I want to try to get better, but therapy and doctors terrify me and haven't been helpful in the past. Still, I made myself promise id give it at least one more shot before considering ctb more seriously. Even then, I don't know how I would overcome the guilt of leaving people behind who will be hurt my departure, so who knows if I could ever actually ctb. But trying to outlive my family sounds absolutely insane, it could be another 25 years before my parents pass. This situation is horrible.