didn't know the difference...

It seems as though I never really got to establish myself without his undermining of my character - making me out to be an unreliable source so that takes of his abuse would go unheard. I remember constantly being confused as a child, being blamed for ridiculous things; any confrontation with another child or parent would always end up with me being the bad guy...

And it worked. It fucking worked - he abused me, physically, mentally and emotionally, for seventeen years and nobody believed me. Even after he stopped taking me for immunisations (I freaked out aged 5 when they pulled down my pants to give me the jab; my dad used to "punish" me by pulling down my pants and smacking by bare behind - combo humiliation and pain - and I thought I was going to be smacked. Wriggled about n caused a fuss - no more immunisations for me until secondary school!) and I caught the mumps and could have died; even after other parents witnessed him yank me away from a wooden fence, aged 6, when I was trying to talk to a friend after school, causing a huge splinter and profuse bleeding from my palm; even after witnessing him spending his money on himself and computer games while I, first born, still somehow only wore out of date hand-me-downs from a cousin ten years my senior...

I can't believe it worked. People would rather believe that I was a dramatic, lying little shit than review the actual evidence that I was being abused?

I just wondered if anyone else has experienced or is experiencing this or if it's yet another unique aspect of my childhood lol

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

I'm pretty sure people assume I'm lazy, irresponsible, and cold hearted rather than take the time to understand that I was heavily abused. I was taught at an early age to internalize everything because people don't care to understand why you are the way you are, they'd rather just blame you because they are selfish pieces of shit. Being honest and having feelings is pretty much considered a character flaw in my family; I'm still crossing my fingers that my parents die from covid.

 

[Symbiote]

My mom made it clear to me when I was born that because I was the son to a shitty biological dad that I stand no chance in hell of ever being loved or respected. All accomplishments were made null and void because she would bring up my dad and how I'm just like him.

 

[929er]

yup. my sister and mother both scapegoat me and project all their own bad qualities and actions on me. my sister literally controls my mother and used to control me until i realized how manipulative she was. she makes up stuff about what teachers say about me when I've never had a problem in high school or college just to act all proper and get people to look down on me because of it, she also treats costumers badly in the family store but whenever bad costumer service is brought up she acts like it's me the one that talks badly to them (even though my social anxiety would never allow me to). my mother also does and says trashy stuff and gets mad whenever i don't want to interact with her when she does something unfair or hurtful to me, to the point she makes it out to be me the one causing the problem instead of her and has even punched me in the face repeatedly over it.(same with my sister, she constantly pushes me around and then pretends i threatened violence to her when i wouldn't since i'm an underweight gnome. lol) it's exhausting tbh. they control every aspect of how people see me and ofc ppl just believe whatever they say because the antisocial weirdo that can't even hold a conversation is obviously in the wrong if put against the two "talkative sweethearts." i can't even get a proper job to begin to move away because when my dad died they both took all the money he left me and spent it all on their own stuff, i couldn't pay to finish school, then i went to public school for a while but i could barely afford anything needed to finish and that has made me dependent on them, i work on the family store in the meantime and i get no pay, so i have to live off whatever hand me down clothes, limited food and even struggle to get simple stuff like toothbrushes, pads and such. they p much have control over everything in my life until i find a way to break free.

my sister was literally the textbook example of a problem child, but she managed to shift all the negative attention to me because of my social awkwardness. no one believes it when i say she's not the person they think she is, if i told any of these things to any of the family friends they'll think I'm a pathological liar or hallucinating even though their terrible attitude sometimes does come though the cracks in public.

I'm sorry you also had to endure this hell. i completely get you. sorry for the long rant, but it's rare to be able to discuss this specific situation.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

I'm pretty sure people assume I'm lazy, irresponsible, and cold hearted rather than take the time to understand that I was heavily abused.

I am this but without the abuse, only some (minor?) socially acceptable negligence.

My street rep (and cred) is fine, thankfully.

 

[Neowise]

I guess this applies to people with narcissistic parents more than anything else?

raises hand Here, me! The essence of what you wrote in your post seems familiar, I know how you must have felt and feel today.

I feel like I never got a chance to succeed at life.
People with self esteem are the ones having many friends, being loved and having success in life. In the early days parents are supposed to build up the kid's initial self esteem for the child to build upon it later in life. I just got abused emotionally since I was born and never had any self esteem to build upon, I just became a loser. Human trash.

 

[Into The Void]

The level of delusion pushed on me by my fundamentalist Christian dad really put me at a disadvantage right from the start. So yes my reputation was ruined right from the start. Luckily I'm starting to put together the pieces of my life now.

