Venting anyone else wish they could die before you become a worse person

[iloveyouihateyou]

the answer for most is probably yes considering where i'm posting this but man i've really been thinking that it might be better to die as early as possible because i fear that i'm only going to get worse as a person as time goes on.

like if i were to die now while i'm still "young" and respected by some people then they'll remember me as i am right now, and say things like i was gone too soon or i had so much life ahead of me. perhaps people who stopped speaking to me would wish they spoke to me more or tried to rekindle things, and maybe people that i'm not doing so well with would realize that i wasn't so bad of a person after all and maybe that would make them care about me finally.

i feel like as time goes on the people around me will care less and less to the point of not even remembering me for my good qualities, like i want to be remembered as someone to these people rather than remembered as a soulless husk or shitty person. it's so conflicting because i want to see things through at times and i still feel like i have hope for recovery at times but deep down i don't know how i'd make it to that point in all honesty, i wonder if i should just be thinking of what will be remembered of me and what i'll leave behind more than i think of how i'd get off this empty feeling

 

[FishRain3469]

I've had a lot of those same thoughts myself lately, and boy howdy... It's so fckn maddening/ toxic, but I can't help it. Just a part of human nature I suppose? ( what and how people will remember us when we're gone) I can rack my brain with these things sooo much It's insane .

I will comment more later on but my eyes are getting heavy and must get some sleep. Thanks for sharing this with us and I wish you the best in whatever may happen. ♥

 

[Johnny99]

I am a horrible burden to my old parents who are 80 years old. They are still quite healthy and I wish they have happy years left.

I am 44 and still unable to be independent and I don't think I will survive without my parents support. For example they own the shitty apartment I live in. And I feel panic about what happens when they pass. Before I thought I will not die before them but given how much they suffer because of me I think it's better to not wait.

 

[Nobody'sHero]

No

 

[iloveyouihateyou]

I've had a lot of those same thoughts myself lately, and boy howdy... It's so fckn maddening/ toxic, but I can't help it. Just a part of human nature I suppose? ( what and how people will remember us when we're gone) I can rack my brain with these things sooo much It's insane .

I will comment more later on but my eyes are getting heavy and must get some sleep. Thanks for sharing this with us and I wish you the best in whatever may happen. ♥

yeah as of late it's just been my mind so much, like it really is kind of toxic in a sense when you want things to improve but you're constantly thinking of if now is the time to cut things short.. it really is driving me up a wall. i wish i could get this shit off my mind but i can't i just feel so close to the edge these days.. i hope you have a good rest and thank you i wish the same for you

I am a horrible burden to my old parents who are 80 years old. They are still quite healthy and I wish they have happy years left.

I am 44 and still unable to be independent and I don't think I will survive without my parents support. For example they own the shitty apartment I live in. And I feel panic about what happens when they pass. Before I thought I will not die before them but given how much they suffer because of me I think it's better to not wait.

i'm really sorry that's the case, i see where you're coming from. it's nice of your family to provide for you but i can understand the shame you can feel from not being able to detach from them, do you feel like you make their life harder financially only or is there more to it? whatever you end up doing i hope you can find peace and live or end your life in a way that feels right for you

No

god i wish i could stop people pleasing, even when at the end of the rope i still consider what others think lol...

-

thanks for your replies everyone, it's really nice to hear from others on this topic, i wish you all well today

 

[Nobody'sHero]

yeah as of late it's just been my mind so much, like it really is kind of toxic in a sense when you want things to improve but you're constantly thinking of if now is the time to cut things short.. it really is driving me up a wall. i wish i could get this shit off my mind but i can't i just feel so close to the edge these days.. i hope you have a good rest and thank you i wish the same for you


i'm really sorry that's the case, i see where you're coming from. it's nice of your family to provide for you but i can understand the shame you can feel from not being able to detach from them, do you feel like you make their life harder financially only or is there more to it? whatever you end up doing i hope you can find peace and live or end your life in a way that feels right for you


god i wish i could stop people pleasing, even when at the end of the rope i still consider what others think lol...

-

thanks for your replies everyone, it's really nice to hear from others on this topic, i wish you all well today

 

[iloveyouihateyou]

View attachment 163622

y'know at this point i'm subconciously doing this. no careful thoughts required

 

[Nobody'sHero]

y'know at this point i'm subconciously doing this. no careful thoughts required

Bruh, LEAN INTO WHO YOU ARE! YOU CAN'T BE THAT BIG AND BAD, DO YOU KILL PEOPLE? DO YOU RAPE PEOPLE? DO YOU COMMIT WAR CRIMES? DO YOU SCAM THE COMMON PERSON OUT OF BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WITHOUT REPERCUSSIONS? DO YOU VIOLATE THE HUMAN RIGHTS OF INDIVIDUALS?

