Anyone else struggle with being self aware and mentally ill? 😵‍💫

[melancholymallory03]

I feel like in the past my therapists have thought because I'm self aware I can somehow think my way out of these past traumas and mental health illnesses.

I'm aware that being self aware is something to be happy about and I'm not ungrateful I just find it a bit discouraging and downright annoying that when I go to see mental health professionals ( predominantly in the past … because I've been scared away now ) … they all say I'm so s e l f. A w a r e
Like it's the best thing a mentally ill person can be?
Idk I'm genuinely asking.
I have to dumb myself down going in sometimes or just sound like I am not aware because I've been told that they think I have a chance , it took me years to even have access to an antidepressant that did actually save my life for two years until it stopped working because the trauma grew unbearable…. No matter the level of serotonin…. Just motivated me to ctb more :/

Am I being rude by saying all this?
I don't know ….. but I think mental health professionals who don't do there job properly can cause further trauma
I heard something like " bad therapy , causes a need for more therapy " and I found it so paradoxical.

The anxiety had been so bad I was getting involuntary panic attacks and hypo ventilating with jaw locking up but now I have been self medicating often with street Xanax , Valium , Ativan … anything I can get my hands on to stop the storm inside me , I just wish there was a mAgicAl piLL honestly , because I wish I could erase my trauma , eternal sunshine of the spotless mind style.
God , the things I would do for the

ETERNAL SUNSHINE , OF A SPOTLESS
MIND

Might try LSD soon though , I heard it can relieve flashbacks sometimes which I have been having quite a lot recently , and it gets almost more and more intense ?

i reckon when i ctb ill be on some kind of drug, but not overboard ( i guess i am experienced ) ( not a flex ) but … i am actually ashamed … ah I feel so unsteady





This song is nice , calms some of ythe fixations .

*long depressive sigh * and going to put myself to sleep …. I am finally back from a small family trip , which I had to be high on mushrooms every day almost to see the beauty from. I reckon it made my family happier to see me though

Father's Day coming up , making a tornado in my stomach of pain. Stupid I know I know

 

[DefinitelyReady]

Definitely relatable... This should make me feel better but it doesn't. This like confirms my experience and makes it more hopeless? You're so self-aware, now you can fix it! Um, yeah, no.... at least not for me.
A quote I like from Grey's Anatomy, Christina Yang, my favorite character:
"You know, being aware of your crap, and actually overcoming your crap, are two very different things..."

I feel like in the past my therapists have thought because I'm self aware I can somehow think my way out of these past traumas and mental health illnesses.

I'm aware that being self aware is something to be happy about and I'm not ungrateful I just find it a bit discouraging and downright annoying that when I go to see mental health professionals ( predominantly in the past … because I've been scared away now ) … they all say I'm so s e l f. A w a r e
Like it's the best thing a mentally ill person can be?
Idk I'm genuinely asking.
I have to dumb myself down going in sometimes or just sound like I am not aware because I've been told that they think I have a chance , it took me years to even have access to an antidepressant that did actually save my life for two years until it stopped working because the trauma grew unbearable…. No matter the level of serotonin…. Just motivated me to ctb more :/

Am I being rude by saying all this?
I don't know ….. but I think mental health professionals who don't do there job properly can cause further trauma
I heard something like " bad therapy , causes a need for more therapy " and I found it so paradoxical.

The anxiety had been so bad I was getting involuntary panic attacks and hypo ventilating with jaw locking up but now I have been self medicating often with street Xanax , Valium , Ativan … anything I can get my hands on to stop the storm inside me , I just wish there was a mAgicAl piLL honestly , because I wish I could erase my trauma , eternal sunshine of the spotless mind style.
God , the things I would do for the

ETERNAL SUNSHINE , OF A SPOTLESS
MIND

Might try LSD soon though , I heard it can relieve flashbacks sometimes which I have been having quite a lot recently , and it gets almost more and more intense ?

i reckon when i ctb ill be on some kind of drug, but not overboard ( i guess i am experienced ) ( not a flex ) but … i am actually ashamed … ah I feel so unsteady





This song is nice , calms some of ythe fixations .

*long depressive sigh * and going to put myself to sleep …. I am finally back from a small family trip , which I had to be high on mushrooms every day almost to see the beauty from. I reckon it made my family happier to see me though

Father's Day coming up , making a tornado in my stomach of pain. Stupid I know I know

Have you tried dextromethorphan or spravato? They're related to the mushroom mechanism. I would do mushrooms if I could afford them. Also Mother and Father's Days are the worst

 

[melancholymallory03]

Definitely relatable... This should make me feel better but it doesn't. This like confirms my experience and makes it more hopeless? You're so self-aware, now you can fix it! Um, yeah, no.... at least not for me.
A quote I like from Grey's Anatomy, Christina Yang, my favorite character:
"You know, being aware of your crap, and actually overcoming your crap, are two very different things..."

Have you tried dextromethorphan or spravato? They're related to the mushroom mechanism. I would do mushrooms if I could afford them. Also Mother and Father's Days are the worst

Christina Yang … what a fox

And I couldn't agree with you more, I'm tired of hearing them throw hopeful bullshit at me when they don't even understand my backstory . If they did they'd be pretty damn silent I reckon…

I have never tried either or those , but I'll look into them!!