Discussion Anyone else not sad but still wants to CTB?

[Anónimo]

I'll be honest, I don't feel sad anymore. 90% of my problems have disappeared, but I still feel bored from time to time. CTB is my fantasy, there will be no pain, no embarrassing memories, no responsibilities... idk if I'm still depressed for thinking like this.

 

[November718]

I feel the same. I'm doing okay now but I just don't want to be here. Even on my good days I feel like it's better to no longer be here. I will end my life one day but both times I've had the absolute calmness I've fallen asleep and go back to being nervous about it.

 

[redeyepiranha]

Yes, I completely understand you, just don't wanna be here in the first place, there's too much suffering in this world and I feel so powerless, but not sad anymore

 

[Messgram]

Boredom is already a huge problem

 

[clown]

As of right now im not really sad, but im still on here and i still wanna die. Idk why I wanna die so much, it's like depression ruined me.

 

[goldbuddha]

im glad im not the only one that feels this way, thank u for sharing ur thought. ur right im not even sad anymore my minds very clear rn and yet i still want to die i stopped finding joy in anything i do, even my hobbies, it feels weird empty why cant i genuinely be happy even jus for a sec, smiling seems like such a chore now

 

[setoursailsagain]

Yeah sometimes. I feel almost guilty that there is nothing really wrong but i still want to CTB when there are plenty of other people out there with worse problems. I feel like its a form of nihilism, like theres no point to anything sometimes and im just empty.

 

[FieCher]

Yeah sometimes. I feel almost guilty that there is nothing really wrong but i still want to CTB when there are plenty of other people out there with worse problems. I feel like its a form of nihilism, like theres no point to anything sometimes and im just empty.

Same.. I have kinda luck going with the flow through life (ok, some people think otherwise maybe but for me it's still nothing compared to most with suicidal thoughts) - i am just so so so afraid of the future, where everything is so unsure and everything can change (negatively) in just a second..

 

[Kit1]

Reading all the comments above, I am trying to understand - I really am. It sounds painful that you would consider ctb, but not feeling sad. Loneliness, isolation, frustration can be contributory factors. Thinking put aloud - would it make a different if someone volunteered helping vulnerable people to appreciate life? This really is an innocent question as I am naturally curious and hoping that I am not hurting or insulting anyone here..,

Let me explain why I am trying to understand. I am trying my utter best to cling on to life as I have a couple of people that I care for and need to be here for them. My early start in my life till my teens was filled with every kind of horrendous abuse imaginable (sadly this seems to be a shared experience with so many on this forum). My life now is filed with horrible flashbacks, nightmares, dissociation, pain and I have CPTSD, CFS, autism amongst a number of other challenges. I would feel so much better if I felt sure that I would survive this journey of life and see the people who I look after are grown up and okay. It is a constant work I progress - I am still trying to deal with an overdose I took yesterday (whilst I was dissociated) and not even sure whether it will kill me off in a few days as I have not reached out for medical care - hence gambling between life and death..,

I would really appreciate if someone would kindly explain all this to me. I am feeling like crap and it is and hope that I haven't hurt anyone - a personal dread of mine is hurting someone without realising or by being blind to other people's pain.

 

[daze]

Oh, i'm in this stage right now. Tried to ctb a few months ago but SI kicked in so that's why i'm still here. Life's okay now, but still felt like ctb is the best option.

 

[LonelyStarrySky]

Even when I was doing somewhat "well" I would still get occasional thoughts about CTB, because thats something I decided is the best for me. I know I don't want to reach old age. People say "it will get better?" but even then I get ideas about CTB every now and then I guess that is my chronic suicidality.

 

[k1w1]

I am really glad that you are not sad. And it is likely that today's embarrassing memories will be big belly laughs in 20 years. Ive sure done some wierd shit in my life but at 60 I am very very glad it was done.