 

[Red]

My mom made it clear to me when I was born that because I was the son to a shitty biological dad that I stand no chance in hell of ever being loved or respected. All accomplishments were made null and void because she would bring up my dad and how I'm just like him.

Oh I hate that crap, I got the same as my biological mother abandoned me at a young age; all negative qualities my father saw in me were attributed to my "no-good, evil mother" and all my good qualities were apparently inherited from him...
Never a person in my own right, not even now!

yup. my sister and mother both scapegoat me and project all their own bad qualities and actions on me. my sister literally controls my mother and used to control me until i realized how manipulative she was. she makes up stuff about what teachers say about me when I've never had a problem in high school or college just to act all proper and get people to look down on me because of it, she also treats costumers badly in the family store but whenever bad costumer service is brought up she acts like it's me the one that talks badly to them (even though my social anxiety would never allow me to). my mother also does and says trashy stuff and gets mad whenever i don't want to interact with her when she does something unfair or hurtful to me, to the point she makes it out to be me the one causing the problem instead of her and has even punched me in the face repeatedly over it.(same with my sister, she constantly pushes me around and then pretends i threatened violence to her when i wouldn't since i'm an underweight gnome. lol) it's exhausting tbh. they control every aspect of how people see me and ofc ppl just believe whatever they say because the antisocial weirdo that can't even hold a conversation is obviously in the wrong if put against the two "talkative sweethearts." i can't even get a proper job to begin to move away because when my dad died they both took all the money he left me and spent it all on their own stuff, i couldn't pay to finish school, then i went to public school for a while but i could barely afford anything needed to finish and that has made me dependent on them, i work on the family store in the meantime and i get no pay, so i have to live off whatever hand me down clothes, limited food and even struggle to get simple stuff like toothbrushes, pads and such. they p much have control over everything in my life until i find a way to break free.

my sister was literally the textbook example of a problem child, but she managed to shift all the negative attention to me because of my social awkwardness. no one believes it when i say she's not the person they think she is, if i told any of these things to any of the family friends they'll think I'm a pathological liar or hallucinating even though their terrible attitude sometimes does come though the cracks in public.

I'm sorry you also had to endure this hell. i completely get you. sorry for the long rant, but it's rare to be able to discuss this specific situation.

So awful when the flying monkey children pitch in to make it worse - my half sisters are awful for the same sort of behaviour and alienated my stepmother from me due to jealousy! Still not sure if I'm upset or grateful for this being as the stepmother in question was like having a bitchy girl from school come to stay lol

The level of delusion pushed on me by my fundamentalist Christian dad really put me at a disadvantage right from the start. So yes my reputation was ruined right from the start. Luckily I'm starting to put together the pieces of my life now.

I'm so glad you're able to get past it and build a new life away from it all!
I hoped to do the same but it's been so hard to get away from it all, especially after falling so ill of late and being too tired and broken down to properly fight it!! I've just had to cut them all out and pretend like they don't exist!

 

[Mentalmick]

I was labeled lazy and unmotivated most of my life. Now I might be lazy and unmotivated but I don't have an attitude problem. Much.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

My reputation always followed the same downward trajectory. A long sequence of not being good enough that ended in self-exile. Regrettably. But I feel I never had a choice in that matter. Everyone always looked down on me so I stayed down like a good puppy.

 

[noname223]

My mum abused me severely since i was 5. She destroyed my life utterly. My father just looked away. Now they want to help me but it's too late. My life is shattered. I never had a chance. My future prospects are non existent.
For a short-time the abuse worked and I had a great reputation but i collapsed.

 

[Good4Nothing]

I guess this applies to people with narcissistic parents more than anything else? My father seemed to scapegoat me for as long as I can remember; even stupid things like the bus being late - he'd turn to me and say, "It's your fault!" Joking or no, my five year old self didn't know the difference...

It seems as though I never really got to establish myself without his undermining of my character - making me out to be an unreliable source so that takes of his abuse would go unheard. I remember constantly being confused as a child, being blamed for ridiculous things; any confrontation with another child or parent would always end up with me being the bad guy...

And it worked. It fucking worked - he abused me, physically, mentally and emotionally, for seventeen years and nobody believed me. Even after he stopped taking me for immunisations (I freaked out aged 5 when they pulled down my pants to give me the jab; my dad used to "punish" me by pulling down my pants and smacking by bare behind - combo humiliation and pain - and I thought I was going to be smacked. Wriggled about n caused a fuss - no more immunisations for me until secondary school!) and I caught the mumps and could have died; even after other parents witnessed him yank me away from a wooden fence, aged 6, when I was trying to talk to a friend after school, causing a huge splinter and profuse bleeding from my palm; even after witnessing him spending his money on himself and computer games while I, first born, still somehow only wore out of date hand-me-downs from a cousin ten years my senior...

