at bright times i see all the opportunities. ideas and thoughts firing through my brain. but often afterwards comes the hard crash on the floor, realizing that i don't seem to be able to accomplish anything of it.
too many ideas, too many interests, which feels like standing in a room full of doors and i am unable to decide which door i should go through.
two times in my life this brought me to the point, where i gave up on myself completely. but the closer i was to the point to finish it, the more this feeling and vision of a new perspective appeared on the horizon.
this changing states between the vision of perspective and self-doubt, being unable to make a decision, also leads sometimes to the feeling that i can't even trust myself or my decision making.
i guess one of my main faults often is/was, to be to obsessed in sucking up information and doing things to nearly a point of exhaustion and taking too little time to think about stuff.
especially when i feel shitty - doing stuff is a good excuse to push aside the shitty feeling. would i start thinking in this stages, it would just drag me deeper in the bunny hole.
sometimes i think it seems really to be an imbalance in my brain, this greed for information - its pretty addictive behaviour for me.
the best feeling i get is from learning. ideally i would just learn till my end, without ever using the learned things for anything.
the limbo - a word i read on this site first - was for me more the state near the finishing line. this not to wanna live but not being able to die feeling.