NO?!

THEN FUCK WHAT ANY ONE THINKS... DO YOU NOT KNOW YOURSELF? PEOPLE HAVE MADE YOU AFRAID OF YOURSELF, OF WHAT'S INSIDE... YOU DOUBT... IF YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN YOU ARE TRYING TO GOOD, THEN DO!!! TELL ME WHO ARE YOU?! RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

Sry for spazzing out, sometimes I just gotta hit you with the facts... Not the "let me tell you about this study I once read written by this pseudointellectual"...

I spazz out of love <3

 

[iloveyouihateyou]

Bruh, LEAN INTO WHO YOU ARE! YOU CAN'T BE THAT BIG AND BAD, DO YOU KILL PEOPLE? DO YOU RAPE PEOPLE? DO YOU COMMIT WAR CRIMES? DO YOU SCAM THE COMMON PERSON OUT OF BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WITHOUT REPERCUSSIONS? DO YOU VIOLATE THE HUMAN RIGHTS OF INDIVIDUALS?

NO?!

THEN FUCK WHAT ANY ONE THINKS... DO YOU NOT KNOW YOURSELF? PEOPLE HAVE MADE YOU AFRAID OF YOURSELF, OF WHAT'S INSIDE... YOU DOUBT... IF YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN YOU ARE TRYING TO GOOD, THEN DO!!! TELL ME WHO ARE YOU?! RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

Sry for spazzing out, sometimes I just gotta hit you with the facts... Not the "let me tell you about this study I once read written by this pseudointellectual"...

I spazz out of love <3

i agree with you, at the very least i'm not those types of horrible people and i am trying my best out here at least under the circumstances... i totally get what you're saying though i feel like the world really puts me down and makes me feel so much shittier about myself. like if there was no standards no examples or things to remind me of how inadequate i feel sometimes i'm sure i would feel so much better... at this point i want to live underground with internet connection so i can hop on this forum still lol.. thank you. you're right atleast i'm not some psycho billionaire rapist serial killer that enslaves masses of people, i appreciate your words

 

[JesiBel]

I'm concerned about my mental and physical health, I don't want to become a complete burden.. I can still function even if I have very bad days. Everything is chaotic inside this prison called existence.

For now, my only reason for being here is so I can be useful to my family, who are sick and elderly and need me. I don't know how long I'll be able to be with them anyway.

What people say about me after I die will no longer be my business, I won't be there to hear them.

I don't want to hurt others; I've never been like that. My most "selfish" act would be suicide. I'm not an angel either. Like every human being, I make mistakes and sometimes I get carried away by emotions. I've said mean things, argued, refused to help out of spite, etc. They did bad things to me, and I'll always carry that inside me, but if I pay them back, I'd end up being just like them. I'll keep my anger and rage; I can't erase the past or everything that has happened to me so far. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive and forget... maybe before I leave, I'll finally make peace, or not. Who knows..

I'm doing what I can.. for now.

 

[Hollowman]

I am a horrible burden to my old parents who are 80 years old. They are still quite healthy and I wish they have happy years left.

I am 44 and still unable to be independent and I don't think I will survive without my parents support. For example they own the shitty apartment I live in. And I feel panic about what happens when they pass. Before I thought I will not die before them but given how much they suffer because of me I think it's better to not wait.

I'm in almost exactly the same boat.

 

[Lost Magic]

I don't know you personally, but I don't think you are a shitty person. Maybe you just had some shitty cards to deal with in life, like many of us have. Still, I understand were you are coming from. It's a valid question, but society and the way it is structured doesn't make things any better for people who already have enough on their plates. Being in a human body is not easy and dying is a part of life. On a personal level, when it comes to my own departure it will be just another thing to check off my list. Other people don't even factor into the equation anymore. But then again, I'm not leaving anybody behind who would miss me or depend on me for anything.

 

[Nobody'sHero]

i agree with you, at the very least i'm not those types of horrible people and i am trying my best out here at least under the circumstances... i totally get what you're saying though i feel like the world really puts me down and makes me feel so much shittier about myself. like if there was no standards no examples or things to remind me of how inadequate i feel sometimes i'm sure i would feel so much better... at this point i want to live underground with internet connection so i can hop on this forum still lol.. thank you. you're right atleast i'm not some psycho billionaire rapist serial killer that enslaves masses of people, i appreciate your words

Hang in there bud, it can be tough, but it is even tougher when you don't have conviction in your decisions and do not trust yourself... But remember!!! These things are not taken from you; you hand them over... You can always reclaim them <3

HIG HUG