I can't believe it worked. People would rather believe that I was a dramatic, lying little shit than review the actual evidence that I was being abused?

I just wondered if anyone else has experienced or is experiencing this or if it's yet another unique aspect of my childhood lol

Your story is very similar to my own.

I was born to a physically abusive father, whom my mom left when I was three. Then she married a man who would psychologically and emotionally traumatize me for the rest of my life.
I've never had self esteem, never had self confidence. He made sure of that.
I'll never understand why he chose to tear down an already broken little boy instead of building him up and helping him heal.
I've been trying to overcome what he did to me all my life, but it's just not possible. I'm fundamentally broken.

I was also always looked at by friends of the family as a weirdo, a bad seed. No one could see, or wanted to see, what he was doing to me. It was my own fault I was the way I was.

 

[LastFlowers]

My reputation always followed the same downward trajectory. A long sequence of not being good enough that ended in self-exile. Regrettably. But I feel I never had a choice in that matter. Everyone always looked down on me so I stayed down like a good puppy.

Similar thing in my case. Never stood a chance.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

Similar thing in my case. Never stood a chance.

It sucks. I built my whole identity on expecting to fail.

 

[Red]

Your story is very similar to my own.

I was born to a physically abusive father, whom my mom left when I was three. Then she married a man who would psychologically and emotionally traumatize me for the rest of my life.
I've never had self esteem, never had self confidence. He made sure of that.
I'll never understand why he chose to tear down an already broken little boy instead of building him up and helping him heal.
I've been trying to overcome what he did to me all my life, but it's just not possible. I'm fundamentally broken.

I was also always looked at by friends of the family as a weirdo, a bad seed. No one could see, or wanted to see, what he was doing to me. It was my own fault I was the way I was.

Similar thing in my case. Never stood a chance.

Hugs to you both - as always, both equally sad and glad for the company in feeling like this. It shouldn't be a thing!
As said before, it's unfathomable that any grown adult can choose to destroy a young life rather than encourage it.
Stupid power mad parents need vetting before they're allowed to breed.

 

[Red]

I was constantly mocked and belittled for being weak, or emotional, or simply HUMAN. Always expected to dance around his feelings and "principles" while having my own, much more urgent, needs ignored.

The kicker was, he would sometimes come into my room in the middle of the night and ask me to come sleep in his bed so he wouldn't have to sleep alone! Nothing weird n physical I think, I don't remember anything like that, but that's still pretty fucked up, right??

Now the whole ignoring of my feelings and denial of the abuse seems to have transferred to the flying monkey children, who weren't even there on account of not even being born yet, even despite occasional corroborative statements by other family members. Maybe it's because they are occasional lol

I really want to leave it all behind, and have done so a lot better these days than say 10-20 years ago. It's not my fault. It never was. It's just really hard to move on when you don't really have any closure for any of it. The effects of their actions not only echo to this day but continue emitting into my life (like poisonous radiation!) whether I choose to interact with them or not (although admittedly it's a lot less immediately impactful when I don't see them!); they're always gossiping, shit-stirring, determined to save their own skins and grab at all the love for themselves, like it's a finite substance to be hoarded rather than shared and multiplied, the right way. When I'm distanced from it, it does seem to save immediate distress but there is still a dialogue going on about me without anyone there to defend me - it leaks out from the people directly involved until I find other people acting frostily with me and I have to trace it back to its source, if I'm even able. Invariably it comes back to them.

I hate it. I hate people when this crap seems to prevail over all else. I truly do love people (when I actually see some good - and oh my god does it make me cry so hard when I encounter those beautiful acts of kindness and compassion!!) but tbh all I seem to see is hostility and indifference... Being so awfully unwell for so long as well as this shit heap of a life is the ultimate cherry on top.

PISS. I wanna be well n live on an island with some friendly aminals and fuck people off forever lol I mean it's quite nice here because you get lots of support but people in person are just too much...

Maybe arms length is best lol

Sorry for rambling n ranting again, I appreciate all you guys and the space we have here to let all this crap out

 

[ithappens]

That's what abusers do, they don't want consequences for their actions so they lie and blame the victim. Then it's obviously just much easier for people to swallow the lie than actually acknowledge the abuse and do something about it. If it's not effecting their lives people don't give a shit, and the way one would even start the process of reporting such treatment in the US (nevermind how often that reporting is even effective in changing the child's situation) is such a workload and stressful process that it practically dissuades people from even doing so.

Unless you're dying people don't care, and even then it's only because "OH NO ONE LESS PERSON TO PRODUCE STUFF I WAAAAAANT!!"